New Territory: Part 1

For whatever reason, I have not shared many of my dreams on here, even when they seem somewhat significant. I've always been of the belief that dreams were random pons firing in your brain when you're asleep, and sometimes related to whatever was on your mind before you went to sleep. Now that I've gotten more in touch my subconscious, I no longer believe that. I don't think you can necessarily take dreams at face value. For example, if you dreamed you were kissing your ex, it doesn't necessarily mean you want to leave your husband and have sex with your ex-boyfriend. However, if you spent some time really getting to know yourself and understand a little bit about the psyche, you may be better able to understand some of these dreams.

A rotunda... similar, although much smaller in my dream.

I bring this up because I have had 3 dreams recently that were particularly interesting to me. In the first dream, I saw a young woman who had hung herself. She was hanging from a rotunda type area in a building which looked like an area where I work. She was wearing a long white dress, very old-fashioned looking. I started to climb the rungs on the wall to the right of her. I got several feet off the ground when I was suddenly filled with a sense of dread. I looked up and over my shoulder at the woman. I sensed that if I went any further, I would be in danger. I hesitated, wanting to climb further, but instead I climbed back down.

When I told this dream to Simone, she explained that sometimes the psyche takes on a protective role when an individual experiences some kind of trauma. My "actual self" had to be cut off in a sense so that she would not be harmed by the horrors of my reality. Now that I am no longer in danger, I no longer need that level of protection. But my psyche doesn't know that. So it sends me these images and roadblocks to interfere with progress, from getting too close to that area of my self that was protected. This is where many people get "stuck" in therapy and quit. 

There are several things that could be going on here for me. Although this dream came about right before I started to explore my sensuality and sexuality more, I can't help but feel there is a connection. When I was being abused, I had to completely shut down that side of myself. When I was being forced to masturbate on command, I couldn't allow myself to feel any pleasure at all. I couldn't allow my body to betray me in that way. And so I turned it to stone whenever he was near. After a few years of that, it can be difficult to completely rewire. I'm thrilled to say that I am able to orgasm so I don't think it's as bad as it could be. But I know it can be better. And my psyche may realize that I have this desire to finally let go, to finally feel everything. It may be in full alarm mode, warning me to go back before I do feel!

The second dream I had was about my biological father. My mother gave me 2 photos, one was my bio-dad, and the other I sensed was my brother (one I had never known about). The photo of bio-dad was in black and white. The man in it looked like he may have been a pilot, perhaps in the air force. I got that sense that it was from around WWII. I realize this makes no sense whatsoever, but that's the way it was. I couldn't really see the photo of my brother, I just knew that was what it was. When my mom gave me the photos, she also warned me not to seek out bio-dad because he's a member of the clergy now. Of course I was going to ignore her advice, and so I booked a flight to Florida, which is where he was living at the time. The next morning (in the dream), I woke up to a text message from my mom. She said to not oversleep because my flight was at 7:05am. I knew I had plenty of time so I got up and started getting things ready to go. Suddenly I realized it was 7:33am. I had missed my flight completely. I was devastated. Then I realized that the house I was in was on fire. I began to search for a way out and saw firemen and others outside the second floor window.

It's no secret that I want to find my biological father so it has been on my mind lately. I keep thinking I want to call the courthouse and request my adoption records, hoping for a clue. But I always "forget" until it's too late in the day to make the call. I feel like something is holding me back, although I'm not sure what. Perhaps this "forgetting" is similar to sleeping in in the dream. I had sabotaged my chance at meeting him. I don't know. It kind of makes sense though. As for the house being on fire, a house can sometimes represent your conscious. I'm still thinking about that one...

There is more to this whole story, but I think this is enough for one post. In the meanwhile, I would love to hear your opinions and dreams and their meanings! Have you ever had a dream that you felt was significant in some way?

Rachel

Sensuality

Before I really get into things here, I think it is important to define what I mean when I talk about being "sensual". When you first hear the word, what do you think of? Is it sex? It usually is for me. And although it's not entirely unrelated, I'm talking about a more thorough exploration of the senses in general, which, in theory, should make sex more fulfilling as well. I tried to look up some definitions, and they some of them made it seem hedonistic and bad. That's not what this is about.

As someone recovering from PTSD, I can tell you I often go through the day not feeling much of the physical world. I don't notice how my clothes feel on my skin. I don't smell the air when there is nothing noticeable or overwhelming there. I don't see all the beautiful colors in the world around me. I spend more time focusing on what is in my head. I think about my fears and insecurities. I think about my blog. I think about my relationships. I spend so much time thinking that I forget to feel. 

A couple weeks ago, I decided this was something that I could work on now. Since then, I've talked to my therapist about it. I told her that I feel like there is some kind of "block" regarding my sexuality and sensuality. When she asked me to describe it, I struggled, but eventually I was reminded of my Tai Chi class at Concordia. The instructor, Sang, taught us about "chi", and energy that is flowing through all of us that sometimes does become blocked. He taught us how to actually feel this energy force between our hands. He was able to tell me when my chi was blocked, and went it began to flow I again, I could physically feel the change, sometimes even becoming lightheaded from the sudden rush. Sharing this with Simone, my therapist, led to a discussion about chakras, which are centers of energy in the body. 

Since then, I have been meeting with my inner self nightly, asking her to heal the chakras that require it. The first week, I didn't notice any kind of change at all, which could be partly due to the fact that I was so distracted by my flirtations with Studdly Hubby. But this past week has been different. For the last four days, I have spent as much free time as possible out on my balcony.

Since discovering my "happy place", I have felt more in touch with nature than I ever have before in my life. When I was sitting outside, the sun was shining, and there was a delicious summer breeze. I watched the large tree in front of me. The leaves fluttered, the branches swayed, giving to the wind so that they didn't break off. When the wind was stronger, the top part of the tree trunk swayed as well, but the base removed strong. It seemed like a beautiful metaphor for the human spirit. 

A quiet evening at home. Me, Carl Jung and
one of my cats, Char.

I basked in the feel of the sun on my skin. I sipped from my glass of wine, enjoying the flavor. I ate from a vegetable tray, tasting the array of flavors and textures. I loved the creamy ranch dip combined with the snap of the snap peas. I popped the cherry tomatoes in my mouth, letting it burst, juice exploding. Mmm...I'm able to taste it all again just thinking about it!

Since then, I keep going outside again. It seems to be the best place for me to begin exploring my senses. It is a happy place in the real, physical world. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I actually turned down a social invitation from a friend in favor of spending the evening on my balcony. 

Today, I savored every bite from a fruit tray. I paid attention to the amount of pressure necessary to lick the juices from my fingers, to lick the cream cheese vanilla dip off. I'm fascinated by the new world that's been opened up to me, but at the same time, was there all along.

But now I'm curious. How do others experience life? Do you pay attention to your senses at this level? Are you often too wrapped up in the day-to-day busyness of life to notice anything else? I want to know!

Rachel

Another Sex Post

I haven't posted anything recently dealing with Vaginismus because things have been going alright in the department. There are still some times when it can be a struggle, but overall, it is still an improvement from a year ago. That being said, there are still other problems. Vaginismus technically refers to the inability to relax the vaginal muscles to allow painless penetration. But depending on the cause, there is likely to be other issues as well.

For example, I tend to rush through foreplay. In the back of my mind, penetration is the goal, partly because that was the case in overcoming Vaginismus. However, that can exacerbate the issue because then I am not aroused enough. Honestly, you know its a problem when your husband thinks there isn't enough foreplay! But I was talking to Simone today, and realized something. All of the years I was being abused, there was never any penetration or oral sex. And now, those are the things I focus on. They are new and exclusive to Aaron. There was a time when those two things were my greatest fear, but I've been able to work past that. But any other kind of touching comes with more baggage. 

With Aaron being in Colorado for most of the summer, it gives us the opportunity to talk about these sorts of things without any perceived pressure to have sex. We can both share how we feel about the current status about of our life, and where we see it going. The good news is, we have the same goals. 

Now that I've worked through a few major issues, I'm able to focus on this one. I'm just incredibly blessed to have a husband who has been so patient over the last 4 years. Sexual intimacy isn't the most important part of a marriage, but it is a major part of it. To him I say...

Rachel

Jesus and E.T.

Last Friday night I had some more drama with my family. I'm not going to go into all the details here, but I will say I was feeling particularly in need of comfort. Studdly Hubby was there for me, but I needed some extra nurturing. So I headed to the tub for a bubble bath. I put on some music and lit some candles to help me relax.

I wanted to do some "Inner Work" -  to go to a place of healing and beauty. It took me a while to get to my "happy place". My mind kept wandering from one thing to another, but eventually, I stepped into that familiar landscape.

The first thing I noticed was how I looked. Everything was normal, except for a light shining through my chest. The best way I can think to describe is going to sound a bit blasphemous, so bear with me. Have you ever seen that painting of Jesus where his heart is shining through his robes? No? Here's the one I'm talking about:

Now, do you remember the end of Steven Spielberg's "E.T" when E.T.'s heart starts to glow? Here's a reminder:

I think you see where I'm going with this. Combine the two, and you'll get an idea of what I was seeing. I felt like my heart was glowing through my chest, like it's only protection was tissue paper thin. It felt exposed, but very alive. I looked up, and my "actual self" was standing in her usual place, beckoning me to come closer. Her heart was glowing and exposed as well. 

We embraced, heart to heart. She reassured me that it was ok for my heart to feel like that. After years of numbing myself physically and emotionally, it was time for my heart to come back to life! 

Maybe that's why I've been especially emotional lately. I'm opening my heart and it's allowing me to feel on a whole new level. I feel like I'm PMSing all the time, minus the agitation. I cried during a cat food commercial, I cried when Lauren sand a song to her mother on American Idol, I cried when I read an article about the deadly tornado in Missouri and I cried when Rachel and Curt got to sing on a Broadway stage on Glee. Today, I felt like our typical little jokes were just a little funnier. I felt a little more light hearted and silly. And don't tell anyone, but I even enjoyed sex a little more! 

Could this be the start of yet another chapter in my healing journey? Or was it that extra cup of coffee I had this morning? Time will tell!

Rachel

Our Honeymoon

3 years, 8 months and 1 day from our wedding, Studdly Hubby and I finally departed on our honeymoon. It was my first vacation since I was a teenager (not counting visiting family). We had been talking about going to Disney World for a couple years, and finally decided to use our piddly little savings and tax return to make it happen. And let me tell you, even if we have to eat Ramen noodles for the next 2 months, it was totally worth it.

We flew out on Tuesday night after I got off work. It was my first flight and I was really nervous. My boss in activities suggested I swallow a lot during take-off and the landing to prevent my ears from popping. I tried but my mouth was so dry from my nerves that I couldn't do it! Once the plane started, I grabbed Aaron's hand and closed my eyes. I used some skills I had learned in therapy to calm myself down and managed to make it into the sky with much less anxiety than I would have experienced otherwise.

After we landed, we hunted down a taxi van that was also shuttling a man and a group of 3 women. The man was dropped off first at a gorgeous, probably 5 star, hotel. I jokingly started to follow him out of the van and told Aaron I'd see him in the morning! After he had his luggage, we were one our way. We pulled up at another beautiful hotel, and Aaron said "Is this one ours?" I laughed and told him it was not. Ours was $50 on Priceline. The three women got out and we drove on, passing other beautiful hotels. We held our breath, waiting to see where ours was and what it looked like. Finally, we pulled into a parking lot shared by Country Inn and Suites and several other restaurants and stores, including the one right in front of the hotel - Kabob and Curry. After the big 4/5 star hotels, the difference really tickled me. But the hotel was clean and the staff was friendly. They had a good free breakfast as well as a free shuttle to Disney (that was an adventure of it's own, by the way). But the best part of all, was the jacuzzi. That's right. I upgraded our room to a jacuzzi suite. It was normally $30 a night, but I used my super negotiating skills to get it for $15. I was worth every penny.

The next day, we were off to our ultimate destination. Disney World truly is as magical as the commercials claim, particularly the Magic Kingdom. There was a show right in front of Cinderella's Castle right after we entered the park. We missed the beginning, but we did see that it featured Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald, Maleficent, Hook, Peter Pan and more. I got so swept up by the whole thing that I actually got a bit teary-eyed. The fact that I was PMSing led to my emotions being close to the surface and I could not hold it back! It was a perfect start to an amazing day. We went to the Hall of Presidents, rode Aladdin's Magic Carpet, the Jungle Cruise, It's a Small World (never again!), Pirates of the Caribbean and on and on. 

Here's a link to the photos!

But the most significant part for me was that night. I've written about our wedding night before. It was a shamble and probably one of the biggest disappointments of my life. I've been working on healing vaginismus since then, and have made progress, but our wedding night still hung over my head. On some level (not a logical one), I felt some guilt about it. It was my issues and my history that was preventing my husband and I from enjoying a normal healthy sex life, from having intercourse as newlyweds. But the night after the Magic Kingdom, I reflected on our first attempt as we had sex. I mentally and emotionally re-wrote that  failed attempt. I allowed this time to truly be our honeymoon and finally let go of the previous. I've come far enough now that I no longer feel guilt. I'm still momentarily frustrated when things don't go as well as I would like, but we've come so far and have finally had the honeymoon we needed.

The next two days we went to Animal Kingdom and Epcot. Animal Kingdom was a let-down for me, but still nice. I guess I expected more animals or more animal interaction. It felt a bit like a really amazing zoo that didn't have enough animals. Epcot, on the hand, was amazing. We got there at open and stayed through the fireworks show and barely had time to see it all. We didn't even have time to go on some of the rides we wanted to!

On Saturday, we rented a car and started the long drive home. While we would have liked to have flown back, tickets were over $300/person, so that made the choice for us. This cut off a day that we could have gone to Hollywood Studios, but I'd never seen anything south of Indy, so this was a great opportunity to see some more of the good old US of A. We stayed overnight near Chattanooga and finished the drive on Sunday. We got home that night, unpacked and collapsed on our bed. Monday morning was back to work and school.

Rachel

MDMA: A Miracle Cure for PTSD?

I have a bad habit of subscribing to magazines and then letting them pile up on my coffee table. As part of my seemingly never-ending spring cleaning, I've been going through them, reading the better ones and scanning the others for pictures for my dream board.  I got my Oprah Magazine and expected it be one of the better ones, chock full of inspiration and intriguing stories. Unfortunately, this one wasn't doing it for me, that is, until I came across an article almost at the end entitled "Can a Single Pill Change Your Life?"

Apparently, there have been some therapists utilizing the active ingredient in the drug Ecstasy, MDMA, to help treat post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I had not heard of any drugs being available for it so I dove in. A small study was done in Charleston, South Carolina in which 20 individuals with diagnoses of PTSD were given the drug during 2 to 3 therapy sessions. In the end, 17 of them were cleared of the diagnosis. This results seemed significant enough to require further investigation. 

From the article:

                  "With MDMA, you not only see your fear but trust yourself to go past it," says Marcela Ot'alora, 52, a Colorado therapist who took MDMA under a psychologist's care in 1984 to treat PTSD stemming from an abusive relationship. "It shows you how to be kinder to yourself, and how much you're capable of. It allows you access to a place in your mind that's compassionate and full of love. You might have abandoned that place, but it never abandoned you."      

That last part was especially interesting to me as it is my ultimate goal in therapy - to become a better, kind person. To find a place within myself that is good. A place that was abandoned as a child because I had to be protective and cautious, rather than giving love and being vulnerable.

From Oprah.com by Dan Saelinger

So what's the deal? Is MDMA safe? How does it work? Is it really a magic pill?

From what I understand, the drug is taken during a therapy session that last about 8 hours. During that time, clients totally relax and mentally revisit the trauma they experienced. They are able to face their abusers in a way that their psyches normally would not, well, at least not in their first session. Dr. Mithoefer, the physician who ran the study, claims that MDMA acts as a catalyst for internal healing. (For more examples and a more thorough explanation, read the original article here).

Obviously, there are risks involved, as there are with any kind of drug. Those that take it experience an increase in heart rate and blood pressure, as well as a decreased efficiency in the way the heart pumps. It can cause sweating, tremors and hallucinations. 

So what is the alternative for those of us suffering from post traumatic stress disorder if we don't want to subject ourselves to questionable drugs with dangerous side effects? Traditional therapy works, and even has its advantages.

While traditional therapy takes longer than 3 sessions, part of that requires a certain amount of personal commitment and work. Following through with that can lead to greater self esteem and pride. Often times, a part of that therapy is find a place within yourself, where you are able to center yourself and find inner peace, not dissimilar to what is experienced while under the influence of the drug. 

But there is a benefit to doing this "sober". A time will inevitably come when something will trigger a survivor who has already gone through a significant healing process. Or maybe something unpleasant will come up in life, as it always does. Something that tries your patience or frightens you. If you relied on the drug in the past to "heal", where will you turn when it is no longer available? If instead, you took the time to learn the necessary skills to heal and know you have a sense of peace within yourself that you can access, then you can do just that if the situation calls for it. To me, this has been one of the great outcomes of therapy so far. It's something I even use when I'm having a difficult time with Vaginismus. I use it when I'm panicking about paying the bills or feel some social anxiety creeping up on me. It's truly been life changing and I hope I never lose touch with it.

Some experts suggest that the current uses of MDMA may lead to finding a way to tone it down for safer therapeutic use. Until then, it is being accessed by therapists that utilize it on a, shall we say, less than legal basis. Personally, this is not something I would seek out at this time, but we will see what the future holds in research.

Rachel

2011: Goals and Expectations

O boy. Where to begin?!

First off, I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions. They're made to be broken. That being said, these are NOT resolutions. They are overall goals for the year. That means if I fail miserably in January, I'll just get back on it in February. If I don't reach my goal by July, well then I'll still have 6 more months to get it right.

Also, they are a good mix of high and low priority goals, just to keep things interesting. :-)

Because I love lists, here are my goals, list style:

 #1: Find peace in my relationship with my immediate family members. This doesn't mean we will all be holding hands singing about love and butterflies by next Christmas, but rather I will be satisfied that I have done my part and I will be able to accept them as they are.

 #2: Find a good skincare routine, and not for my face! Last year, thanks to Avon, I was able to find a skincare regimen for my face and my skin has never been the same (in a good way!). However, it always stopped at my neck, but the rest of my skin is desperate for moisture as well, thanks in part to my fondness for scalding hot showers and bubble baths.

 #3: Become a better student. That's a whole other post that I've been putting off, so I will save that for another day.

 #4: Be a better wife to Studdly Hubby. I'm not saying I'm a total failure, but I think there is always room for improvement in any marriage. THEREFORE, I will be more aware of his specific needs, be a little less selfish (ok, maybe a lot more less), and continuing to work on Vaginismus. I think both of us will be happier.

 #5: Find a more nutritional, affordable diet. Aaron and I both need more fruits and veggies in our diet. I'm hoping that with a little time and effort I can find a way to make this happen. Personally, I could live off of fruit trays, but that can get a little expensive! Part 2 of this requires eating out less, but...one thing at a time. :-P

 #6: Manage our money better. This includes creating a realistic budget and sticking to it while saving money.

 #7: Be a better housekeeper! SERIOUSLY! I enjoy my home much more when it is clean and clutter-free. Honestly, I can do better.

 #8: Learn to do one thing at a time. Without distraction. I know it doesn't sound like much to the average person, but trust me, this would be a whole new level of calm in my life.

 #9: Go back to church. This was my resolution last year as well, and it didn't work out so well. I went a few times, but never made it a habit. This is something that has to change. Part 2 of this one would be to remember to pray. I don't do it nearly often enough.

#10: Number 10 is leaving room to grow. I don't know how therapy is going to go, but I'm promising myself that I will stay open minded and willing to grow and learn. I also promise to forgive myself for not completely numbers 1-9 perfectly but I will try.

Ready to write this chapter of my life!

So there you have it. I am feeling very excited to start the new year fresh. I went grocery shopping tonight and bought healthier foods. I cleaned the apartment. I've reevaluated our budget and come up with a plan to help me stick to it. I'm getting things ready for next semester. I bought our "Love Languages Jars". I still have a couple other things to get aligned, but I'll get to them.

What about you? What are your goals for 2011? Do you have any tips that go with any of these 10? I would love to hear them!

Rachel

I'm Getting the Hang of This!

As I've mentioned before, I've been really trying to work on healing in a more balanced way. Before I would work on dealing with emotions one week, vaginismus work another week, and so on and so forth. The only problem with this is that all the different "layers", as I like to call them, are interconnected. Now that I'm taking a different approach, I'm able to work on things more consistently. Because of this, my vaginismus progress has been coming along very nicely!

Last weekend, I decided that I wanted to try penetration again. I prepared by using my dilator when I took a shower that morning. This time I used it while standing up, which actually felt like a small achievement for me.  When I first started using tampons, I had to actually lay on the floor to be able to insert one. It took a while, but eventually I was able to insert one standing up, which is especially help should I need to deal with it at work, a public restroom, etc. So I think by being able to insert the dilator by standing up, it is a sign that I am becoming more comfortable with the whole thing.

Later that night, when Aaron started to enter me, I initially fell back into my old habits. I made it very mechanical, focusing on my end goal of trying to relax my muscles enough to allow him in. Since that is the only thing I had been doing for the past three years, it's pretty obvious that it doesn't work so well. I realized this fairly quickly, and tried using what worked so well last time. I closed my eyes and went to my happy place. I sensed light coming from the lamp on my night stand and thought about the feel of the sun on my face. I relaxed quickly and the rest went well. So well, in fact, that we had a repeat performance the next night!

We don't usually do much during the week. Aaron is exhausted from school, we both have homework and other things to deal with. So weekends are when we really relax. Yesterday, we were able to have intercourse yet again!

Pure Romance's "Just Like Me" is THE BEST  we've used!

Normally, we use a healthy does of personal lubricant to help things along. One time, a couple years ago, I was really "revved up" and managed to do without. This hasn't happened again - until last night. I was really "revved up" again, and Aaron went ahead and started to enter me. Normally, I am very in control, and guiding him manually. This time I pretty much let him do it all. It was a little uncomfortable at first, because I was a bit startled, but then I was able to relax. And THEN, we were able to switch positions several times! While this may not seem significant to someone, I'm usually too afraid that he is going to slip out of me and we'll have to start all over again, so we stay in one position the whole time. Being able to move around some more was very exciting! I feel a bit like a newlywed in that I'm so ecstatic that we're having sex! ;-)

I predict Happy Holidays are ahead. ;-)

The Virgin Bride

Throughout my life, I had been taught the virtues of abstinence. I was taught that sex outside of marriage is wrong. I still believe this for many reasons. I was fortunate enough to fall in love with a man who felt the same way. So it was without any great discussion that we decided to wait until our wedding night for sexual intercourse. 

Several months before the wedding, I realized there was a problem. I was still unable to use a tampon. I had certainly tried, but to no avail. I mentioned this to my mom and she reassured me that she did not use tampons until after she was married. This didn't really make me feel much better because I knew plenty of other young women who were still virgins and happily using tampons. If I couldn't insert a tampon, how difficult was sex going to be?  Eventually, I had to go to Planned Parenthood to get some birth control. I was terrified of the gynecological exam. The nurse said since I was not yet sexually active and I was young there was no reason to go forward with one. 

As the wedding crept closer, I became more and more concerned. I voiced my concerns to my mom yet again, and she advised me to relax, and that it would not be as bad as some make it out to be. I spoke to a couple other individuals who said there is a slight pinch your first time, but not much more. I tried to take all this to heart, but I knew something wasn't right.

July 14, 2007 rolled around quickly. It was a perfect day. Just a short sprinkle of rain for good luck and the sun came back out. There was a little confusion related to lighting the candles during the ceremony, but the rest of the day went off without a hitch. When we finally made it to the hotel room, we were beat, but not quite ready to sleep. We took a hot bath to relax before we made our way to the bed. 

Several minutes in (hey, we were newlyweds!), Aaron attempted penetration. Nothing seemed to be happening so he pushed a little harder. All I could feel was pain and pressure. We tried several more times, ending frustrated and confused. Neither one of us got much sleep and even tried it again at different times throughout the night. I tried bracing myself against the nightstand with my foot, but it was no good. Nothing seemed to work. 

The next day we returned his tuxedo to the mall and went home. The maid of honor and best man brought over our presents and stayed for a dinner of frozen lasagna. After they left, I got online and talked to a couple friends about our problem. One women suggested we wait until I'm more fully aroused. Another person went to the internet. He found something called "Vaginismus" and suggested I look it up. It sounded a lot like my situation. Here is the definition according to wikipedia.com: 

"Vaginismus, sometimes anglicized vaginism is the German name for a condition which affects a woman's ability to engage in any form of vaginal penetration, including sexual intercourse, insertion of tampons, and the penetration involved in gynecological examinations. This is the result of a conditioned reflex of the pubococcygeus muscle, which is sometimes referred to as the "PC muscle". The reflex causes the muscles in the vagina to tense suddenly, which makes any kind of vaginal penetration—including sexual intercourse—painful or impossible. A vaginismic woman does not consciously control the spasm."

The next day we both went to see a gynecologist, who was thankfully very kind and sympathetic. She confirmed that I did indeed have Vaginismus. Aaron and I started seeing the school counselor on a regular basis and bought the books available at www.vaginismus.com, and excellent source for anyone who wants to know more or recover from the condition.

 I had to learn to relax my muscles to allow penetration and practiced penetration with vaginal dilators. This started on such a small level. I began by inserting a Q-Tip. After doing this several times, I tried using a small tampon again. This took several tries, but I was eventually able to get it. It was such a relief! After 3 agonizing months of practice, we were finally able to achieve penile penetration. I was so relieved and ecstatic!! The moment we had been waiting for for so long had finally come. We still had difficult times after that, but we knew it was too be expected.

Three years later, sex is still a struggle. There is still a lot of pain, at least during the initial penetration. Often times, I bleed as if though it is my first time. This is one of the issues I am working on in therapy. I've had to start all over again. This means using some new techniques and going back to using dilators while placing a moratorium on sex.  I'm making a lot of progress, but trying very hard to take it slow. With something like this, failure can really set me back. It's a "3 steps forward, 2 steps back" kind of thing.

This problem is very easily traced back to the abuse I endured. With everything that happened, he had never penetrated me in any way. This was the "final frontier", so to speak. It was the only left that I had control of, and I was subconsciously holding on to that control for all it was worth. When my step-dad had his hands in my underwear, with his fingers between my labia, I turned my body to stone so that I wouldn't feel. I clenched my vaginal muscles as hard as possible to protect myself. He claimed he would never go beyond that, but he had also said the abuse would stop over, and over, and over again. I wasn't about to take ANY chances. 

Even though I know I'm safe now, I'm still clinging to that control. It has been ingrained into my mind and body that my muscles need to be tight when there is any kind of sexual contact. 

My heart breaks when I think about the honeymoon my husband and I were robbed of.  Our first year of marriage was nothing like we dreamed it would be in many ways. We continue to hope that this problem will be resolved and we can have some fun instead of sex being something we feel like we should want to do. We can't go back in time, but we can work towards a better future!