Today is the start of something new. I have so many thoughts spinning through my head because I'm so excited!!
The past few months have been difficult for me. I've felt blunted and numb for the most part. I had the best birthday and best Christmas of my life, but other than that, I was in some kind of emotional limbo. I've worked through so much in the past year and a half and promptly found myself stuck. I was experiencing a very real "dark night of the soul". (Poem here. Background here.) I thought the new year was the perfect time to move forward, to pull myself up out of the hole I was living in and trying to crawl out of for the past several months. And, true to my nature, I expected immediate results, even though I know better that it doesn't work that way. However, I'm realizing that I have a touch of over-achiever in me (just a touch). So I pushed ahead. I kept rolling things around in my head, waiting for something to click.
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| I feel like I've taken a deep breath of fresh spring air after a long, dark winter. |
Today, something clicked. Of course it's all been happening under the surface gradually, but I was quite "feeling" it yet. In my inner work, Faye was showing up a little less frequently. Today, she and I traded places. I went to walk across the bridge to my safe place, and watched myself go form Faye's perspective. Ultimately, she is my ideal version of myself. And I'm slowly merging with her, although today's experience made this more evident. Later, I envisioned a warm bright white glow in the center of my chest. It was a feeling I had experienced strongly over a year ago. It was so pervasive then, I had two people ask me if I was pregnant. I've missed that glow so much. Now that I've had a taste of it yet again, I'm clinging to it as tightly as I can. I prayed all the way home from therapy for God to help me maintain it.
I also heard this song on the way home:
Incredible!! It says everything I'm feeling! I love life's little "coincidences" like that. I say "coincidences" in quotes because I generally do not believe in them. Another little coincidence...She wears a beautiful flowy white dress in the video just like the one Faye wears.
A few other thoughts that have come from today:
-I realized I don't need to find my biological father. I'd like to. It would be exciting and interesting. But I don't think I'm going to seek him out anymore. He's just not a necessary part of my life anymore. I don't need a father now.
-I suddenly feel like I will be more capable of love. Not that I haven't loved people up til now, but I haven't shown it well. I've been needing love and support from others so much, that I think I've just been taking. I've been sucking the love right out of people. With moving forward and finding my own happiness, I can finally give. I can be more present in my relationships. I can really relate to others on a whole new level. It doesn't always have to come back to my little world.
-If you've spent time around small children, you may have played a little game with them where they wrap their arms or hands around your ankles and you try to walk, dragging them along. I've been trudging along with my "past" and my "issues" wrapped around my ankles. Today, I am kicking off my boots. They can cling to those all they want, but I am choosing to run barefoot!
Ok 2012. I'm ready for you and the rest of my life now.
Rachel
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