I'm 26

I had a birthday recently. I am now 26 years old. Once it happened, I realized on was on the "other side" of 25. I'm now closer to 30 than I am to 20. I can't explain, but this birthday brought an internal shift. I finally feel like an adult as opposed to a young girl playing house. I no longer feel like a "young adult". So what's the significance of that? 

Baby fever.

Yep, it's back. There are several factors that play into that. For one, I always thought I would be done having children by the time I was 30. If you do the math: 3 kids+2 parents graduated from school+2 stable jobs-4 years=Not gonna happen in that time frame. Unless I have triplets when I'm 29. Which, given the option, I'd rather a have a couple in my 30's!!

*cozy*

Also, the weather is turning colder. I also get into a "nesting" mood this time of year. I want to make my home as pleasant and cozy as I can for us. I want home-cooked meals and weekends spent at home with Studdly Hubby. And I want a family. Speaking of which, I also feel even more secure in my relationship with Studdly Hubby's family. Not that they've ever given me reason not to, but when you learn early on that family isn't to be trusted or depended on it makes it difficult to form those bonds. But it does my heart so much good to be with them, and I know that if we had a child, it would be a beautiful addition to that family. I feel like I belong, and that's important to me. So often I feel like an alien in this world...Along the same lines as family and cool weather is the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas tie together those bonds of coziness and kids and grandparents in a big way, and I'm not immune to it. So much of the magic of Christmas is for children and I miss that. I try to create a romantic Christmas for us, to value this time we have without children, but something is missing, more so now than at the beginning of our marriage. That had a magic all its own. 

Also, I wanted to go to Disney World before we had children. So we did. We both want to be done with school. I should be done in Spring. It's not lost on me that if I were to get pregnant now, I would be a college graduate by the time baby was here. Although Aaron will be done in a year and a half. That's really close! Should I start taking pre-natal vitamins now? Should we start saving for a baby now? Should I talk to my ob-gyn about what I need to start doing to be as healthy as possible before we get pregnant? Maybe if I could be doing some of these things now, it would make the wait easier. It would give it a different meaning. The other major thing we are waiting for is for Studdly Hubby to get a good secure job. That can't happen until he graduates, and even then we don't really know how soon it will happen. We've got our hopes up about some things, so we'll see how all that goes. 

Anyway, that's where I am right now. I feel calm, peaceful and ready. 

Rachel

DINKS?

I've had a couple things buzzing around my brain lately. School is obviously one of them. I'm getting myself geared up for this crazy semester and enjoying my last few moments of freedom before they are eaten up by homework/studying/research.  The second is babies.

Normally when I bring up babies it's because I'm longing to start a family of my own. But I have a lot of concerns in doing so. When you look at the statistics of child sexual abuse, the perpetrator is almost always someone close to the family, or someone trusted. This point is even more exaggerated by the fact that Aaron's dad is currently serving time for being a pedophile. So what are you supposed to do? You can't go through life not trusting anyone. You can't keep your child strapped to your hip 24/7/365. The thought of something happening to my child terrifies me - and he/she doesn't even exist. 

Aaron made the comment that I can't let that fear rule my life, and he's right, but I can't shake it. For me, it feels like a huge risk to bring a child into this life when I know how damaging a traumatic experience can be. I've had more than one person tell me it's "worth the risk", but for me, that kind of comment belittles my experience. When you've been through what I've been through, you can decide if it's worth the risk.

They made it work.

So I did what I always do when I'm facing a decision or new idea. I research it. I started looking into the intentionally child-free lifestyle, which includes individuals and couples who have chosen, for a variety of reasons, to not have children or adopt. There are a lot of good reasons that people choose this and there are a lot of perks that come with it. I've been trying to imagine my life without children. Aaron and I would be what is known as DINKs - Double Income No Kids. We could settle down in a nicer smaller house than I originally dreamed. We could travel as much as we wanted to. We could pick everything up and move across the country without worrying about the affect it would have on children. We would have more time and attention for each other. We could have nicer cars and nicer things.

On the other hand, the fantasy feels lonely. Although having children to heal loneliness doesn't seem fair either. But "things" can't replace a child. I just don't know that I could ever be happy in giving up a family. I've been trying to ask myself why I want children. I can't come up with a good reason. Honestly, I can't come up with a good reason for anyone to start a family. Most of us feel the need to because it's a natural urge, but now that our planet doesn't require us to populate it, I think we have the luxury to stop and really think about whether or not its the best decision for each person/couple. I think Aaron and I would make great parents. I think I have a strong maternal instinct and a fairly good intuition about people, and Aaron even more so. If a child were to come into our life, we would accept it and love it with all we have. I'm just not sure at this point if I want to seek that child out. 

Maybe this is a phase I'm going through. Maybe in a few years when Aaron is out of school and we both have jobs and the idea of starting a family is an immediate possibility I'll feel different. Heck, I might feel different in a month. Or maybe not. I don't know. But I feel like it was important to share this, because I know there are other survivors out there that feel the same way.

It's how I feel. You don't have to agree or disagree. Just try to understand.

Rachel

Babies

I want a baby. I really want a baby. Every month, right before my period, I investigate every little ache, pain and symptom and hope it's a sign that I'm pregnant, even though I'm on the pill. When I get that PMS bloat, I imagine how it would feel to have a baby expanding my belly.

So what am I waiting for? Simple- Aaron has to graduate and get a job. It's easy to say that there is never enough money for a baby, and while I understand that, I think we both desire a certain lifestyle for our family. Aaron was well taken care of in his childhood, and I know he wants to do the same for his children by providing for their physical needs, i.e. a comfortable home, healthy food, health insurance, clothing, etc., but also other needs such as a good education. I, on the other hand, went without a lot of things, so I want to be sure that doesn't happen to my children. Children shouldn't have to worry about money. I believe it's important to teach them how to handle it, but they shouldn't be wondering if the bills are going to be paid.

Logically, I am 100% on board with this decision. However, my heart doesn't listen to logic. This past month, I missed a birth control pill. I was feeling nauseous the week before my period and had some other symptoms as well. I thought I had to be pregnant. I really hoped anyway. I even went so far as to figure what my due date would be.

Yesterday, my period came. I couldn't help but feel crushed and disappointed. There were definitely tears. I can't win in this situation. If things go according to plan and I'm not pregnant for next 3 years, then I'm disappointed. If I were to conceive, then we would be in a world of trouble and I would completely panic. 

But WHY do I want a baby so bad? I think there are several things at play here. First, it is the holidays. This time of year there is a lot of focus on family, traditions, children and of course, Mary's pregnancy and Jesus' birth. The whole season is centered around a baby. The commercials with the perfect families don't help either, particularly "daddy centered" ones. Christmas makes me feel like our little family is missing something.

Secondly, there is this obsession with Bio Dad. I desire a father figure, but do not look for that in a romantic partner. I don't expect Aaron to fill this need. It's not his place. On the other hand, I'm anxious to see him father our children. I want him to have a close relationship with them, and be very involved in their lives. I know he'll be an awesome dad and I can't wait to be proven right!

Third, I'm starting to get the hang of sex, FINALLY. This is something that I really wanted to deal with before  putting my vagina through the trauma of childbirth! If I'm already having trouble, I can only imagine that would compound the problem if it hasn't been dealt with. I don't think we've crossed the finish line yet, but I do think we are quickly approaching it!

Also, I'm 25 years old, healthy, and happily married. I think it's normal to at least start to hear the clock ticking. I'll also have health insurance available at my new job, and this was another thing that was necessary to me before having a baby. 

I think continuing my inner child work may help me with this as well. I have this little girl inside me who is crying out because her needs were not met. Perhaps, on some level, I long for a child of my own so that I can fulfill their needs in a way I was not able to do for myself. I don't think it's fair to a child to treat them as a clone of me, as they are their own person, with their own needs.

Finally, pregnancy is an epidemic! When Aaron and I got married, everyone was getting married. Now, a lot of those people are having babies. I've met new people through work who are now having babies. Please don't misinterpret this - I am ridiculously happy for them all! I thrive on the details and want to know every little detail so I can live vicariously through them! But I can't help feeling a terrible longing for a child of my own every time there is another pregnancy announcement. I have oodles of cousins (most of which are older than I) that have their families now. I've gotten to so many baby showers in my life (it's a big family) and always dreamed of the day it would be my turn. 

I want to join the Mommy Club!

Please don't think I'm crazy after reading this. But please tell me there is someone out there who feels the same way!!