Inner Child Work

I don't know how many of my readers have been in therapy at some point or if they've done any inner child work, but it's one of the things I'm working on  on a regular basis. I'll try to describe how it works. I close my eyes and take some deep breaths until I'm very relaxed. My therapist then talks me through the process, encouraging me to imagine myself in a safe place, inviting "little Rachel" to come forward, and see what happens. I've decided to write down these experiences, the best I can. Because I can be very dramatic, I tend to see them as movie scenes in which a lot of metaphors involved. Today we prefaced the work by approaching my "authentic self", the part of me that is repressed and locked away.

I closed my eyes and took several very deep breaths. My mind went to my safe place. For some reason, it is a waterless beach. There is nothing but sand to my left and right, and sand behind me forming a ridge that I cannot see over. In past sessions, I was aware of something scary over that ridge, but did not go there. In front of me is where the water should be, but for some reason, it's not here. I never seem to look directly at this space, but I am aware that there is no water. As I lay in my beach chair, there is a sudden jolt. Do you remember in Jurassic Park when they can feel the dinosaurs coming after they see the ripples in the glass of water/jello/etc? It's like that but on a MUCH larger scale. The whole ground shook. Then it happened again, and again. I know it must be coming from over the ridge.

Kind of like this, although I never see his face.

I have an idea of what's over there, and I know I need to face it. I climb over the ridge where I see another ridge, with a pair of cellar doors. They shake with the rest of the ground. I open the doors and look down a long flight of stairs. Once I start to descend, I am reminded of "The Cave of Wonders" from Aladdin. It is a long descent, deep into the belly of the space. It is a large space, and only the area I am in is lit (from the open doors?). Near the bottom of the stairs is a wall with a large set of double-doors. They are old, and very heavy. They are locked up tight with heavy chains. I feel another jolt, and am aware of a creature on the other side of the doors...a monster. He roars in a way that is deafening, and shakes everything again. There is another jolt. I don't see the monster, but I imagine him as inhumanly large. He is blue and muscular. He has very long arms that are chained down on each side. He has just enough room to pound his fists in anger, causing the shock waves I had been feeling.

I tell him that I am ready to meet him. But my voice gives away how I am truly feeling. I'm not ready, and I don't mean it. He roars again. I stare at the doors for some time before letting him know that I will be back. I walk away, and return to the therapy session.

I don't know why the monster is male. My therapist offered the theory that since the male side of an individual is related to logic and reason, perhaps the reality of the horror of the abuse is what is locked away. I don't know. We will find out in time.

Also, why is there no water at the beach? One theory is that water is incredibly powerful, and since I can't swim, it is very scary. Perhaps representing my subconscious? Also, water has been known to represent feminine power. Maybe something else I'm not ready to see yet? I'm not sure.

I have done this inner child work a couple other times, and will be blogging about them as well.

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