I try not to be paranoid, but I am definitely hyper-sensitive to this. For example, I was at a get-together last spring. There was a family there. They had all girls. The girls were a bit socially awkward. Their father was a minister. At one point, one of the girls was sitting on his lap. I believe she was around 14 years old. I remember thinking she was far too old for that. It made me so uncomfortable, I had to turn my head so that they were not in my line of vision.
Could it have been perfectly innocent? Of course. Could it have been something more? I have no way of saying. I just know it didn't feel right. I mean, where are the boundaries??
In all fairness, it's not like I've experienced a healthy father-daughter relationship. I get very jealous of other girls/women who do seem to have that.
But it is not so. The question is, what do I do with this altered perception? I can't exactly call CPS because a girl sat on her dad's lap, or because things just don't feel right in their interactions. I could use it as a clue that I need to be vigilant of the situation, so that I may be able to help or further investigate should the opportunity or need arise.
The really crappy part is when I see people in public that I would suspect something isn't right, and I assure you, it does happen. What can I do? I'm nothing but a stranger to them and will probably never see them again.
Has anyone else experienced this? Or do you believe you have a family without dysfunction? I'd like to know one exists...
Rachel
i definitely know what you mean about seeing the world differently because of abuse, and i too look at any "normal" family and closely scrutinize, expecting to see the dysfunction that i expect to be present in every home.
ReplyDeletefor me, i do what you do when i know the families: i look and wait for a little more evidence so i can make the call or intervene where intervention should happen.
with people i get that feeling about but have no relationship with, i pray. prayer may not have pulled either of us out of the situation, but i know for me, other people's prayers made my life livable, sometimes without my knowing until years later. if i can do even that for someone, a start has been made. God can send someone who CAN make that difference. Asking for that and asking for safety for them are my 2 go-tos.
I'm glad to hear you at least understand how I feel. It's very frustrating. And you make a good point about turning to prayer. Sometimes it's all you can really do, and trust that God will guide them. I know my faith is one of the few things that kept me alive during that time.
ReplyDeleteThanks Beth!
Rachel
I grew up in a family without dysfunction... we do exist. My sister married into a relationship that turned abusive (but not physically, that I know of), and separated and got the divorce, and they've been mildly amicable now that they're not married, but that's the closest brush with dysfunction my family has had.
ReplyDeleteI think the word "normal" becomes totally useless when talking about families. Especially since almost everyone seems to feel that their personal experience is/was "normal". When I was first introducing my wife to my family she was extremely cautious of them. She kept asking me questions that I universally answered, "No, why would anyone ever do that?"
ReplyDeleteI think that having been abused you have both a heightened sense of perception for signs of abuse and a tendency to jump at shadows, especially since we tend to believe our own experiences to be representative of "normal". I believe we're called to assume the best of people. That means acting as soon as theirs a concrete reason to act, but giving others the benefit of the doubt until then.
I agree with you David. It is best to assume the best of people. Generally, I think I do. I wish I had a better sense of judgement about people actually. My husband does better than I do. But when I get a vibe like that...it's much, much harder. "Jump at shadows" is a very good way to put it!
ReplyDeleteKari,
ReplyDeleteThat's reassuring!! You're very lucky. :-)