New Territory: Part 1

For whatever reason, I have not shared many of my dreams on here, even when they seem somewhat significant. I've always been of the belief that dreams were random pons firing in your brain when you're asleep, and sometimes related to whatever was on your mind before you went to sleep. Now that I've gotten more in touch my subconscious, I no longer believe that. I don't think you can necessarily take dreams at face value. For example, if you dreamed you were kissing your ex, it doesn't necessarily mean you want to leave your husband and have sex with your ex-boyfriend. However, if you spent some time really getting to know yourself and understand a little bit about the psyche, you may be better able to understand some of these dreams.

A rotunda... similar, although much smaller in my dream.

I bring this up because I have had 3 dreams recently that were particularly interesting to me. In the first dream, I saw a young woman who had hung herself. She was hanging from a rotunda type area in a building which looked like an area where I work. She was wearing a long white dress, very old-fashioned looking. I started to climb the rungs on the wall to the right of her. I got several feet off the ground when I was suddenly filled with a sense of dread. I looked up and over my shoulder at the woman. I sensed that if I went any further, I would be in danger. I hesitated, wanting to climb further, but instead I climbed back down.

When I told this dream to Simone, she explained that sometimes the psyche takes on a protective role when an individual experiences some kind of trauma. My "actual self" had to be cut off in a sense so that she would not be harmed by the horrors of my reality. Now that I am no longer in danger, I no longer need that level of protection. But my psyche doesn't know that. So it sends me these images and roadblocks to interfere with progress, from getting too close to that area of my self that was protected. This is where many people get "stuck" in therapy and quit. 

There are several things that could be going on here for me. Although this dream came about right before I started to explore my sensuality and sexuality more, I can't help but feel there is a connection. When I was being abused, I had to completely shut down that side of myself. When I was being forced to masturbate on command, I couldn't allow myself to feel any pleasure at all. I couldn't allow my body to betray me in that way. And so I turned it to stone whenever he was near. After a few years of that, it can be difficult to completely rewire. I'm thrilled to say that I am able to orgasm so I don't think it's as bad as it could be. But I know it can be better. And my psyche may realize that I have this desire to finally let go, to finally feel everything. It may be in full alarm mode, warning me to go back before I do feel!

The second dream I had was about my biological father. My mother gave me 2 photos, one was my bio-dad, and the other I sensed was my brother (one I had never known about). The photo of bio-dad was in black and white. The man in it looked like he may have been a pilot, perhaps in the air force. I got that sense that it was from around WWII. I realize this makes no sense whatsoever, but that's the way it was. I couldn't really see the photo of my brother, I just knew that was what it was. When my mom gave me the photos, she also warned me not to seek out bio-dad because he's a member of the clergy now. Of course I was going to ignore her advice, and so I booked a flight to Florida, which is where he was living at the time. The next morning (in the dream), I woke up to a text message from my mom. She said to not oversleep because my flight was at 7:05am. I knew I had plenty of time so I got up and started getting things ready to go. Suddenly I realized it was 7:33am. I had missed my flight completely. I was devastated. Then I realized that the house I was in was on fire. I began to search for a way out and saw firemen and others outside the second floor window.

It's no secret that I want to find my biological father so it has been on my mind lately. I keep thinking I want to call the courthouse and request my adoption records, hoping for a clue. But I always "forget" until it's too late in the day to make the call. I feel like something is holding me back, although I'm not sure what. Perhaps this "forgetting" is similar to sleeping in in the dream. I had sabotaged my chance at meeting him. I don't know. It kind of makes sense though. As for the house being on fire, a house can sometimes represent your conscious. I'm still thinking about that one...

There is more to this whole story, but I think this is enough for one post. In the meanwhile, I would love to hear your opinions and dreams and their meanings! Have you ever had a dream that you felt was significant in some way?

Rachel

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