I've been thinking a lot about my post on Anorexia. I think I shared a lot about the facts of what happened, however I did not talk about what cause the problem, or how I am dealing with it today.
To be perfectly honest, it's not something I have spent a lot of time thinking about or dissecting. I know eating disorders often result as an attempt to gain control in some way. I would assume this was the case with me. My whole family was so controlled by a narcissist, that this truly was the only control I had. I wasn't allowed to see friends outside of school (unless they came to my house, which was just embarrassing), I wasn't allowed to date, I couldn't wear the clothes I wanted to, I couldn't go to bed when I wanted to (a lot of abuse took place while the rest of the family was in bed), I wasn't even allowed to protect my own innocence. Sometimes when I am very excited, I don't have much of an appetite. So when I started high school, I probably lost a few pounds due to this. I received some positive feedback and realized that I had control over my weight.
That being said, I'm not sure how I got over my eating disorder. I think I started to reach a point of giving up. The abuse had intensified to such an extent, that I felt more helpless than ever. I was exhausted from staying up so late at night, working a part-time job, hiding the fact that I had a boyfriend, wearing the mask of the normal teenager, reminding myself why I wanted to stay alive and keeping all my emotions locked up that I needed to eat for energy. I think I would have passed out on a regular basis otherwise.
Today, I have a bit of an unhealthy relationship with food, but I have control over my own life (Aaron wouldn't dare try to tell me what to do!). I am almost always thinking about my next meal. My major vice is eating out. I have a bit of a small frame, so a little bit of weight shows on me easily. When I was down to a smaller size while working at Curves, I didn't look too thin, I looked healthy because it was the appropriate weight for my frame. I still look on the thin side I suppose, but I have a lot of extra cushion. I'm now trying to track my calories. Not in an unhealthy obsessive sort of way, but in a healthy, reasonable way. I want to lose a few pounds that would still place me in a healthy range, and am trying to consume the necessary amount of calories to lose about a pound per week. I'm not doing great at it, but every day is a chance to start fresh.
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