My inner critic is something that I have just started thinking about. What is an inner critic? What is mine saying to me? How influential is she in my life?
The inner critic develops as a way to learn appropriate social behavior. Our parents chastised us when we acted inappropriately, and we internalized those messages. On that level, it can be healthy. However, if someone has a parent who is overcritical or sends negative messages, then they will also internalize those messages.
So what messages have I internalized? Something I really struggle with is my appearance, although it's hard to describe the problem. On some days, I think I'm pretty good-looking. But at the same time, this seems like an unacceptable thought.
"Am I conceited? What if other people think I'm conceited? Looks aren't important..." We were constantly told our looks could be gone in a second and that they wouldn't last. But isn't there a big difference between being vain and being happy with yourself and taking some pride in your appearance?
This piece was particularly confusing, because the only time my step-dad told me I was beautiful was while I was being abused. Talk about conflicting messages...
It's hard for me to be proud of myself for anything, although that is getting better. It's goes back to being conceited again. I can't remember what it was I was told, or what the exact message was, but there must have been some kind of focus on the virtues of being humble.
Whenever my mom came back from a parent-teacher conference, she shared the glowing reviews she got about us. But that wasn't enough. It wasn't what I needed.
Dr. Phil has a saying, something like "It may take 100-1000 'atta boys' to a child in order to deflect the one negative or shame based statement to a child."
We weren't getting a lot of 'atta girls' at home. We were constantly hounded about doing our chores. Our house was indeed a mess. But there was no reward for following through and finishing the chore. No 'good job', no allowance, no 'It looks great in here!'. If we did our chores without being told, there was no recognition. We were told that is just what you are supposed to do, so you don't deserve any recognition. But if we did not get it done, we were called lazy, sloppy, etc. Do you think a child in that situation is going to care if the chores are done? Why would they?
If we ever took an interest in anything, we were asked "What good is that going to do you in life?" I loved to sing. I lived, breathed and ate music. At the time, it was country music. I watched American Idol every night it was on and dreamed about my own audition. I don't think I was great singer, but maybe I could have been. I was told it was useless and frivolous. Never mind that I could have become something like a music teacher. That kind of attitude killed a lot of potential hobbies. It was such a narrow minded view of life...
This is the first time I've really put any much thought into this, so I'm sure there will be more to come. But in the meanwhile, what is your inner critic telling you? Where did those messages come from?
Thanks for reading!
Rachel
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