A Piece of Happy

Me and my studdly hubby

With all these posts about the pain I felt (and feel), and horrifying memories, it only seems fair to other survivors that I share the flip side. There is still a lot of joy in my life. For example, I'm very happily married to man more amazing than I would have even dared to pray for. He treats me like a princess, and I probably take advantage of it more than I should. ;-) I had an unexpected moment of peace and happiness tonight, so I thought I would share.

But first, some explanation. As a result of coping with the abuse, I have become very disconnected from my body. I sometimes joke that I'm going through an awkward phase called "my life". I don't think it's a stretch to say that it contributes to my sexual problems. I've been doing some "body work" in therapy to help this. We play some music, and I attempt to move in any way that is comfortable with the music. For me it is horribly awkward and uncomfortable. It was a little better when my therapist agreed to face the other way, but it still feels unnatural to me. 

Anyway, tonight I decided to take a bubble bath. I take them fairly often, but usually take my laptop with me and watch something on Netflix at the same time. It's enjoyable, but not the most relaxing. Tonight I brought the laptop, but played some very relaxing music. I lit some candles, and turned the lights off. It took awhile, but I eventually allowed myself to relax. I paid attention to how things felt physically. I felt the water sloshing gently, the water level slowly rising and falling against me. I felt the wrinkles on my pruny fingertips from soaking in the water. I listened to the sound of the bubbles popping little by little. I was so relaxed, I thought I may fall asleep.

This might sound like something very trivial to many, but it isn't for me. I don't relax. I truly do not remember the last time I was the relaxed. As part of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), I am constantly on alert. My muscles are tense and my mind jumps from one thing to another. This is something that some people witness in conversation with me when I'm relaxed. If you haven't seen it, I was trying very hard to focus.

I hope this new feeling is something I can experience more often with practice. It was really wonderful. I may even sleep peacefully tonight! :-)

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