Guilt

I'm really getting in touch with how guilty I've been feeling about things lately. 

I feel guilty for not doing well enough. I still don't have a degree. I still struggle with eating healthy and exercising consistently.

I'm not a good enough wife. I feel guilty that I have to deal with vaginismus and put my husband through those difficulties, even if it is getting better. I believe it is that guilt that kept me from really progressing for the first three years.

I feel guilty for being so selfish, all the time. I often get caught up in "Rachel Land". Everything relates back to me in some way. It's a terrible way to be, and it's the truth. I'm always afraid that people are going to find out about it.

I'm sitting here thinking I would like to play a video game. But there's clothes in the dryer, another load waiting to go in the wash, the coffee table is cluttered, the whole place needs to be vacuumed, classes started again this week so I should really work on homework.

I feel guilty for not talking to my mom. What doesn't help that is that I know at least some of my sister's would agree that I should feel guilty. I've tried to explain to a couple people why I feel the way I do about her, but for one, it's complicated, and for two, I haven't been sure exactly how to describe the problem.

I feel guilty that I want to feel special. I cherish every little bit of positive feedback I get on this. I know it's healthy, because I shouldn't be trying to determine my worth from outside sources, but I still feel like I need a lot of validation. I don't even understand why I want to be special. I always though survivors of abuse strive to be normal; to fit in. But I never felt like I did fit in growing up. Maybe that's it...I want to be special and not weird. Maybe it has more to do with the lack of validation I'm getting from my mom. After the court case, she came to me and said "It's not as bad as I though..." I need her to validate my pain. The pain from the past and the pain I'm still carrying today. And with that, I need her to be proud of all I've overcome, but she can't do that if she can't understand how horrible it was.

But I digress...

I was never made to feel like the abuse was my fault. Thankfully, my mother never placed that on me, as many others did to their children. But I still don't know how to feel like I'm "good". I feel like a naughty child on some level - like I am inherently bad. I remember trying to reach out to people a little bit when I started high school. I told my first boyfriend that "my dad" sometimes called me a bitch. His response? "Well maybe you are sometimes." Dumb kid. That didn't help anything.

I just want to stand up and scream,

"I'm not good enough!!"

Let me finish this by saying these are all feelings. Logically, I can point out all the fallacies. But in my heart is a battle between logic and feelings. Logic usually wins, but right now, the feelings are on my mind.

Rachel

Be a Fan