I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day who had also been sexually abused as a child. We were at work and she commented that it seemed like it was a good day because there didn't seem to be a lot of tension. This led us to realize that we both have the gift of reading people's feelings. We can easily tell when someone is upset, angry, depressed, anxious, sad, or even especially happy. When in an abusive situation, you become very aware of your abuser's moods, in a feeble attempt to protect yourself by knowing how to behave based on that mood. Of course this never gets you too far because the problem is with the abuser, not with the abused.
Anyway, we discussed how this "instinct" can be both good and bad. For example, if someone I care about is in a bad mood of some sort, I panic that I did or said something wrong. Surely it's my fault! Of course it rarely is, but I panic anyway. The absolute worst is when it's someone in authority. If my boss tells me to come into her office later to talk to me, I feel sick. I just want to get it over with!
The good: I can read people. I can sense when someone is upset. I can sense when there is something more they want to say. I believe this is also part of the reason I am able to be so empathetic. If I know how someone is feeling, I feel it too. I remember when my sister broke up with her first boyfriend. I felt like I had just been dumped. I have a particular resident who has been horribly depressed for months. When I talk to her, I can feel that familiar sensation of falling endlessly into a dark black hole. There's no reason to eat or socialize or even to get up in the morning. When someone is just generally happy and excited, I feel that too. Emotions are extremely contagious.
So that's the instinct part. Now on to the insight.
I'm going to use 2 examples for this, one classical and one modern. My therapist told me the story of Cassandra from Greek mythology. She was very beautiful, and because of this, Apollo desired her and granted her the gift of prophecy. When Cassandra rejected his advances, he cursed her so that no one would believe her prophecies. She actually predicted that whole Trojan horse ordeal, but of course, everyone thought she was crazy. Afterwards, she sought shelter in a temple and was violently raped. Then she was taken as a concubine to King Agamemnom (these names are ridiculous to remember and spell correctly). The two of them (and their twin boys) then head to his home, where his wife is waiting. On the way, Cassandra senses that the wife is going to kill both of them. She tries to tell the King, but of course, he won't listen. At this point she goes mad, arrives at his home, and the prophecy is fulfilled.
So there's the classical example. What does all this have to do with me? I'm not a prophet in any sense. But, I have been trying to help my family for 6 years. I've been encouraging them all to seek therapy. I've been supporting them and trying to show them that if they don't get help, there will be problems down the road.
They didn't listen. They wouldn't. They would make comments about the fact the I'm studying psychology and so I thought that made me smarter than them. Of course, this was never the case. One of the first things they teach in Psych 101 is that you should never try to psychoanalyze your friends and family. Well, that and don't diagnose them or yourself with everything you're learning about. It was always "perfect little Rachel" (a direct quote from the vicious message from my sister) up on her high horse, trying to tell everyone else what to do. In the end, one sister dropped out of high school and got picked up by the police for shoplifting. Another has completely disowned me. One still doesn't believe the sexual abuse even happened. The house is trashed and filthy in ways that I won't even describe here, and Mom was fired from her job as a caregiver for the mentally ill.
But everything's fine. Sure.
And now, for the modern example. Did you ever see "Independence Day" with Will Smith? There is a character in it played by Randy Quaid, who claims that he was abducted by aliens years ago. He is also an alcoholic, so it's not surprise that nobody believes him. After the aliens attach, he exclaims:
"Good God! I've been sayin' it. I've been sayin' it for ten damn years. Ain't I been sayin' it, Miguel? Yeah, I've been sayin' it."
The good: I can read people. I can sense when someone is upset. I can sense when there is something more they want to say. I believe this is also part of the reason I am able to be so empathetic. If I know how someone is feeling, I feel it too. I remember when my sister broke up with her first boyfriend. I felt like I had just been dumped. I have a particular resident who has been horribly depressed for months. When I talk to her, I can feel that familiar sensation of falling endlessly into a dark black hole. There's no reason to eat or socialize or even to get up in the morning. When someone is just generally happy and excited, I feel that too. Emotions are extremely contagious.
So that's the instinct part. Now on to the insight.
So there's the classical example. What does all this have to do with me? I'm not a prophet in any sense. But, I have been trying to help my family for 6 years. I've been encouraging them all to seek therapy. I've been supporting them and trying to show them that if they don't get help, there will be problems down the road.
They didn't listen. They wouldn't. They would make comments about the fact the I'm studying psychology and so I thought that made me smarter than them. Of course, this was never the case. One of the first things they teach in Psych 101 is that you should never try to psychoanalyze your friends and family. Well, that and don't diagnose them or yourself with everything you're learning about. It was always "perfect little Rachel" (a direct quote from the vicious message from my sister) up on her high horse, trying to tell everyone else what to do. In the end, one sister dropped out of high school and got picked up by the police for shoplifting. Another has completely disowned me. One still doesn't believe the sexual abuse even happened. The house is trashed and filthy in ways that I won't even describe here, and Mom was fired from her job as a caregiver for the mentally ill.
But everything's fine. Sure.
And now, for the modern example. Did you ever see "Independence Day" with Will Smith? There is a character in it played by Randy Quaid, who claims that he was abducted by aliens years ago. He is also an alcoholic, so it's not surprise that nobody believes him. After the aliens attach, he exclaims:
"Good God! I've been sayin' it. I've been sayin' it for ten damn years. Ain't I been sayin' it, Miguel? Yeah, I've been sayin' it."
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| No one is exactly taking notes from this guy. |
Aaron and I have used that line after multiple conversations with my family. It's so completely frustrating when you can see that someone's choices aren't the best ones, and you try to offer some guidance, but it's ignored. You end up in one of those situations where being right doesn't feel good at all.
Anyway, that's what's been on my mind today. Hope it made some sense!
Rachel
SOOOOO TRUE, SO TRUE, SO TRUE, I can relate to every last word of this.
ReplyDeleteI suspected you might!!!
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