Managing PTSD

I've been thinking a lot lately about how well my PTSD has been managed now compared to a year ago. Even though I've been a little more on edge and emotional lately because I'm dealing with some new things in therapy, overall I have a sense of calm and peace that I never did before. Part of me is relieved and happy to be able to breathe deeply, and part of me is confused. It's still a new feeling when you consider most of my life was spent feeling anxious and on edge. It feels like I've let go of something, which is good, but still feels like a loss in some way. I know that doesn't make sense to someone who hasn't been there, but it's true. We all cling to what we know, even if it's unhealthy. I think that's part of what makes change so difficult.

But now I can sit in the study and do my homework. No TV, maybe some music. And everything has been done on time. Again, that may not sound like much to some, but I have been struggling with this since third or fourth grade. And now I have straight A's again. That hasn't happened since the struggle began. After this semester, if my calculations are correct, I will need to take my science class and then I will be a college graduate. Although this has been a goal for quite some time, I've never been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel...until now. 

And the thing is, I can't even offer many practical tips for managing PTSD. The "practical" advice has never worked for me. I needed to go much deeper. After a year in therapy, the changes happened organically. You can't force yourself to change. It takes time. I don't want to say I'm totally in the clear yet, but I have made so much progress.

In other news, I've been trying to come up with a name for my "happy place" because I despise calling it that. I was watching Lord of the Rings this morning. When Frodo and the rest of the Fellowship meet with the elves after surviving the Mines of Moria, they find themselves in Lothlorien. It looked almost exactly like my happy place! I actually used an image from this scene back when I started writing about it (Storybook Forest). According to "The Thain's Book", Lothlorien "was a place where time seemed to stand still, a waking dream of the ancient days of the Elves". It was a "place of great beauty and peace". The name Lothlorien means dreamflower. Unless I stumble across something better soon, I think I found a winner.

Lothlorien

Lastly, I have been working on creating a support group for women who are survivors of child sexual abuse. And it is finally official. I'm nervous, mostly that no one will show up, but excited too. I finally feel like I'm really doing something with my past to help people. If this run doesn't work out (I'm trying it for 6 weeks) I think I will try again in January, after the holidays. Please take a moment and check it out here: Support Group. Oh, and do take a moment to listen to the song there. It is so beautiful it moved me tears - not that that's saying much lately, but watch it anyway!

Rachel

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