There is a symptom of PTSD that has really been bothering me lately. It's been a problem all along, but once I notice it, it comes up more frequently.
Do you ever see someone who briefly looks just like someone that you know it can't be? Maybe your grandmother that has passed away, or a friend that lives hours away and has no reason to be where you are at the moment? For those that don't know, a doppelganger is a look-alike. It also has some other, more traditional and very interesting meanings which you can view here. (You're welcome) I have this all the time, except its my dad who is actually locked up in prison in northern Michigan.
Usually this is a very brief feeling. I see someone that walks like him, or has hair like him or sometimes just reminds me of him for some reason. A split second later, I am back in reality, but still feel very shaken. I feel foolish for even having that reaction when I know he's locked up. I even check his prison page routinely to give myself a reality check and reassure myself that he's still there. (BTW, if they would update the photo more often, it would feel more real.) I feel frustrated that this is even a part of my life. I feel vulnerable and unsafe, because someday, he won't be locked up.
When I first disclosed the abuse, I was living in a dorm. I gave his photo and information to security and let them know he wasn't allowed near me. It actually made me feel more protected. I also had multiple male friends that I knew would protect me if it came to that.
But what about now that I'm the real world? I spend the day in the workplace, surrounded by co-workers, not close friends. If he walked through the door, no one would question it. We get all kinds of people visiting our residents. No one would warn me. No one would send him away or call the police. They would have no idea. I don't even want to think about what would happen if he showed up at our apartment when I was alone. I already have nightmares about it.
I know the likelihood of him showing up within the next 3 years is 1 in 1 billion. But this isn't about what I think will really happen. It's about the feeling I get when I see someone like him.
It actually happened today at work. I saw someone coming down the hallway while I was standing at the nurses station. I can't even tell you why it reminded me of him. I couldn't even tell you what the man looked like, because it doesn't matter. But I had to fight back tears. Not because of this single incident, but because earlier that day I saw someone in a pick-up truck (his vehicle of choice) that reminded me of him. And because there have been several other incidents lately. I feel like my life is being intruded upon.
In theory, this will get better once I "defeat" the power he has in my mind. Maybe then I will feel safer.
For now, I need to relax more. Anyone know of a good place to get a massage around here? :-P
For the record...here are a couple of my dopplegangers:
Rachel
That happens to me all the time. But with my dad and Cat's father as well. And sometimes I really do see Poppa's father (because he lives around here.) But every time I think I see my dad or Cat's dad I have a minor panic attack and have to take a few minutes to chill and pray.
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