I want a baby. I really want a baby. Every month, right before my period, I investigate every little ache, pain and symptom and hope it's a sign that I'm pregnant, even though I'm on the pill. When I get that PMS bloat, I imagine how it would feel to have a baby expanding my belly.
So what am I waiting for? Simple- Aaron has to graduate and get a job. It's easy to say that there is never enough money for a baby, and while I understand that, I think we both desire a certain lifestyle for our family. Aaron was well taken care of in his childhood, and I know he wants to do the same for his children by providing for their physical needs, i.e. a comfortable home, healthy food, health insurance, clothing, etc., but also other needs such as a good education. I, on the other hand, went without a lot of things, so I want to be sure that doesn't happen to my children. Children shouldn't have to worry about money. I believe it's important to teach them how to handle it, but they shouldn't be wondering if the bills are going to be paid.
Logically, I am 100% on board with this decision. However, my heart doesn't listen to logic. This past month, I missed a birth control pill. I was feeling nauseous the week before my period and had some other symptoms as well. I thought I had to be pregnant. I really hoped anyway. I even went so far as to figure what my due date would be.
Yesterday, my period came. I couldn't help but feel crushed and disappointed. There were definitely tears. I can't win in this situation. If things go according to plan and I'm not pregnant for next 3 years, then I'm disappointed. If I were to conceive, then we would be in a world of trouble and I would completely panic.
But WHY do I want a baby so bad? I think there are several things at play here. First, it is the holidays. This time of year there is a lot of focus on family, traditions, children and of course, Mary's pregnancy and Jesus' birth. The whole season is centered around a baby. The commercials with the perfect families don't help either, particularly "daddy centered" ones. Christmas makes me feel like our little family is missing something.
Secondly, there is this obsession with Bio Dad. I desire a father figure, but do not look for that in a romantic partner. I don't expect Aaron to fill this need. It's not his place. On the other hand, I'm anxious to see him father our children. I want him to have a close relationship with them, and be very involved in their lives. I know he'll be an awesome dad and I can't wait to be proven right!
Third, I'm starting to get the hang of sex, FINALLY. This is something that I really wanted to deal with before putting my vagina through the trauma of childbirth! If I'm already having trouble, I can only imagine that would compound the problem if it hasn't been dealt with. I don't think we've crossed the finish line yet, but I do think we are quickly approaching it!
Also, I'm 25 years old, healthy, and happily married. I think it's normal to at least start to hear the clock ticking. I'll also have health insurance available at my new job, and this was another thing that was necessary to me before having a baby.
I think continuing my inner child work may help me with this as well. I have this little girl inside me who is crying out because her needs were not met. Perhaps, on some level, I long for a child of my own so that I can fulfill their needs in a way I was not able to do for myself. I don't think it's fair to a child to treat them as a clone of me, as they are their own person, with their own needs.
Finally, pregnancy is an epidemic! When Aaron and I got married, everyone was getting married. Now, a lot of those people are having babies. I've met new people through work who are now having babies. Please don't misinterpret this - I am ridiculously happy for them all! I thrive on the details and want to know every little detail so I can live vicariously through them! But I can't help feeling a terrible longing for a child of my own every time there is another pregnancy announcement. I have oodles of cousins (most of which are older than I) that have their families now. I've gotten to so many baby showers in my life (it's a big family) and always dreamed of the day it would be my turn.
I want to join the Mommy Club!
Please don't think I'm crazy after reading this. But please tell me there is someone out there who feels the same way!!
Before we had Elsa both Abi and myself felt the same way. Whenever her period would come late we would secretly hope that it might be a baby. I have wanted to be a father for years before we were even trying to be a father. We had many of the same or similar concerns that you are expressing. Elsa came at the time was right for her in our lives. You will get to that time in yours as well.
ReplyDeleteRachel, you know I feel the same way! But I know it can't happen for a couple years probably. We are definitely waiting for the "right" time in our lives, especially to be married and have what we feel is an appropriate "nest". I do know how you feel, but we must wait. I don't think there is ever a right time to have children but there are more convenient times. I had never been late before until a couple times this year and I was freaked out but excited at the same time. But really, it wouldn't be realistic to have a baby before Ethan finishes school, whether or not we are married. And definitely not when we only have 1 dependable income. If it does happen before Aaron graduates, you guys will make it work (as Tim Gunn would say). Don't worry Rachel, our time will come, and we'll know it wasn't meant to be any sooner and no matter what the timing, it will be perfect.
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