This has been on my mind for awhile now. My family and closest friends already know about this, however I have become more private about my past, mostly because it's not the sort of thing you can bring up in casual conversation. But my silence is not helping anybody. So I'm not writing this today not because I'm looking for any kind of feedback, but rather to give a voice to victims who have not yet found theirs, and to let other survivors know that they are not alone, and there is a way to thrive.
I was sexually abused by my step-father from the time I was a little girl until I was 19 years old. I finally disclosed the abuse to my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) and then to my counselor, who I was seeing due to the emotional and verbal abuse. During that time, my mom finally left her husband. At one point, one of my sisters said she wanted to live with her father (my step-father) and my mom was going to let her. Out of fear for her safety, I finally disclosed to my mom. Eventually there was a court case, and he was convicted of 12 counts of criminal sexual conduct and is now in prison until (at least) 2015.
I'm discovering new ways the abuse has affected me throughout my life. When I got married, I discovered I had Vaginismus, a condition making penetration during intercourse impossible or very painful. For the first three months, it was impossible. Now it is just painful. I have some family issues as well, which I'm not going to get into right now. I've never felt like I've been particularly good at anything, for a number of reasons. But I feel like coming out of this situation in one piece and with a bit of sanity was no small feat. But I can't really put that on a resume...This list goes on and on...
I have been in and out of therapy in the past 6 years. I have just started going again at the beginning of August. It's hard to believe its only been a month and a half, because I have already made so much progress. That's not to say that there aren't still problems, or that they're won't be in the future, but rather I am moving in the right direction.
If you or someone you know is suffering from any kind of abuse, please know that there is a way out, and a way to thrive. I know it might feel impossible right now, but, I promise, it can be done.
I feel like I've really gone out on a limb by being so public about this, so I'm a little nervous about pushing that "Publish" button. But if this can help even one person, it was worth it. :-)
Taking off the mask!
Hi Rachel, I just found you through the BlogHer post. I want to offer you hope. I lived with heartache of Vaginismus during my four-year marriage that was never consummated. It was some of the darkest days of my life.
ReplyDeleteBut today, I have a normal, healthy sex life after years of becoming at peace with myself and finding the right partner.
If you don't have hope for yourself, I will hold that hope for you.
I'm releasing my memoirs from that time soon - you can see my book trailer to learn more:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LmDDNLyk4M
xo,
Angela
Hi Angela! Thank you for that. I actually saw you on BlogHer as well!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that you dealt with this as well. I do have hope for myself and am making progress all the time. Best of luck with your book!
Rachel
How awful to have nowhere to turn, to feel unsafe in one's own home, to have to carry the burden of someone else's shame...
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are finding your way out through therapy and that you have the support of a loving husband. Those things can make all the difference.
I also suffer from PTSD. I was raped a couple times through out my life by people I trusted. I am also recovering from a drug addiction.
ReplyDelete