First of all, I have never tried any kind of illegal substance. I haven't even touched a cigarette. I never really saw the point in either. I also have a near phobia of being drunk. I've only let it happen once, and didn't really care for it.
There was a time in my life when I wasn't really facing my demons. I knew that many survivors of abuse turned to drugs or alcohol, but at the time, I didn't completely understand why.
Confession: Over the last few months, I've come to understand. I've been sick to my stomach, had headaches and chest pain, all unrelated to anything physical. Also, PTSD can leave you feeling really jumpy and agitated sometimes. No, I haven't tried any drugs or turned to alcoholism, but the thought has crossed my mind. There were several occasions when I thought a little pot would really help me relax. I can easily imagine how someone with a history like mine would easily become addicted to a narcotic. Maybe I should rephrase that...I can easily imagine how I could easily become addicted to a narcotic. After all, willpower isn't my strongest point.
On the other hand, I've considered legal drugs as well. So far, I've been doing all of this without anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds. Simone hasn't suggested them, and I haven't asked. I want to be able to do this without the help of chemicals, but there have been some moments in the past few months when I've felt like an "as needed" Xanax would be helpful. But I've always get through and find the light on the other side. As long as I can keep doing that, I think I can avoid the drugs. I think.
Things have been tough lately. I remember several months ago when I was feeling very in-touch with my "actual self". I was making great progress and just feeling very balanced and spiritual. I walked a little taller and felt like I had an inner light just bursting out my pores. I had 2 people ask me if I was pregnant because I apparently had a glow or an aura about me. I haven't felt like that in a while now. And I really miss it. Right now I feel bruised and tired and old. I'm still optimistic and feel good about my choices, but right now, it's not fun. My blog got a little quiet for a few weeks (which feels like an eternity to me), but now that I'm writing again, I feel a little better. Usually my mood affects my writing which affects my mood. So if I'm in the wrong state of mind, I just can't find any inspiration, and then I'm irritated which puts me in a worse state of mind!
I guess the point of all this has been just to say that I'm proud that I've made it this far without the help of pharmaceuticals, although I haven't ruled them out completely. I believe there is most certainly a place for those kinds of drugs, although I do believe general practitioners over-prescribe them.
Have any of you had success or a bad experience with mood enhancing prescriptions?
Rachel
i'm like you ... i've never tried any illegal substances, and to this point, i've gone without prescription drugs for anxiety, etc. but i've also struggled with needing help to relax, or regain control. i've thought about drinking more, but it's such a slippery slope, and alcoholism runs in the family, and the last thing i want to do is hurt someone else like i've been hurt.
ReplyDeleteother times, i really want to make myself throw up. it's like my emotions are making me nauseous, and if i could just throw up, i'd get a little relief ... that that calm that comes after you throw up the contents of an upset stomach. i never have actually made myself throw up, but it's a conscious decision i have to make in times when i'm really struggling.
i don't know why i share all this ... i guess just to let you know that you're not alone. that there are others of us out there that struggle to not "self-medicate." and i totally think you should talk to your therapist about it. i think it's really honorable that you want to do this without the aid of meds, but it might be easier or faster to use them. or not. idk, b/c i'm not a therapist :) but i def think that if you're having panic attacks at work, it's something worth at least thinking about.
Hi Rachel,
ReplyDeleteThis is Rachel Brandon.
I've been reading along with your blogs for a while now and I recently got this devotion from my pastor. It made me think of you immediately. You are in my prayers often.
Psalm 32:7 You are a hiding place for me; you preserve me from trouble; you surround me with shouts of deliverance.
Tornado sirens. Funnel cloud sightings. Weather radio alerts. Yesterday afternoon, we sought refuge in our basement like many others at the news of a tornado spotted just one exit away. Later, we heard of the devastation that happened in Joplin. Times like yesterday leave many people anxious and afraid. Some people who take something as simple as a basement for granted. But a young college student in Tuscaloosa died when the apartment closet that she was hiding in was crushed last month. It is a good thing to have a safe place to hide when the storms come, figuratively as well as literally. Many find themselves troubled and afraid by the storms of life that wreak the havoc of economomic troubles, chemical dependency, destructive relationships, health crises, and a whole host of other potential storms. These storms don't just blow into our lives a couple months of the year, but constantly place us in peril. Yet, how blessed we are to have the Lord God as our hiding place. The child of God has the comfort and assurance to be able to take refuge in Him and the strength that He provides. Our Lord who stilled the storm on the Sea of Galilee is able to provide us safe harbor when the tumultous seas and winds of our life are too much for us. We don't need to be afraid or try to face the storms on our own. Our God is a God who delivers, who rescues, who saves! This is the message that we can provide to people who are burdened by the storms and pressures of life.
Prayer - Dear Lord, Be my hiding place when the world is to much. Keep me safe and bring me peace and hope through your Son Jesus. Amen
Hi Rachel - So glad to hear from you! And thank you so much for sharing. That was a beautiful devotion and a very good reminder. Hope all is well with you an Mr. Brandon!
ReplyDeleteAnnie - Thank you for sharing! I think it's helpful when you find yourself in those situations where you struggle to know that other people face the same struggles and stay strong!
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I ever talked to you much about the drugs I was put on in high school during my cutting phase.
ReplyDeleteI was on antidepressants and antianxiety meds. (I don't remember what they were, sorry.) Anyway, my experience was obviously not good. Before the meds, I was cutting myself maybe once a week. But when I was on them, it was like I couldn't feel anything, no emotion whatsoever, and that frustrated me more. In my mind I knew that I SHOULD have been angry, hurt, and so forth, but I didn't feel it emotionally. So I started cutting myself more in attempt to feel something, to prove that I still had some feelings. By the time I was taken off them, I was cutting several times a day. Personally, I think drugs should be an absolute last resort after trying different forms of therapy and lots of hard work, which you obviously are no stranger to.
I told you the other day on the phone about smoking Purple Magic. I don't know what your comfort level is, but maybe you could try that. I remember you saying before that you are physically tense all the time. K2 helps you to relax; and unlike being drunk, you are aware of your surroundings and your physical reactions are not delayed. Also on the plus side: it's legal, so you know it's never laced with anything, and you don't have to deal with shady people to get your hands on it. I'm not saying you should use it as a therapeutic thing, but on a night when you're going to pamper yourself with a bath and some music, it couldn't hurt, right?
Abby