If you've noticed my abnormal absence from blogging the past few days, it's because I've been in a really weird head space since Friday.
As I shared before, my mom texted me that she began counseling. I had agreed to open up communication again once she took this step so I knew it was time. We agreed to talk on the phone on Monday night.
Between Friday and Monday night, I was in a panic. I felt like a naughty child who had been caught because I had had all this time to sort through and process a lot of negative feelings, anger and disappointment towards her. But I hadn't talked to her about any of it. I knew it was time to confront her and share all of this, and I had no idea how she would respond. I didn't know what to expect from the call at all, but I knew I wasn't going to back down.
Fast forward to Monday night...I got a hold of her and she brought me up to date on her life. She talked about her job. She talked about my sisters. She talked and talked and talked for half an hour as if though nothing had ever happened. And I didn't bring anything up either. She didn't even ask many questions about me or my life, other than to ask how I like my job when I told her I made the switch.
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| Whatever I was feeling, it didn't feel good. |
I didn't even know how I was feeling after the call. Was I disappointed? Relieved? Numb?
After a while, I realized I was angry with myself. For all my talk about not backing down, that is exactly what I did. I promised I wasn't going to let the conversation go that way, and it's exactly what I did anyway.
The whole mess has been festering in my head for the last 24 hours. I've been contemplating our relationship, thinking about what to say to her when we talk again (on Saturday) and still trying to decipher my feelings.
Then there was a really weird situation at work this afternoon in which the wife of a resident shared that she was sexually assaulted several days ago. She was very shaken up and shared with us how she was feeling through her tears. When I come across these sorts of situations where my own emotions need to be kept in check, it leaves me feeling strange. I feel emotional, but I don't know which emotions. I do know I am very empathetic, and am often able to feel what other people are feeling, to an extent of course. In cases like these, I almost feel like a sponge. I absorb their feelings, but don't fully feel them. Does that make sense? Probably not, but it does to me. :-P Although this is unrelated to the mom issues, it's definitely adding to my "weird head space".
So there's where things stand right now. Have a good night all.
Rachel
Have you thought about writing your mother a letter? You'd have a chance to tell her everything you feel you need to say to her with no interruptions, no stage fright, plenty of time to think about exactly what you want to say and exactly how to say it. You'd be so surprised how simply writing all of that down will make you feel, regardless of whether or not you even give it to her.
ReplyDeleteCommunication is a two way street, but sometimes it is hard to get thru when there is too much traffic coming from the other end. Give it time and wait for an opening, then you can direct the conversation to where you want it to go.
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