*(Lyrics below...)
I am in a funk. A deeper funk than I've been in for quite a while. I don't know why and I'm not sure what's wrong. I haven't even felt like blogging lately, and that is very unlike me.
I don't feel inspired to change the world. I feel like there's nothing I can do. I'm only one person. I don't have the focus it takes to make a difference. I've started to write my book and feel completely overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start.
I just feel deeply unhappy right now. I love my husband and I love my job. But none of that is enough to crack through the walls that are keeping me locked up in my dark place.
I've been feeling like this for a couple weeks. It started gradually but picked up steam this past week. I've been feeling completely rundown and like I was getting sick. I almost started crying at lunch at work the other day. Tuesday night I was feeling miserable with a headache and a sore throat. Wednesday, I spent the whole day in bed, napping and watching TV. I even watched a movie that I thought would help me feel really empowered and I got nothing out of it. Today I just felt completely wiped out and exhausted, just by getting ready for work. Maybe I stressed myself into getting sick. Maybe I was getting sick and feeling down weakened my immune system. I don't know, but feeling sick certainly didn't help anything.
I'm feeling weak, and not just in the physical sense. I usually feel pretty empowered, and in touch with an inner self that feels enlightened and strong. I usually feel like one day, I can do something good for this world. Right now, I'm crying because I feel the exact opposite of all of that.
I just feel so darn sensitive sometimes, but not to everyone. Facebooking (shut-up spell-check, it's a word!) with my family has been an interesting experience. My sisters and I have different ideas about what is funny. We also have different ideas about what may hurt my feelings. I don't think they leave comments to intentionally hurt me (at least I would hope not), but some things they say really do. If I'm already feeling down and vulnerable and they leave what I perceive to be a rude comment, I feel incredibly alone. I suppose I've always had maternal feelings towards them and did all I could for them when I was home, so when things like that come up, I guess I feel betrayed.
I also feel odd and out of place. I feel different and like no one really knows me other than Studdly Hubby. Maybe that shouldn't matter, but I feel isolated. I don't have many friends out side of work, which is a bad idea. In the workplace, there's only so much you can share, for a variety of reasons. And I'm not saying that's good or bad, but that's the way it is. I also find that I'm over sensitive to appropriate boundaries. My co-workers have shared different things with me about their childhoods and their families, but I'm always a bit apprehensive to put all my baggage out there because I have more than a carry-on and I have sometimes have trouble carrying it all. One of them has a tendency to say "No family is perfect" or something along those lines, and I'm not sure if she means "So what, we've all got our crosses to bear so suck it up" or if she's saying "It's ok, my family has problems too." So between my oversensitivity and amazing skill to over think things, I tend to wait for an invitation to share, and it doesn't always come because that's not always how conversation works.
When I'm doing a depression screen on a new resident, I ask them if they've felt down and depressed or if they feel like a failure. Sometimes, their lip quivers and tears well up in their eyes. I have to try not to cry right along with them. Why isn't my guard up better than that?!
I'm not crying out for sympathy here. I'm just being honest. Maybe a good hard cry is all I need...
*I know this song sounds ripe with teen angst, but I was looking for a song I could relate to right now, and when I listened to this one I started crying, so I think it's a winner:
"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like"
Rachel
Don't ever stop thinking that one person who cares can change the world; they are the only ones who ever have...
ReplyDeleteI'm just not sure I'm that person. I'm too controlling to do well within someone else's project/group/committee, and too unfocused to do anything of my own. If I could just pull it together...*sigh* I just want to do something worthwhile more than anything - to have an impact.
ReplyDeleteIf you make a positive impact in even one person's life, you make this world a better place. It may not seem like much to you, but for that person, it means a whole lot. Change the world one person at a time...
ReplyDeletefeeling that you have to or should or want to change the world can be crushingly overwhelming. i know it does for me, and it makes me want to just stop all together. that's kinda reasonable.
ReplyDeletethere's this really cliche story about a guy throwing starfish back into the water with thousands on the beach and somebody's all "why you doin that? it don't matter' and the guy's all 'it matters to that one.'
anyway, cheesy as that is, it's got some truth. some people apply this bit to Jesus, and that's pretty awesome, and pretty true. Similarly, perhaps there's some satisfaction to be had over the significance you have in one life. reading your blog today was a huge comfort to me. i've been experiencing similar feelings, and it's good to know that i'm not alone. i know some other people whose lives you have changed forever.
i don't know that there's a way to change the things you're experiencing, i will be praying for you. There is light at the end of this tunnel.
Wow.. you've taken the word out of my most on alot of this... on a side not reguarding the book... about 2 years ago i thought about writing a book, never told anybody, and I though who would read this and it was just such a huge project... over those past 2 years i've journaled, and made notes or written down topics that i felt strongly about... it may be two years later but i have to rough draft of a book done (actually its being sent to beth for editing and opinions.. point being maybe if you start writing with out thinking "im writing a book" and just write... the words may come easier and be less overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteAs for changing the world. I agree it's overwhelming. But I would like to extend an offer, whether you ever take it or not, to be another person to change the world together. If it means bouncing ideas off each other or starting a retreat together, if it involves changinging the world... IM IN! :)
Last but not least, I understand the feeling alone part. I feel that you, and beth in certain ways are the only people who really really know who I am. I just moved and have a new roomie... do i tell her, do i explain why i have my weird qwirks or do i just pass them off as weird qwirks that everyone has and not explain them?
Maybe this will inspire you, it inspired me... every single time winston churchill ran for public office he lost until he became prime minister at the age of 62... and he had a huge hand in changing the world at 62....
dont give up :)
Beth,
ReplyDeleteIt does help me to know that I've helped anyone. I think I tend to lose sight and if I don't have someone telling me, I don't feel like my blog is making a difference at all. I'm so relieved to hear you could relate. I hesitated in posting this.
And thank you for the prayers. I'm already feeling a bit better tonight, thanks to some much needed support and an emergency therapy session!
Rachel