I found this when I was looking for an inspirational wallpaper for my desktop. I thought it was perfect! I've spent a lot of time talking about what I have been without in the past. Saying we didn't have much money when I was growing up is an understatement. Because of this, my sisters and I went without. We went without new clothes, fashionable clothes and appropriately fitting clothes. We went without experiences like Disney World, Cedar Point, etc. The list of things like that could go on and on. The thing I think I missed the most was having a loving father. I yearn to be a daddy's girl. I try to remember that God is my heavenly father and he loves me more than anyone on earth can, but I am only human. I still long for that. I want to find my biological father so badly, but I don't even know if the little information I have is true. My mom has said his name is Jesse Patrickson. She met him when she was working at Fermi. He was a contractor, or contract employee (I don't know if there is a difference). She said he was tall and good-looking; a blue-eyed blonde. He may or may not have said he had family in Pennsylvania. She said they went out on one date. She had been drinking and they went back to her (?) apartment where he forced himself on her. She said she was too intoxicated to do much about it. When she told me about this, she didn't seem to realize she was raped, or maybe didn't want to. It was the 80s after all...I don't know if the term "date rape" was even being used. She said it wasn't long before she found out she was pregnant. She remembered crying in the doctor's office. When she confronted "Jesse", he offered to pay for the abortion, which mom obviously declined. After that he left town and couldn't even be found by the courts when she tried to pursue child support. Maybe the story is 100% factual. But in this time of the digital age, it seems unlikely that I can't find anyone with that name and approximate age.
There is a chance that I would be disappointed if I were to meet him. But on the other hand, it would be amazing to meet someone who looked like me; who shared some of my personality traits and quirks. Would he be like me at all? I want to know so badly. Do I have other brothers and sisters? Do any of them look like me? Don't get me wrong, my sisters are my sisters. I don't care if they have a different biological father. We all grew up together, not knowing any different. I'm just curious who else is out there. If you're reading this and you have any advice at all, please, share with me!
I have gotten completely off the point. lol So, I'm wondering what I gained. I'm not saying that I think I didn't gain anything. I'm just contemplating what it might be.
that yearning is so real, and something so many people i know have expressed, and even i on some level have felt. God bless your search and your growth.
ReplyDeletei've found sometimes, if even for only a season, God gives us psuedo-fathers, who act the way a father should, and who let us look up to them, because our Heavenly Father knows our every need. Maybe, while you look for your dad and the family you may have, look around your life and see if God has put one there for you to run to when you need a dad.
I know what you mean, but there are just not a lot of men in my life, at least not many that I keep in regular contact with. But like you said, God knows what I need. There's a reason for everything. :-)
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