SOC

I've been feeling a bit uninspired lately when it comes to writing, so I'm stealing a page out of Momma Resa's book and doing a "stream of consciousness" post - basically just writing what comes to mind.

At the moment, I'm feeling lonely. I have Studdly Hubby here next to me, and we're great. My "marital love tank" is full. But something is missing. This is something I feel from time to time. For a while I thought perhaps it came from living in too-small houses with a too-big family to being just the two of us. And maybe that is part of it. But it's not really about quantity; it's about quality. I'm feeling a need for connections. I've kind of lost touch with a couple of my best friends. One recently married and moved to California. The other recently married and is living in Michigan (we were in her EPIC wedding). I'll be the first to admit that I am terrible with long distance relationships. And I don't completely connect with that many people. There is only a small handful of people that I consider to be my sisters. (That means you Kristina and Alaine!) 

Me on the left, Studdly Hubby on the right

My Kristina and I

Now I have a new job and I'm longing to make connections there. But it's not the kind of job where there is a lot of time to sit and chat. I should probably make more of an effort to see some of my co-workers outside of work, but I have realized in this past year that I have some mild social anxiety. I blame this on not being allowed to go out or to visit friends when I was younger and especially a teenager, along with carrying around a disgusting secret. 

Regardless of the reason, I get nervous. I really have to psych myself up if I'm going to go to something outside of work. One-on-one and very small groups are better than parties and big groups. Those almost cripple me socially. I panic and worry that I'm going to be judged. An example of this is the NYE party Studdly Hubby and I went to this year. It was at his friend's house in New Palestine. I really like his friend and his friend has really great friends from what I can tell. They were all playing Dance Central. The whole time they were playing, I kept thinking "That looks like so much fun! We need to get this game!" But to embarrass myself by playing it with an audience of strangers? There was no freaking way. Inhibited does even begin to describe it.

In other news, I'm hoping to begin monthly get-togethers with my mother-in-law and aunts-in-law. We're trying to get a date nailed down for February to meet for dinner. There the closest family I have (geographically speaking) and they are awesome women. I could really benefit from having them in my life more than 2-3 times a year! I think this will help my feelings of loneliness as well. I have no doubt that part of it is due to the relationship I have with my mom right now and not knowing my father. These are things that are really important to me right now. 

Anyway, thanks for reading. It feels good to flex my blog muscle a little. ;-)

Rachel

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