A few days ago, I had a flashback. I was back in our house on Palmwood Ave. Which doesn't mean anything to you, my readers, but it does serve as a reference point for me. Anyway, I remember huddling in the bathroom with my mom and sisters. The door was locked, and my stepdad was on the other side yelling at us and pounding on the door. "Don't you make them afraid of me!" he screamed. I'm pretty sure that I understood the outlandishness of this statement even at the young age of 7ish.
The significant thing about this memory, besides the fact that it was completely terrifying, is that it's a reminder that he was always like that. I think I wanted to believe that his rage got worse over time, but I think it was just more frequent later. If I could remember him being like that at the point, what was he like when she married him?
 |
| Our house on Palmwood Ct., courtesy of Google Street View. I can't believe how small it is! |
Then today, I walked into our bedroom and Bella and Char were both sleeping on the bed. I gave them each a kiss and told them I loved them. This led to another flashback from around the same time. My mom had my sisters and I lined up on the couch. She grabbed her purse, gave us each a kiss and said "I love you." I felt a sense of dread kick in. She told us that she was leaving us.
Where is the logic here? One day, she has us locked in the bathroom protecting us from her husband, and the next she's going to desert us and leave us with him? Of course, she didn't leave. He stopped her as she was walking out the door. This taught me a valuable lesson at the ripe age of 7: "Don't let Mom get upset, or she may leave us." This message may not have run so deep had she not "tried" to leave us on several more occasions, or shared with me her suicidal idealization, the latter of which taught that she may harm herself if she got too upset.
This was also around the same time as my earliest memory of sexual abuse. My stepdad owned a boat for some time. For a while, it was kept in the backyard of this house. I assume because he couldn't afford the dock rent. Anyway, one day I was inside the boat with him. He was masturbating right in front of me. He ejaculated and explained to me that the "white stuff" was sperm, and "it makes babies."
 |
| Looked a lot like this actually... |
Now tell me how I'm supposed to tell that emotionally unstable person anything about something like that? I knew something wasn't right. I knew it would upset her because I was told not to tell her. I was trapped. I was trapped in this sick secret. I couldn't risk losing my mom, so I obediently kept my mouth shut...for at least 13 years after that.
I can't believe how unprotected she left us. Because she refused to leave him, we dealt with his rage for years. My sisters that talk to him on the phone now are still dealing with it.
I didn't call my mom on Saturday like I said I was going to. I was tired from work and honestly did not feel like dealing with it. She didn't call me either, so I just didn't bother. I think I'm more ready now though. We have some things to talk about, besides how fulfilling her job is taking care of other people. Who cares. Take care of your kids....
Anyway, thanks for reading.
Rachel
That sucks, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteOddly though I didn't experience the same horros as you my family has a lot of "housing" reference points from dealing with my dad (and his rage and homosexuality/perversion).
Oh and because I think you need some. **E-Hugs**
I don't remember that whole bathroom thing. I guess I was probably too young. It surprises me though; usually mom would just turn a blind eye when he was acting like that. Acknowledging it only made it worse. Although that "Don't make them afraid of me" thing sounds exactly like something he would say.
ReplyDeleteI brought this up to Mom once, about how she used to threaten to leave. She said she didn't remember ever doing it. It just blows my mind sometimes.
Thanks MommaResa. I do need some. :-)
ReplyDelete