Philia

I'm just an Oprah, looking
for my Gayle.

I had an "Aha moment" today. (Don't you just love those?) I've always had trouble making friends that I really trust and feel like I can I "love". I made one good friend in high school and actually got closer to her afterwards. She was in my wedding. I went to hers and cried when I saw her in her wedding dress. Being so far away from her has really been hard, and I'll be the first to admit that I completely suck at long distance friendships. We haven't talked much, but I miss her terribly. I made a few friends in college, mostly men. I've made a few new friends here in Lafayette as well. I have another friend now that might be the Gayle to my Oprah. But something is holding me back.

I was feeling really depressed about this lately. How can I feel lonely but have friends and a husband? It doesn't really make sense and I don't feel entitled to even say that I feel that way. When I get any kind of recognition or support from my blog, I'm thrilled. But it's like a drug - the more I get, the more I want. I sometimes suspect that even if (when) I become a successful author, it will never be enough. How can I be so insecure?

Of the few people that I see often that I am developing relationships with, we don't really talk about my blog or anything related to it. They know about it, but don't act interested. Whenever I try to share my success or talk about it they either don't want to talk about it or don't know what to say. I feel like it shouldn't matter to me. I don't necessarily get all excited about their hobbies. But on the other hand, this is so much more than that. It's about the majority of years I've lived and how they affect me today. It's about how it affects my relationships with them. If they can't understand any of that, how can they fully understand me? Am I being unfair? I really do need input here.

Something else that bothers me when it comes to my relationships, is that I have trouble telling someone I love them. Romantic love is something I can really sink me teeth into, but philia, friendly or brotherly love, is something I struggle with. I'm not saying I don't care about anybody, I do! But I have trouble telling them I love them. I really put some thought into this today. Who has loved me/have I loved in the past? Family. And we all know how well that worked out. As a child, the love I knew was from a mom who couldn't stand up to her husband to protect me or my sisters, regardless of the sexual abuse. I knew a dad who would do horrible, terrible things and then say he was sorry. Until he got tired of asking forgiveness and threw inhibition to the wind. I don't think my sisters and I told each other we loved each other either. Is that weird? Do kids tell their siblings that normally? We do now, but not then. I definitively have a love/hate relationship with my mom now, so sometimes I don't even like to say it to her, but I know I'm "supposed" to.

With romantic love, I have different expectations. I'm not sure where those come from, but so far they've worked out!  I mean, I expect to have my heart broken as a teenager "in love". I told my first boyfriend I loved him. I knew I didn't. We were 15! I told my first "love" the same thing. I almost believed it. I thought I was ready to marry him at 17, but that was more running from home than anything else. He was a good person, but it wasn't true love. Then when I met Studdly Hubby. I knew. Overall, the whole thing worked out the way it was supposed to in my mind.

And the thing is...I want relationships like this.
Even if they are fictional.

But with my history of non-romantic love, it's no wonder I can't fully trust people. I can think of 3 friends that I can say I love. Although after 7 years with Studdly Hubby, I'm just now finally warming up to my in-laws and can say I love them. Well, most of them. ;-)

I'm not sure what to do to work on this one. I just know that when I see my friends together, I sometimes feel like that little girl in elementary school again who just feels different from the others. And that feels very lonely.

Rachel

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