I have never met my biological father, nor do I really know who he is. I have very few details about him, and I doubt the validity of those. Here's the story.
My mom was 29 or 30. She was single mom, with a 9 year old son from her first marriage. She was working in an office at Fermi II, a nuclear power plant. One winter night, she had a date with a contractor from the plant. His name was Jesse Patrickson. He was tall, with blonde hair and blue eyes. She seemed to remember that he may have mentioned having family in Pennsylvania. As the night wore on, Mom had a little too much to drink. He took her back to her apartment. He initiated sex, and she declined. He, however, insisted. Later, when she realized she was pregnant, she approached him to inform him of the situation and he offered to pay for the abortion. She wasn't interested. After I was born, she tried to pursue child support, but by then he had left town and the courts were unable to locate him.
That is literally everything I know. I cannot even put into words how strong my desire is to find him. Ideally, I would be able to meet him and have some time to talk to him, find out all about him. I'd like to know his likes and dislikes, his hobbies, everything about his childhood, his medical history...everything. I want to know what he looks like. I want to see photos of him when he was younger, and of his family. I don't look like my sisters or my brother, so it would be amazing to me to see someone who shares some of my physical characteristics. I want to know if I have more half-siblings.
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| My sister's all have huge gorgeous eyes, as does my mom. Where do I get my little squinty ones? |
I feel like it shouldn't matter; that I should feel complete without him. But I already have "daddy issues". I long for a real father, and while I realize he may not be interested, or I may not even like him, I can't help but desire the opportunity to find out. I've tried to rely on my Heavenly Father to fill that void, but even God intended for little girls to have daddy's. Inside, I'm still that little girl, looking for her daddy. I feel like finding him would bring me a great deal of closure. It's a part of me that is shrouded in so much mystery. I have to know. I have to find him.
The trouble is, I don't know that I ever will.
I was talking about this the other day with a friend, and something clicked. I was thinking about how I only have the few specific details, and I don't know where he lives. It was exactly the same as the Chicago fiasco. We knew my car was there somewhere, and we knew some definite details, but we could not find it. In retrospect, we realized we had sat down right across the street from it. It was right in front of our faces, but we couldn't see it. I sometimes wonder if I do know my dad, and I'm not supposed to know who he is. That maybe the story of my conception is contrived to protect someone. It's just a theory. I have no idea. It just seems unlikely that in the age of the internet and social media, that I couldn't find this person.
If anyone knows anything, please, let me know! Finding my father means more to me than I can even tell you.
Thanks for reading!
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