Forcing the Doors - Inner Child Work

I did some more inner child work in my last therapy session. My therapist guided me to go to a place of joy. 

I saw my foot, peeking out from underneath a long white dress, step onto a thick carpet of green grass. I look up and I am back in my happy place. My actual self is there, smiling, and holding out her hand to me. I walk towards her, and a little girl runs by, laughing and playing. I only see her from the back. I continue on to the outstretched hand. I take it and we both laugh. We run and spin, with our faces to the sun. I am happy and relaxed, without a care in the world. I follow my actual self down the path. At the end, is a bright white light. She steps into it, and beckons me to follow. I move toward it, but for some reason, I cannot step into the light. 

I know it's from a creepy movie, but this is similar to how
I imagine my chained self...

Now we are at the entrance to the happy place, where it connects with the safe place. We walk off the grass, and down the sandy ridge to the cellar doors. I begin my descent, while my actual self stays outside. I reach the bottom of the stairs, but do not hear the roaring that was present before. The old wooden doors are still there, along with their massive chains. Instead of the monster, it is another me that is chained on the other side of the doors. She is helpless, and dirty, as if though she has been there a long time. I talk to her through the doors. "Is that you?" "Yes" she replies. I grab hold of one of the chains, looking at it, wondering how on earth I'm going to break through. I grab hold of the handles on the door and shake with all my might. The doors move a little, dust falling off of them, but it is impossible to break through. I promise my chained self that I'm going to find a way. I ask her how to get through, and she tells me I will need to break through. I promise her I'll find a way, and she says she knows. I know forcing my way through doesn't work. That's what I was trying to do with the vaginismus for 3 years, and that didn't work. I can try to force myself to be happy in circumstances where I'm not, and it is not completely effective. I'm going to have to find another way. I leave, climbing the stairs back to my safe place. My actual self is still there and she walks back to my happy place. 

I wasn't sure where I was supposed to go. I usually end in my safe place, but now that I've discovered the happy place I wanted to go there. At the same time, it didn't seem appropriate because of all the sadness I had just experienced. I didn't want to bring that there. I walk over to my chair in the safe place, lie back and relax. Once I get settled in, I decide it would be ok to go to the happy place, so I end there instead.

‎"Walking through doors that open so effortlessly is always right." -Simone Yeomans

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