I Wonder

I decided to take on the massive project of cleaning out one of our storage closets today. I found all kinds of fun stuff like high school yearbooks, the program from the Miss Michigan USA pageant I participated in, Studdly Hubby's baby book and lots more. One thing I came across was the transcript from my testimony in the court case. I'll come back to that one later. I also found a poem I wrote several years ago.

Crying...

Crying so hard

    I think I'll never stop.

I might suffocate

Can one die of misery?

   I wonder...

He's back.

   But he doesn't care.

Crying, begging, yelling

   None of it matters to him.

And I know it doesn't matter anyway

   so I give up.

   I shut down.

I give in to his commands.

I don't care anymore...

   At least that's what I tell myself

   In this moment

Laughing...

Laughing so hard

   I wish I'd never stop

Something in Spanish class...

   Oh yeah, Stephanie's cat

I smile remembering

Oh, what did he say?

   Yeah, yeah, I'm doing it just how you said

He won't leave me alone.

   What's going on here?

   How is this possible?

I feel my brain shutting down...

I'm numb now.

   So numb.

I'm nothing

   Nothing but a robot

   A rag doll

   Not caring

   Mind boggled

Numb.

   So very numb.

I don't think I can stop.

I might go insane

   Can one go insane from numbness?

      I wonder...."

I'm happy to say that I'm not in the dark place anymore, but it's a very honest look at how it once felt.

Rachel

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