I feel like I have a million things on my mind right now that I could write about (when don't I!) so I'm doing my best to focus and get at least one post out tonight!
After a little Thanksgiving break, I jumped back into therapy today and did some more inner child work. We did two separate sessions. The premise for the first one is something I had never heard of, so I know I'm going to do a dreadful job of describing it. Basically, there is a theory that inner child work can go as far back as infancy or even pre-birth. Infants recognize when their needs are not being met, but they are unable to verbalize it. Fetuses have needs as well, as they feel whatever mom feels. See Google for more information!!
I've really been thinking a lot lately about Bio Dad. Going on the theory that as a baby I would understand things such as meeting him, or hearing about him, I started the first session in an effort to contact myself at this age and see if she had anything she could share.
I find myself in the Happy Place, where my Actual Self is waiting for me, already holding a baby. I walk up to her, and she places the swaddled infant in my arms. I look down at her, in awe of her beauty and innocence. She is sleeping soundly. I bask in the moment. As we stand there, I talk to my Actual Self and explain what I'm looking for. I ask her if she knows anything, if she can show me anything. I then get the vague feeling that there is a path to the left, that leads into the more forested area. It is dark, but does not seem ominous, rather shrouded in mystery. I'm then distracted by a baby, sitting on the ground beside me. She is older than the one I was holding, and happily playing with some toys. I knelt down and played with her. She giggled happily. I asked her where her daddy was and she looked around, as if expecting to find him. We go back to playing, and I pick her up, balancing her on my hip. She babbles on, assumedly about about her toy, and I ask her again where her daddy is. She looks around, the same as before, then goes back to her toy. We play a bit longer before I promise her that I will be back and then leave.
I really don't know how this one is going to play out, however I do believe it requires an open mind. There was a time when I would have scoffed at all of this, but I realize now that that attitude is both ignorant and foolish. I have been amazed by the effectiveness of inner child work up to this point, and realize that I have a long road ahead of me.
My therapist reminded me of something today that I did not remember. When I came in for my first session, I explained that I was there for anxiety, and that I had been abused in the past but I had already dealt with that. I knew I had grown and changed a lot in the past few months, however I did not realize it was THAT much! How foolish I was! Ok, maybe not foolish. But I am amused that it was only August when I said that, and now I blog about dealing with abuse. What a difference!
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