Even though my dad had been "squished" in one of my last adventures in inner work, there is still work left to be done. So this week I returned.
I called upon the "younger me's" as I had before. This time I was only able to meet with two of them, the 17 year old and the 12 year old. In the past, the 17 year old had been very angry. This time it seemed like she was actually able to take a deep breath and allow herself to breathe. The three of us turned and started to walk towards the cellar doors when something unusual happened.
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| 11 or 12 years old. Check out the wallpaper! Yikes! |
There is a picture of myself around 12 years old, standing in my parents' bedroom in a blue and white striped shirt. Whenever I picture myself at that age, I see that picture. As we were walking, she and I were suddenly in that room. The strange thing is, I'm not sure if I was her, or if I was behind her, watching. It's very complicated because in my mind's eye, I tend to have an "over-the-shoulder" view of things. In memories, dreams, etc., I am watching myself. That's why it was hard to tell what was going on here.
Anyway, I watched her walk out of the room and then saw my dad standing on the landing to the stairs on the left. He was masturbating into a kitchen pot. To make things more complicated, I was aware that my other 12 year-old self was sitting downstairs in the living room, where he was directly in her line of vision. The self that I was with upstairs then stepped forward and popped him with a pin. He deflated faster than the wicked witch of the west.
After this little detour, we were all standing at the top of the cellar doors. We walked down and through the massive door, which is now always open. The first thing I noticed is that there was at least 6 inches of water on the floor. It was sloshing gently, the door that had been keeping my dad locked up swaying back and forth with the movement of the water. I walked over to it and looked inside. The sun was shining in through a window, illuminating the empty room and the air smelled incredibly fresh and clean, which he never did. It was as if though he had never been there.
I turned around and saw another door open. It was to a room I had explored in the past, and it all looked the same. The door directly to my right was closed, but it had a window. I looked in and saw my mom, lying on a cot. She wasn't asleep, but seemed to be staring off into the distance, seemingly very depressed. I left that alone, and turned the corner at the end of the hallway. I went down a few stairs yet another hallway. I entered the very first door and discovered a room full of furs! They were incredibly soft and reminded me of Char. I can only imagine that this is related to my exploration in sensuality and that the other rooms in that hall would be filled with a variety of other things directly related to specific senses.
After I felt content that I had explored enough for one visit, we all came back to my happy place.
There was a lot going on here for one session! I've never done any kind of inner work within my inner work. That was totally unexpected, and not really "guided" by me or Simone. It just came out of nowhere. Also, I couldn't help but notice that I didn't care if my dad showed up or not. I really didn't feel threatened by his presence at all. That being said, as I was writing this, it occurred to me that maybe he was gone because he was out of his REAL prison cell. I knew this was illogical, but I looked up his prison profile page anyway, just for good measure. When I saw his picture, I felt my tummy flip over. I instantly recognized the look on his face and knew that he was angry and annoyed when the picture was taken. I felt uncomfortable, but ok.
I'm always fascinated by the inner work aspect of therapy. It's amazing to me that all of this is inside my mind. But I couldn't just sit down at my computer and make it up on the spot. It really is an experience that takes place with my eyes closed. If I would have read any of this a year ago, I wouldn't believe it was written by me!!
Rachel
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