Intimacy and Love Languages

Are you familiar with "The 5 Love Languages"? The basic idea is that everyone has different way of expressing love and feeling love, and that there are generally five universal categories. They are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Gifts, Quality Time and Acts of Service. According to Dr. Chapman, who wrote the book on it, most people tend to be drawn to someone who has a different primary language than their own. For a better explanation, check out Dr. Chapman's website here.

So Aaron and I took the test, which you can do here. We found out that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation, followed by Quality Time and then Receiving Gifts. Aaron's, on the other hand, are Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation and then a tie between Quality Time and Receiving Gifts.

So, the good news is that Words of Affirmation is high for both of us. However, his top is Physical Touch, and that is something I really struggle with. I love physical affection. I love when Aaron runs his fingers through my hair, or strokes my back as I'm falling asleep. I love his touch and especially his hugs; he has the best hugs in the entire world. The problem is, I have a hard time showing the same affection to him. 

Have you ever heard the expression "hindsight is 20/20"? Or the term "hindsight bias"? Basically, you hear or learn something new,  but feel like you did or should have known it all along. As I was talking with my therapist today about Aaron's primary love language, she commented that as a child, it would have been dangerous to show any kind of physical affection because it would have been seen as an invitation for the abuse. 

How could I not have seen this before?! It's not rocket science, but I did not make the connection. 

One of our engagement pics

More good news! Just because this is how I am now, doesn't mean I can't change. It doesn't mean Aaron's "love tank" is always going to be half-empty, leaving him craving physical touch. I just need to learn some new habits. I've tried before. This isn't a new problem. Every time Aaron brought it up in the past, I would do a lot better for a few days, and then fall back into my old ways. 

This time though, we have a plan. We are each going to have a jar. And when we feel like we are in need of something, like a massage for example, we can write it on a slip of paper, and place it in the other person's jar. This way, we will see the need in our jar, and when the time is right, we can fulfill it. This way, it will feel more like an act of love compared to asking out right fir whatever it is and feeling like someone is just doing it because you asked for it and not because they want to.

It seems like a good plan to me. Like anything, it will require some effort to keep up with it for it to become a habit. 

I predict 2011 will be a good year for the Drivers. :-)

Rachel

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