The Virgin Bride

Throughout my life, I had been taught the virtues of abstinence. I was taught that sex outside of marriage is wrong. I still believe this for many reasons. I was fortunate enough to fall in love with a man who felt the same way. So it was without any great discussion that we decided to wait until our wedding night for sexual intercourse. 

Several months before the wedding, I realized there was a problem. I was still unable to use a tampon. I had certainly tried, but to no avail. I mentioned this to my mom and she reassured me that she did not use tampons until after she was married. This didn't really make me feel much better because I knew plenty of other young women who were still virgins and happily using tampons. If I couldn't insert a tampon, how difficult was sex going to be?  Eventually, I had to go to Planned Parenthood to get some birth control. I was terrified of the gynecological exam. The nurse said since I was not yet sexually active and I was young there was no reason to go forward with one. 

As the wedding crept closer, I became more and more concerned. I voiced my concerns to my mom yet again, and she advised me to relax, and that it would not be as bad as some make it out to be. I spoke to a couple other individuals who said there is a slight pinch your first time, but not much more. I tried to take all this to heart, but I knew something wasn't right.

July 14, 2007 rolled around quickly. It was a perfect day. Just a short sprinkle of rain for good luck and the sun came back out. There was a little confusion related to lighting the candles during the ceremony, but the rest of the day went off without a hitch. When we finally made it to the hotel room, we were beat, but not quite ready to sleep. We took a hot bath to relax before we made our way to the bed. 

Several minutes in (hey, we were newlyweds!), Aaron attempted penetration. Nothing seemed to be happening so he pushed a little harder. All I could feel was pain and pressure. We tried several more times, ending frustrated and confused. Neither one of us got much sleep and even tried it again at different times throughout the night. I tried bracing myself against the nightstand with my foot, but it was no good. Nothing seemed to work. 

The next day we returned his tuxedo to the mall and went home. The maid of honor and best man brought over our presents and stayed for a dinner of frozen lasagna. After they left, I got online and talked to a couple friends about our problem. One women suggested we wait until I'm more fully aroused. Another person went to the internet. He found something called "Vaginismus" and suggested I look it up. It sounded a lot like my situation. Here is the definition according to wikipedia.com: 

"Vaginismus, sometimes anglicized vaginism is the German name for a condition which affects a woman's ability to engage in any form of vaginal penetration, including sexual intercourse, insertion of tampons, and the penetration involved in gynecological examinations. This is the result of a conditioned reflex of the pubococcygeus muscle, which is sometimes referred to as the "PC muscle". The reflex causes the muscles in the vagina to tense suddenly, which makes any kind of vaginal penetration—including sexual intercourse—painful or impossible. A vaginismic woman does not consciously control the spasm."

The next day we both went to see a gynecologist, who was thankfully very kind and sympathetic. She confirmed that I did indeed have Vaginismus. Aaron and I started seeing the school counselor on a regular basis and bought the books available at www.vaginismus.com, and excellent source for anyone who wants to know more or recover from the condition.

 I had to learn to relax my muscles to allow penetration and practiced penetration with vaginal dilators. This started on such a small level. I began by inserting a Q-Tip. After doing this several times, I tried using a small tampon again. This took several tries, but I was eventually able to get it. It was such a relief! After 3 agonizing months of practice, we were finally able to achieve penile penetration. I was so relieved and ecstatic!! The moment we had been waiting for for so long had finally come. We still had difficult times after that, but we knew it was too be expected.

Three years later, sex is still a struggle. There is still a lot of pain, at least during the initial penetration. Often times, I bleed as if though it is my first time. This is one of the issues I am working on in therapy. I've had to start all over again. This means using some new techniques and going back to using dilators while placing a moratorium on sex.  I'm making a lot of progress, but trying very hard to take it slow. With something like this, failure can really set me back. It's a "3 steps forward, 2 steps back" kind of thing.

This problem is very easily traced back to the abuse I endured. With everything that happened, he had never penetrated me in any way. This was the "final frontier", so to speak. It was the only left that I had control of, and I was subconsciously holding on to that control for all it was worth. When my step-dad had his hands in my underwear, with his fingers between my labia, I turned my body to stone so that I wouldn't feel. I clenched my vaginal muscles as hard as possible to protect myself. He claimed he would never go beyond that, but he had also said the abuse would stop over, and over, and over again. I wasn't about to take ANY chances. 

Even though I know I'm safe now, I'm still clinging to that control. It has been ingrained into my mind and body that my muscles need to be tight when there is any kind of sexual contact. 

My heart breaks when I think about the honeymoon my husband and I were robbed of.  Our first year of marriage was nothing like we dreamed it would be in many ways. We continue to hope that this problem will be resolved and we can have some fun instead of sex being something we feel like we should want to do. We can't go back in time, but we can work towards a better future!

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