Sorting Through Feelings

 For those of you who do not know, I have been doing some job shadowing the last couple weeks at The Heartford House, a child advocacy center. There has not been anything going on the last few times I was there, so the director let me watch a pre-recorded interview today. I was very excited to get to the heart of what they do, but was unsure of how I would respond emotionally. I know I can control my emotions so that I do not start bawling and curl up in the fetal position right then and there. I believe this is a strength because I need to hold down a job and function in society. On the other hand, I worry that I sometimes don't allow myself to feel in a healthy way.  

The director had told me a little bit about the case before we started so I already knew that some of it would hit a little close to home. Without going into detail, I can say that some of it was very similar. It actually brought back a memory that made me very uncomfortable. As I was watching it, I was amazed at the skill of the interviewer. She was excellent at making the child comfortable enough to disclose, and to ask the right questions, without leading. I took note of how I was feeling as well. I didn't feel any strong emotions really. I was amazed at how little I felt. Afterwards, I talked with the director and shared that a lot of it was similar. I started to talk about how I sometimes don't feel as much as would be expected, and got just a little teary eyed. I reeled that back in, and myself psychically shake as I continued our conversation. I don't know why, but this is a reaction I have anytime I talk to someone about the abuse, especially if it is the first time they're hearing about it.  I don't really understand it. Perhaps it's some sort of adrenaline rush that comes about from telling a long hidden secret. Maybe it's more of a tremendous relief. I don't know.

Whoa! She's got a whole bag of feelings!

I drove home in a daze. This happens to me often when I have some strong emotions somewhere below the surface. Sometimes I absolutely cannot cry until I get to Aaron. I guess that's when I feel like I don't have to be strong anymore. Today when I got home, Aaron wasn't there because he had to take an exam. I couldn't cry. Instead I ordered a medium pizza and gobbled up half of it. I followed that up with some Halloween candy. It's really a shame because I had been doing really well earlier as far as diet is concerned. 

Ugh. So glad  have therapy tomorrow.

Be a Fan