I was sitting in my bedroom on Tuesday doing a mental checklist of all things Christmas: gifts, food for get-togethers, what to wear to each one, etc. In the past, I would have had everything planned to a tee. That's just how I did things. I planned my entire wedding single-handedly right down to the smallest detail. I planned out my high school senior trip and even wrote out a detailed itinerary.
But that part of me has dwindled so much. That super planning, wanna-be Martha Stewart side of me is barely recognizable anymore.
But I know why. When I was planning pointless details, it was part of an effort to push all my issues further down. If I kept my mind busy, there would be no opportunity for things to come up on a conscious level.
I still do this but not nearly at the same level or intensity. Now I can be found surfing the internet with the TV on. Or reading with the TV on. I need the noise and distraction or else I'll start thinking. There have been a couple times when I've taken a bubble bath with just some music playing, and sue enough, I got to thinking. It wasn't a bad thing. I'm not entirely sure what I'm so afraid of. I suspect there is still a lot of powerful stuff waiting to come up.
Which means now that I'm aware of it, I should make an effort to do it more. I know it would be beneficial. But I just don't wanna. So there.
*sigh* I'll do it...
Maybe once I clear out some of this mental clutter, I can over plan things some more. It was kinda fun.
Rachel
Wow, reading the intro to your blog broke my heart. I hope you are doing alright. You are very brave for being so open.
ReplyDeleteWhitney
Thank you Whitney! I am doing more alright than I was, but still have a long road ahead of me. :-)
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting!