It's no secret that I'm a big fan of Oprah. She has played a major role in changing how this country views and deals with sexual assault and abuse of any kind. She has given victims a voice, and has been a model of overcoming. Needless to say, I watch it whenever I can. Right now I'm able to catch episodes on my DVR. Of course I've missed a lot of episodes because of work schedules as well.
I'm always riveted by the stories of real people on her show. Most of them have been through some kind of adversity, whether it be heartbreak, betrayal or abuse. People just fascinate me! Obviously, the stories from survivors of child abuse or sexual assault are especially significant for me.
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| The twins |
When I'm watching these stories, I can't help but relate them back to my own. I usually spot the similarities quickly. Today's episode featured twin sisters who, along with one younger sister, were raped for years by their 2 older brothers and father. Clearly, this was horrific, and in many ways, I can't even imagine the horror of their existence during those years.
But the similarities lie in how they felt about some things. For example, the girls didn't want their family torn apart, even though it wasn't much of a family. It was part of the reason they couldn't tell anyone what was going on. I could tell just from watching their body language that one of the twins was still very numb, but the other was in a different place and more in touch with her emotions connected to their rape. I've been in both of those places. I was also struck by their neighbors comment that they had any idea that the abuse was taking place. The girls talked about the fact they had to protect their secret. They couldn't let anyone know that anything was wrong. I can recall people telling my mom what a happy child I was...
But most of these stories also involve aspects I feel differently about. For example, they always seem to remember how old they were when things happened. I can easily tell you where we were living when some things occurred, but I have no idea how old I was or what grade I was in. I feel like my memories are not very clear in some ways. As if though in the process of blocking out the abuse, I was blocking out the rest of my childhood as well. It was very difficult to come up with a timeline for the court case. Between me sharing the instances of abuse and where it happened, my mom was able to tell the detective how old I was when we were living there. Is this something the other victims went through as well?
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| Different from the other girls |
Another thing that always strikes me as different is the fact that many of them believed that this must be how all families were. I don't remember ever feeling that! In fact, I think I often felt like there was something different about me. I don't think I could quite grasp how horribly wrong it was when I was very young - I don't think I even knew to say "No" - but I did know it was wrong. I was told not to tell anyone. That was a pretty clear sign. As the abuse progressed from him exposing himself to me to fondling, more red flags started to show up for me. I was uncomfortable and confused. I believe this was around the same time I figured out that my mom's wedding anniversary was 2 more years than my age and I was told a bold faced lie about my conception. Anyone, the point is I was starting to ask questions. I knew something wasn't right with our family.
Are my feelings more normal than it seems to me? Am I picking up on a trend that isn't there?
Also:
"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah (She said it three times so I think I got it right)
Rachel
interesting stuff. i'm actually more in the boat of being surprised that other families did not share my brokenness. But I wonder if part of that isn't the difference between different types of abuse. i wouldn't be surprised if your reaction that something was wrong was more the norm than perhaps not.
ReplyDeletei'm intrigued by Oprah's forgiveness quote. In many ways, forgiveness is what empowers me to be free of my past. I guess what she says is true, but I hate to link forgiveness with giving up hope. I think forgiveness is giving yourself the freedom to tell the past it cannot force you to be anyone. Forgiveness is the freedom to be made new. The past is what it is. We are allowed, with time and healing, to no longer be a slave to it.
oprah has been a hugeinspiration for me as well, i missed todays episode it sounds like should look it up online. As for no one noticing things were going I feel like that is a universal thing for the most part, at least from talking to you and a few other people and my own experience. It seems that outsiders may see something that might be out of place but pass it off as a weird quirk, or an abnormally angry transitioning teenager, or a odd child and they'll grow out of it so they pass it off. I think we as the abused also work very very hard to hide what is happening to us. There is something about being raped that makes you want to hide it, your mind tells you to be ashamed, or you're told to be afaid of telling so you work to look like a happy, normal, completely functioning person.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know I wasn't as young as you were when things started happening, and it wasn't by a family member, but I think most people also feel like something in those situations is not 'normal' but you try to rationalize what is happening as normal. that or your mind can't mentally accept that someone so close to you could possibly have done what you're saying they have done. It's like a fight between reality and what you want to believe becuase you can't comprehend how someone could be so sick.
Thats my take on it at least. I hope it helps.
I think everyone experiences life differently. That's what makes it worth giving a shit about. I was never abused physically as a child, but I can relate to the memories. I have a weird problem, though. I've tended to forget GOOD memories. Memories that, in retrospect, seem kind of insignificant. Like, I have absolutely no memory whatsoever of going to Disney World at age 8 or 9 with my mom, step-dad, sisters, step-brother, and step-sister. NONE. No memory at all. It's gone. Ever since I got on Facebook, I've had school friends who will recall funny little anecdotes and events and parties, etc. For me, it's GONE. Not even fuzzy. It's like I have no idea what they are talking about. And these things should be happy memories. It's strange.
ReplyDeleteBeth, I agree with what you said about being surprised that more families aren't broken in some way. But I think as a child, although I knew something was wrong, I didn't have the insight to really reflect on it and understand it. It wasn't until I was older and (slightly) less egocentric that I could look around me and view the world differently. During the abuse, I felt very alone. After the disclosure, I saw it everywhere!
ReplyDeleteAllie, I agree with you that we tend to rationalize things. For me, I think I tried to intellectualize a lot of it. I think that was how I dealt with things the first few years after the disclosure, and still do to an extent. It's something I'm trying to work past, because it really only deals with things on the surface and doesn't really lend itself to healing.
ReplyDeleteAimee, EXACTLY! I forget good things too! Really random stuff that doesn't really matter, but I just cannot remember for the life of me. It's like, while I was blocking out the negative experiences, the positive swept right up too.
ReplyDelete