There is a phrase in the German language, "Ich habe die Nase voll" meaning, "My nose is full/congested." Interestingly, it also means "I've had it up to here!" When I saw Simone on Tuesday, she noticed I wasn't myself. When I shared with her some things I have going on right now, on top of a month long, antibiotic resistant sinus infection, she shared that German phrase with me, which seemed eerily fitting.
The semester is finally coming to an end. I only have a few weeks left, which includes 2 major papers, and my math final, as well as the usual weekly assignments. I petitioned for Concordia to accept the math class I'm in to count for the math credit necessary for my degree. That's great, expect if I don't get a C-, it won't transfer. Even though I average 98% on the homework, and 86% on the quizzes, I will need a 96% on my final to achieve that, thanks to bombing the mid-term. Let's assume I pull that off. I also realized I will need 17 more credits to graduate. So I'm currently registered for 17 credits for Spring 2012. Now let's assume I DON'T get a 96% on my math final. Then those 3 credits won't transfer and I'll need 20, which I cannot do in one semester. Which means I still won't graduate in May.
I've already been running out of steam a little bit for this semester, but the prospect of graduating soon was really propelling me forward. But now it feels further and further away. I'm so frustrated by the whole thing and feel depleted of energy, motivation, determination, and so much more. It feels like all of my resources have been tapped out. My house is a mess, I barely get to blog anymore, I can't just pick up a book and enjoy it, because I know I should be studying instead. I don't feel like I can even spend much time working on myself, emotionally and mentally, which has slowed things down in therapy, in my mind anyway. And part of that is probably related to the fact that I haven't been writing about it all as well.
On top of all that, I've been feeling really lonely and kind of isolated lately. One of the problems with that is that I sometimes isolate myself even further when I feel that way. I briefly considered not going to Aaron's family's Thanksgiving, but I know going would be better for me. Today I texted my mother-in-law about Black Friday shopping, and then texted my little brother(-in-law) about staying with us that weekend. That made me feel a little better about the holiday, especially when my brother offered to go Black Friday shopping with me if I was going to be going alone. Seriously, what almost 16 year old volunteers to get up at 3am to go shopping with his 26 year old sister-in-law? I adore him. He is the little brother I always wanted and never had.
Anyway, my point is, I am in need of a pep talk. Or some time off. Or a therapeutic retreat. Or a really good professional massage. Or taking the rest of the semester off from work. Although somehow I don't think my boss or my bank account would appreciate that much.
I don't know what I need.
Rachel
you have taken every emotion and feeling and put it into words. next semester i have 15 credit of regular school and cosmetology school ontop of it all of wich are anywhere from 45 min to 1.5 hrs away from where i live. i understand the no motivation and stress. I also know the alone feeling. It's debilitating sometimes. So.. besides understanding... here's your pep talk..YOU HAVE MADE IT THIS FAR! You're almost done with teh semester. If you fail math and ahveto retake it maybe you're meant to stay one more semester.. Maybe there's someone you're meant to meet or place youre supposed to be. If you do pass that's awesome!! If you choose to do 20 credits in a semester that may teach you somethign about yourself that you don't know yet. Either way amongst the stress know that no matter what happens there is always a bigger plan even if it doesn't mesh with our precise planning (i def understand that). There are tons of people around you that believe in you and are here for you no matter what happens. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you Allie. We think so similar sometimes, its scary! That's exactly what I would have said to someone else, but we all know how hard it is to take our own advice sometimes. It sounds like next semester is going to be crazy for both of us!! Good luck!!!
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