After I posted about this last time, a couple people pointed out that I had found a second "safe place". However, in my mind, the new beautiful place was not considered a safe place. To completely relax like that doesn't feel safe. It requires letting my guard down completely. I touched on this a bit here, briefly describing PTSD. I don't think I'm "on guard" on a very conscious level, it's something much more automatic than that. Although I am aware of my phobia of getting drunk. That is very scary to me because it would cause me to not be in control. I did it once. I didn't understand what all the hype was about. I didn't get sick or anything like that, but I also didn't see the point of it all.
But my actual self wasn't like that. She was beautifully serene, happy and giving. She seemed to be bathed in light, as if though her inner joy was shining through her. She seemed to have no reason to put up any kind of wall, but not in a naive sort of way that would cause her to be victimized. She was just full of life and enjoying every breath of it. The very idea causes my eyes to well up with tears.
On another note, I went back to my Storybook Forest today. Not much happened, but I did realize that to get to it, I had to walk over the ridge that the cellar doors were in. This would put the basement where the monster is being kept underneath the forest. I believe this is a first step in integrating all of my "parts" into one self. There's my actual self (in the forest), there's me (consciously doing all this work), the monster, and me at different ages. I don't think all of that will happen for quite some time, but I know I will get there. :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment