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| Seriously, check this one out. |
I've been reading "The Ultimate Betrayal" by Dr. Audrey Ricker. It is about mother-daughter relationships in which the daughter has been abused by another person.
Dr. Ricker worked as a therapist, and realized that most of the women she was working with due to sexual abuse had the same mother. They all seemed to fit the same description. She shares 4 toxic parenting styles as outlined by Dr. Gopal in her upcoming book:
1. Guardian-oriented parenting style:
- Overindulgence
- Overprotection
- Infantilization
- Hypervigalance
- Pity
- Excessive Concern
- Seen in families with sick children
2. Exploitation-oriented parenting style:
- Verbal Abuse
- Physical Abuse
- Neglect
- Emotional Abuse
- Dejuvenilization
- Sexual abuse
3. Abuse-oriented parenting style:
- Difficulty showing affection to children
- Poor sense of identity
- Overprotective/neglectful
- Insecure, preoccupied, forgetful
- Boundaries struggles
- Passive, envy of child's normalcy
- Unrealistic developmental expectations
- Role reversal
- Seen in families with histories of abuse
- Parentified child
4. Victim-oriented parenting style:
- Helplessness
- Child becomes the caretaker
- Child fearful of parent hurting/killing self
- Role reversal
- Threatened by child's need for independence
- Actions of self-injury to keep child in caretaking role
- Whiny, complaining, condescending, cajoling, manipulative style
I've highlighted the bullet points that seem to apply most to my situation. I get emotional even thinking about some it...
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| Letting go... |
I know this is going to sound cruel, but she was weak. She took on a helpless victim role, which required me to step in as a parent. I've felt so responsible for my 4 little sisters. It was very difficult for me to let go when I went away to college. I still felt like I needed to help them, to save my family as they struggled with this new world without a father and an income source. But I soon realized that there was nothing I could do for them while living away from them. It took me a long time to understand how strongly I felt that maternal role, and I've mourned that loss. There was a time when she actually considered giving up one of my sisters for adoption after the divorce because they weren't getting along. She wasn't a bad kid, just hateful towards her. And she was just going to give her up. Who does that?!
Growing up, I've always believed that she was a good mother, and given the chance in an environment where she was in control and not an abusive individual, she could do more. I guess on some level, I feel like I gave her that opportunity....like I freed her from him. And she didn't take the opportunity to really step up her game, at least not enough. There was a very short window of time in which she needed to take control and become the disciplinarian. Instead, she felt like things had already been so hard for everyone that she would go easy on them. And now she's paying for it. They all are. As much as my sister's love my mom, I don't believe they respect her. She doesn't demand respect. She demands pity.
I remember her talking about how she thought about killing herself on more than one occasion. She made it very clear that she was fragile, and we all must be aware of her feelings. If something we did were to upset her, we would be scolded by my stepfather. Which was interesting since he was an expert at hurting her feelings. Even now, every time one of my sisters living at home calls me, I worry that she is having another one of her "episodes" where she talks about either just going away and not coming back, or just giving up. The whole family panics. A couple years ago, when Aaron and I decided we were moving to Lafayette, she had a total meltdown and said that I was moving away emotionally. She sank into a deep, deep depression, and I became terrified that she was going to kill herself. The only person I could get a hold of in Monroe was my Uncle Ralph. I begged him to go check on her. He did and assured me that although very depressed, she was safe.
Scenes like that make it very hard not to become resentful. Resentful of all the times I had to be the parent. I had to be the adult. I shouldn't have to be making that phone call. I shared an important life decision with her, and she felt like she didn't hear it first so she went into a tailspin. How can I share anything significant with her? It's like every little thing has to be run through a filter first to make sure it doesn't hurt her feelings. It's exhausting and gets in the way of having an authentic relationship.
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| My baby, Char |
From time to time I bring my cat to the nursing home where I work to visit the residents. I was sitting at work today, looking out the window, thinking about a spot that would be nice to bring her to when the weather gets warm again. This led to worrying about her running out into the parking lot towards the car and having a car drive up and not see her. I realize that I would run after her, putting myself in danger to protect her. The driver would be able to see me more clearly. And then I realized...I was willing to do this for an animal (whom I love dearly), but my mom wouldn't sacrifice her very small amount of comfort to protect her children. She never stepped in when my sister was being spanked. She didn't step in when terrible things were screamed in our faces. She didn't step in when I was told to drive him to the store for more beer because he was too drunk to drive himself. And yet I was willing to risk physical harm to save my cat? What is wrong with this picture? People talk about motherly love, and how mothers would do anything for their child. Are people just being poetic? Do mothers really feel that way? If so, why do so many stand by while their sons and daughters are being abused?
I realize this post has become very long, but this book has helped me realize a lot of things. It has encouraged me to take an introspective look into this relationship. I'm having a very difficult time with it, but I do feel like I'm making progress...which is important because she has her first counseling session soon...
Rachel
Wow. I read your entire post nodding my head. I can relate to this on every level. Not with my mother, but with my father. My mother was what every mother should be, and then some. The first time my father tried to put his hands on me, she left him and never looked back. She fought with every breath in her body to get his custody revoked, but it never happened. When my sister passed away at age 11, she somehow picked herself up to be the mother her two surviving daughters needed her to be. As the mother of adult children and a grandmother, she just seemed to instinctively know when to help and when to step back. She is my best friend.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, you've described my father in every sense of the word, but add in some overly dramatic rage and toddler temper tantrums. By the time I was 17, I'd already had enough. I was done. That didn't stop me from spending the last 17 years trying to figure him out, just as you're doing now. To be honest with you, it fascinated me more than anything. The psychology of him. I'd already come to terms with the fact that he probably is incapable of love, so his "pretend" love stopped hurting me emotionally pretty early on. As far as any emotional connection to him, I had none then and really don't care for one now. The "figuring him out" thing has persisted, though. I can tell you a couple things about that.
First, there are some things you will NEVER be able to understand or label or diagnose or categorize. You will try. It'll keep you up at night. But don't let it consume you. It's not worth it.
Second, you are not her. You may have her blood in your veins, but your path as a woman and possible future mother is not already painted for you. I know you did not address this, but I spent many years terrified that I would turn out to be like him.
Third, you may never get an explanation, apology, or the change in her that you are looking for. And that's okay.
Sorry for writing a book in your comments section again. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with your thoughts.
Wow. I read your entire post nodding my head. I can relate to this on every level. Not with my mother, but with my father. My mother was what every mother should be, and then some. The first time my father tried to put his hands on me, she left him and never looked back. She fought with every breath in her body to get his custody revoked, but it never happened. When my sister passed away at age 11, she somehow picked herself up to be the mother her two surviving daughters needed her to be. As the mother of adult children and a grandmother, she just seemed to instinctively know when to help and when to step back. She is my best friend.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, you've described my father in every sense of the word, but add in some overly dramatic rage and toddler temper tantrums. By the time I was 17, I'd already had enough. I was done. That didn't stop me from spending the last 17 years trying to figure him out, just as you're doing now. To be honest with you, it fascinated me more than anything. The psychology of him. I'd already come to terms with the fact that he probably is incapable of love, so his "pretend" love stopped hurting me emotionally pretty early on. As far as any emotional connection to him, I had none then and really don't care for one now. The "figuring him out" thing has persisted, though. I can tell you a couple things about that.
First, there are some things you will NEVER be able to understand or label or diagnose or categorize. You will try. It'll keep you up at night. But don't let it consume you. It's not worth it.
Second, you are not her. You may have her blood in your veins, but your path as a woman and possible future mother is not already painted for you. I know you did not address this, but I spent many years terrified that I would turn out to be like him.
Third, you may never get an explanation, apology, or the change in her that you are looking for. And that's okay.
Sorry for writing a book in your comments section again. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone with your thoughts.
Hey Aimee...Don't apologize for your comments! I appreciate the insight and feedback!
ReplyDeleteThe book did mention that even though this is usually seen in mothers, the role is sometimes reversed with the father behaving this way. I don't know how "fascinated" you still are, but I really would recommend this book. I proved A LOT of insight for me.
I appreciate you sharing what you've "figured out". I spend a lot of time worrying that I am behaving like her, and I really don't want that. And I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I haven't gotten what I want from her. I probably never will but I'm still having trouble letting go...
Thanks Aimee!!