A Terrible Mother

I accidentally called my mom that in therapy today. It slipped out before I could stop it and actually startled me a little bit. 

I was talking about an instance in which she was going to consciously ignore her gut, and risk losing me forever. I was around 10 years old I think, although I'm a little fuzzy on the timing. I remember it as July for some reason. My step-dad was planning on flying to look for property to purchase in Wisconsin and was going to take me with him. He had been talking about moving out there throughout their whole marriage, so the idea of looking at property was not a surprise. However, my family was not one to take trips like that. We would all pack up and drive to Wisconsin once a year to visit Grandma and Grandpa Moore, but my mom didn't go anywhere without the rest of the family, nor did my step-dad. And we never, ever flew. This was a highly unusual situation, and it didn't sit well with me. I would be alone with him for however long we were gone. At this point I had learned that alone with him was not safe. I didn't know what would happen to me if I went with him. I felt nervous about it and didn't want to go, but knew better than to say anything. As I remember it, we had gone so far as to pack.  The night before, the trip was cancelled.

I brought this up to my mom a few years ago, after she left him. She said that she was so worried that she was never going to see me again if I got on that plane with him. She felt in her gut that something wasn't right.

Wait...Let's rewind that...

Your abusive husband was going to pack up your daughter, not his, fly across state lines, you felt in your heart that something was wrong and you may never see either of them again and you were going to let that happen?! 

This is about the time I let the "She's a terrible mother!" slip. 

I was reminded of summer 2005 when she called me and told me she wanted to put one of my sisters up for adoption. I was livid. She may have been having a hard time with said child, but it wasn't anything that warranted such an extreme response.

I have come to the conclusion that she is a weak woman. I'm not trying to be cruel, but she did not step up to her role, before or after the abuse. People tell me I am strong for surviving the abuse. I'm not. Anyone can survive it as long as they do not take their life by their own hands (which I certainly considered on more than once occasion). I am strong because I am dealing with it. I'm not burying my head in the sand about anything. I'm facing my demons and working as hard as I can to overcome them. I'm not saying that I'm the poster child for abused girls. I struggle and certainly have my weaknesses. But I can hold my head high and be proud of my work. She, on the other hand, won't even try to understand.

I know it would crush her to know that I feel that way, and for that I feel badly. It may seem cruel and unnecessary to others, but it is reality. My sisters may disagree and that's fine. If they don't feel that way, then I'm happy for them. But I'm not going to sugar coat this.

Rachel

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