The Graduate

I'll post more later, but I wanted to share!!

You're Not Gonna Believe This One

Today I, Rachel Faye Driver, found out that I made the Dean's List for the summer semester. No, really! You can find me on the official list here. This was so out the realm of my imagination that it was not even on my radar.

For those of you that have been following along on here, you know that this is a far cry from where I was a year or so ago. I was lucky to even pass a class back then. I have come so far that I actually made the Dean's List! As our vice president would say, "This is a big f***ing deal."

And even bigger deal is the fact that I finish my Statistics course on Friday. And that's it. I'll be done. I am so looking forward to celebrating at my party on Sunday! I don't think everyone there will fully appreciate it's significance, but that's ok. It's not about them. ;-)

This was something I just really need to share with everyone who has supported me and cheered me on in the past few years. It's been a long road, but I'm almost to the end. And I'm in a ridiculously good place right now! Life isn't perfect, but damn if it isn't looking UP! :-D

-Rachel

Academic Update

If only it were that simple!

Well, the semester is over. I finished 15 credits while working full-time and I survived! The bad news is, I didn't get the C I needed in my math class, so I will have to take math this summer. I'm not going to lie. I was in tears this morning when I found out, but it's not the end of the world. The good news is, I was already planning on taking two classes this summer anyway, so I'm not behind. Even more good news: They are 8 week classes! That's right ladies and gentlemen - I only have to make it through 8 more weeks of school and I will be a college graduate. (Please hold the applause until I get there!)

In the meanwhile, I have a month off from school. Is it sad that I already feel lost? Studdly Hubby and I are looking at each other in amazement that we have all this freedom! After a certain point, you get used to scheduling your weekends around homework and studying. It's really strange not to have to do that. I can't wait until I'm completely done and that becomes my new reality! It's unfortunate that Aaron will still have one more year of school, although I'll be able to do more housework, cooking, etc. so he'll have a little more free time outside of school work. That's the plan anyway. 

I just want to say thank you again to everyone that's been so supportive of me and praying for me through finals. Your encouragement helps keep me going!

-Rachel

On Perseverance...

I'm feeling proud of myself right now, and I really feel like sharing it. Doing my senior project (and getting an A, I might add) has felt like a major milestone for me. At Concordia, it's something every senior is required to do before graduating. It took me longer to get there, but I did it!

I've felt a lot of shame related to school in the past. And that's not completely gone. I'm still somewhat embarrassed by how long it's taken me and all the failure along the way. 

But I haven't given up.

Getting closer to the light at the end of the tunnel!

I've been really frustrated this semester by the back and forth of my anticipated graduation date. I feel like I finally, FINALLY have a grasp on things and have PTSD under control enough to succeed in school. That feels like a major accomplishment all on its own. So I may more ready than ever to be able to say that I am a college graduate. At this point, it looks like I'll be done at the end of this coming summer (I need a total of 20 more credits). I now have the confidence to say that I will be able to succeed. 

But I'm getting off track here. The point is, I have overcome a lot to get this far. I've grown in so many ways in the last year and half. And the exciting part? I'm not done! I'm still learning and growing! I just wish I could explain to people why I'm proud of myself when it comes to school even though it took a lot of failure to get here.

O well. If they don't get it, it's not my problem. I'm proud of me, and so is my husband. Even though he's almost done with his second bachelor's and I'm still working on my first, he has NEVER made me feel like less for it. He's understood and supported me, every step of the way, even when I've had to pay out of pocket for classes.

On a side note, the more quotes I stumble upon from Albert Einstein, the more I like him:

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."  ~Albert Einstein

Rachel

Mild Irrational Fears

Where to begin...it seems like more and more of my posts are beginning like that. I think one of my New Year's Resolutions is to get back to blogging regularly, maybe once a week.

I have, like any normal person, what I call "mild irrational fears". I often think of the worst case scenario, as in really dark and extremely unlikely, in many situations. For example, as Studdly Hubby and I were driving to see his family on Thanksgiving, I admitted that I'm freaked out by sinkholes. You know the ones - You see a picture on the news of a car that has fallen into a hole in the road that has simply appeared. I've never seen one in person, so it's not something I worry about all the time, but I have thought about how terrifying it would be to land in one!

Anyway, tonight I admitted to Simone that I have a mild irrational fear of "snapping" and ending up in a mental hospital. I fear that I've gotten away with things too easily. Considering what I've been through, my life is too good. Surely there is some deep seated mental illness, hiding deep below the surface, just waiting to show it's ugly face when the time is right. I feel like it is something that could happen years down the road. I don't even know what I feel like "it" is. I worry that I'll develop some kind of latent psychiatric disorder. Even though I can hand you a laundry list of all the things I've already dealt with or am dealing with, I worry that there is something dark festering. It's as if I'm driving down the road, when all of a sudden, my road gives away and I crash into a sinkhole. But those rarely happen, right? I'm still trying to process the whole thing.

On a side note, what has two thumbs and got an A on her senior project?

This girl!!

By the way, there was a sinkhole on the freeway here last week.

Rachel

Child Sexual Abuse Epidemic Video

Hi all! I know I've been really quiet lately, but it's because I have been hard at work. Today, I presented my senior project at Concordia University, a crucial step towards graduating. Below is the Power Point I had with my display board. I plan on getting all of the information up on here soon, so stay tuned! In the meanwhile, I'd appreciate it you would watch and share this video.

*EDIT* Sorry guys, I just realized this is extremely low quality. I'm trying to find a way to fix it and will replace it when I figure it out!! Sorry!

Link for the :Stewards of Children" training: Click here

Thanks!

Rachel

In Need of a Pep Talk

There is a phrase in the German language, "Ich habe die Nase voll" meaning, "My nose is full/congested." Interestingly, it also means "I've had it up to here!" When I saw Simone on Tuesday, she noticed I wasn't myself. When I shared with her some things I have going on right now, on top of a month long, antibiotic resistant sinus infection, she shared that German phrase with me, which seemed eerily fitting.

The semester is finally coming to an end. I only have a few weeks left, which includes 2 major papers, and my math final, as well as the usual weekly assignments. I petitioned for Concordia to accept the math class I'm in to count for the math credit necessary for my degree. That's great, expect if I don't get a C-, it won't transfer. Even though I average 98% on the homework, and 86% on the quizzes, I will need a 96% on my final to achieve that, thanks to bombing the mid-term. Let's assume I pull that off. I also realized I will need 17 more credits to graduate. So I'm currently registered for 17 credits for Spring 2012. Now let's assume I DON'T get a 96% on my math final. Then those 3 credits won't transfer and I'll need 20, which I cannot do in one semester. Which means I still won't graduate in May. 

I've already been running out of steam a little bit for this semester, but the prospect of graduating soon was really propelling me forward. But now it feels further and further away. I'm so frustrated by the whole thing and feel depleted of energy, motivation, determination, and so much more. It feels like all of my resources have been tapped out. My house is a mess, I barely get to blog anymore, I can't just pick up a book and enjoy it, because I know I should be studying instead. I don't feel like I can even spend much time working on myself, emotionally and mentally, which has slowed things down in therapy, in my mind anyway. And part of that is probably related to the fact that I haven't been writing about it all as well.

On top of all that, I've been feeling really lonely and kind of isolated lately. One of the problems with that is that I sometimes isolate myself even further when I feel that way. I briefly considered not going to Aaron's family's Thanksgiving, but I know going would be better for me. Today I texted my mother-in-law about Black Friday shopping, and then texted my little brother(-in-law) about staying with us that weekend. That made me feel a little better about the holiday, especially when my brother offered to go Black Friday shopping with me if I was going to be going alone. Seriously, what almost 16 year old volunteers to get up at 3am to go shopping with his 26 year old sister-in-law? I adore him. He is the little brother I always wanted and never had.

Anyway, my point is, I am in need of a pep talk. Or some time off. Or a therapeutic retreat. Or a really good professional massage. Or taking the rest of the semester off from work. Although somehow I don't think my boss or my bank account would appreciate that much.  

I don't know what I need.

Rachel

A Few Things...

I have about a billion things on my mind right now, so I'll just dive in.

It's very difficult to describe how difficult it is to let go of my past, to let go of being a victim. I want to be strong and to overcome, but giving up the familiarity of everything that happened has felt a bit like giving up a part of my identity. I want to feel something about it all. I want it to matter for something. I have to find a way to find meaning in it all. But finding the balance between respecting the past and moving forward is not as simple as it sounds. But something clicked today. I deserve everything this life has to offer. I deserve a family. I deserve a happy marriage. I deserve to be happy...because of the past. I've been as low as can possibly be. And I think I'm about ready to come out on the other side. To take a deep breathe in the sunlight. To let go of the angst. None of this means that I'm going to stop processing any of it or working through it in therapy. On the contrary, I'm ready to take the next step, whatever that may be, instead of being held back by the past. I'll still have difficult days. I may still have nightmares. I may still feel like an alien walking around this world, but I'm determined to find accept happiness. 

I find it strange that this is what I've been considering today. Last night, I had a terrible nightmare. I ended up crying in the middle of the night, which never happens. Without going into all the details, I can tell you that in the dream, I am being mercilessly beat by my dad. My tears and sweat were mixed with my own blood. I felt like a dog, cowering in a corner. Have you ever seen a dog being punched and beat by it's master? It's a horrible sight, that always makes my stomach turn. I woke up in physical pain. My lower back, pelvis and right hip hurt terribly. I pulled out my heating pad and that seemed to alleviate most of it, although when finally woke up again at 10:00 in the morning, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. It seemed like my whole body hurt. I had a headache, my heart hurt and my hips, pelvis and back were aching again. As the day has gone on, I've started to feel better, except for my hips.  It seems counterintuitive that accepting happiness would be on my mind after all this.

On the other hand, Aaron and I have been discussing family planning, and I've been a little obsessed with that as well. Also, I had a graduation audit done through Concordia to see where I was at. I've been planning on taking one class next semester, but I wanted to make sure I didn't need anymore. I don't want to draw this out any longer than I have to! Word came back that I will be done this semester. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm getting a college diploma for Christmas. Its so close I can taste it. This is a dream I've had for almost a decade, and I can't believe it's about to come true. 

I also can't believe what an amazing husband I have. Aaron is a good man. I am a strong person and I've worked hard to overcome a lot so far. But I honestly believe that I may not still be alive had I not met him when I did. Either my dad would have beat me within an inch of my life to shut me up and I would just give up, or, I hate to admit it, I would have taken my own life. My life was becoming more and more dangerous, and Aaron was right by my side, encouraging me, supporting me, and giving me the strength to make the necessary changes in my life.  Other than a handful of people who were with us everyday on campus, I don't think many people understand everything he did for me, and continues to do. Eventually, I was in a place emotionally where I could give back to him as well, which is easy to do, all things considered. I guess all I'm trying to say is this: Aaron is a man that adds to my happiness daily, and I love him more daily. 7 years of love and counting. <3

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart." - Robert Sexton

Rachel

Managing PTSD

I've been thinking a lot lately about how well my PTSD has been managed now compared to a year ago. Even though I've been a little more on edge and emotional lately because I'm dealing with some new things in therapy, overall I have a sense of calm and peace that I never did before. Part of me is relieved and happy to be able to breathe deeply, and part of me is confused. It's still a new feeling when you consider most of my life was spent feeling anxious and on edge. It feels like I've let go of something, which is good, but still feels like a loss in some way. I know that doesn't make sense to someone who hasn't been there, but it's true. We all cling to what we know, even if it's unhealthy. I think that's part of what makes change so difficult.

But now I can sit in the study and do my homework. No TV, maybe some music. And everything has been done on time. Again, that may not sound like much to some, but I have been struggling with this since third or fourth grade. And now I have straight A's again. That hasn't happened since the struggle began. After this semester, if my calculations are correct, I will need to take my science class and then I will be a college graduate. Although this has been a goal for quite some time, I've never been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel...until now. 

And the thing is, I can't even offer many practical tips for managing PTSD. The "practical" advice has never worked for me. I needed to go much deeper. After a year in therapy, the changes happened organically. You can't force yourself to change. It takes time. I don't want to say I'm totally in the clear yet, but I have made so much progress.

In other news, I've been trying to come up with a name for my "happy place" because I despise calling it that. I was watching Lord of the Rings this morning. When Frodo and the rest of the Fellowship meet with the elves after surviving the Mines of Moria, they find themselves in Lothlorien. It looked almost exactly like my happy place! I actually used an image from this scene back when I started writing about it (Storybook Forest). According to "The Thain's Book", Lothlorien "was a place where time seemed to stand still, a waking dream of the ancient days of the Elves". It was a "place of great beauty and peace". The name Lothlorien means dreamflower. Unless I stumble across something better soon, I think I found a winner.

Lothlorien

Lastly, I have been working on creating a support group for women who are survivors of child sexual abuse. And it is finally official. I'm nervous, mostly that no one will show up, but excited too. I finally feel like I'm really doing something with my past to help people. If this run doesn't work out (I'm trying it for 6 weeks) I think I will try again in January, after the holidays. Please take a moment and check it out here: Support Group. Oh, and do take a moment to listen to the song there. It is so beautiful it moved me tears - not that that's saying much lately, but watch it anyway!

Rachel

Homework Rules #1 - 3

Rule #1 - Plan, Organize and Plan a little more.
   - Don't get caught with a bunch of homework/discussion board postings at the last minute. Losing your whole weekend to homework is counterproductive because you will just dread it more..

Rule #2 -  No homework in bed!
   - Have one space devoted to homework where you generally don't do anything else like sleep, watch TV, have sex, relax, eat, etc.

Rule #3 - No homework on Sundays, if at all possible.
   - After all, it is the day of rest. Its healthy to take a break. With good planning (see Rule #1) it should be feasible.

Here's to day one of my senior year!!

Rachel

The Plan

On Friday, I found out I'm going to have to take 15 credits this semester, on top of working full-time. First I panicked, then I started to look at the bright side, like getting done early and giving myself a graduation present of a trip to the happiest place on earth - Disney World. 

While that's helpful, I need to have a plan in place to conquer this semester. So I came up with a schedule binder. It will contain my syllabi for all my classes, monthly calendars of all my due dates, and a weekly agenda that I will plan every Sunday for the following week of homework. It also has a cleaning schedule that my darling Studdly Hubby is going to help with, but that's best saved for another post. I honestly have a serious planner fetish. I'll buy a brand new planner in the middle of the year just for the fun of filling it out. Planners and schedules make my heart happy. If you've never looked into it, do check out Google Calendar. It is my life force. 

I also bought a pretty notebook to help make my math class a little more "fun". I recently read a study that said children who were sexually abused grew up to have decreased scores on math tests. I could use that as an excuse, although I see it more as a challenge. "Oh, that's why I struggle? F*** that! I'm going to beat this!" Also, I'm taking College Algebra, so it shouldn't be too demanding. In theory.

Another part of my plan requires a good study space. I've used my free time this summer to clean out and organize our study. I now have a comfortable place where Aaron and I can do our homework together. The living room has the TV which is too much of a distraction. And we have a DVR in the bedroom, so anything I want to see, I can record until I'm free to watch it. 

Before I share the last part of my plan, you have to promise not too laugh. Yes, you. Because it's a bit silly. Are you promising? Pinky swear? Ok...

T-shirt idea: "I'm too pretty to be this serious". :-P

I'm going to wear glasses to do my homework. What's so funny about that you say? I don't need glasses. These don't even have real lenses. They're from Claire's. BUT, it will help me play the role of a student. Someone who buckles down and gets the work done. Very serious. Stop laughing! And please refrain from comments sharing how dreadful I look in glasses. I've always thought I could pull off the "sexy librarian" thing. Nope. Doesn't matter. These aren't for use in public. 

So there we go. I have a plan. All I need now is my syllabi so I can start filling in the schedules. Wish me luck!!

Rachel

School Frustrations...Already

I am so frustrated right now. My master plan for school involved me taking 6 credits at Ivy Tech this fall and doing my senior project through Concordia, which is  more credits. I thought this would be manageable. As it would turn out, I am required to be full-time at Ivy Tech to receive any financial aid. Which means, I am now registered for 12 credits at Ivy Tech PLUS my senior project. So instead of taking a total of 9, I'll be taking 15 credits. And working full-time.

So this fall is pretty much shot. I have to finish this. It is not optional in any way shape or form. I have to do really well. As I've talked about on here before, school is a struggle for me. Doing all that would be hard for anyone, but I already feel overwhelmed. I still have a couple weeks left to come up with a good plan to tackle it all. 

But here's the silver lining. First of all, I don't have any kids! That would make this next to impossible. I honestly don't know how some women do it. Second, I'll be done a semester earlier. YAY! Come May 2012, I hope to be throwing a heck of a party or doing something big to celebrate. Maybe a return to Disney World? Hmm..."Where dreams come true"...or at least where they're celebrated. 

Yep, this feels like a plan!

I've taken a break since starting this post, and I've already calmed down some. I'm focused on being done soon, rather than on how much more work it will be. *deep breath* I've also talked to Studdly Hubby and he made me feel a lot better. 

Any and all support/prayers are appreciated in advance. :-P

Rachel

Catch-up

Well hello readers! Remember me? I hope so...I've not been blogging as much lately, for a couple reasons. For one, I find it harder to write when there isn't any angst to write about. Also, I have been making very good progress on my book. A couple weekends ago, I locked myself in my apartment and just decided to get going on it. I finally feel like I have a good plan for it, and so far it's working out.

*Visualizing the end goal*

Besides that, I'm practically and mentally preparing for classes to begin this fall. To complete my BA in Psychology from Concordia, I need to take a math class, a science class, complete my senior project and 12 credits in electives. I'm taking the science class this fall as well as an elective. I'm also going to do my senior project. I had to write a proposal to officially register for it so I was working on that last week and this weekend.  In case you're curious, I am creating a support group for adult female survivors of child sexual abuse. I'm a little nervous about some aspects of it, but really excited about others. Hoping my proposal will be approved quickly so I can get started on it. I plan for the group to run for 6 weeks, so that's a decent chunk of the semester right there, which leaves less time for research and writing. 

I've had some topics floating around in my brain that I've been meaning to blog about though...babies, Harry Potter from a Jungian perspective, progress made in my sex life...Hopefully I'll get a chance to work on them soon!

Rachel

A Shift in Perspective

Ok, first and foremost...

I'M FAMOUS!

Not really, but, I was quoted via my blog in a post that had thousands of views! Here's the lowdown. I am a member of a blogging network called BlogHer. I've posted a few things on there, and have also "Liked" them on Facebook. They post links on there several times a day. Today I was looking it over and got very excited when I saw one about Vaginismus. I followed the link to see what they had to say. It was basically an article explaining what it is. And then, on the second page, they used an excerpt my blog! With my name! And a link back to my blog!

Moving on...

I watched "The Secret" on Netflix a couple days ago. I remember having heard about the book when it came out. There was a lot of hype around it, but I never got around to reading it. I had a friend who had read it, and he summed it up by saying it was basically about imaging what you want in life. That was more or less it. The documentary/website makes it all seem very mystical, like its this powerful secret that the rich and powerful have been keeping from us for centuries. It's not. It's pure psychology + good old fashioned hard work. (By the way, it sort of brushes over that second part because that is not a popular notion and doesn't sell books.)

However, that doesn't mean it doesn't work.

In the midst of spring cleaning, I came across my old "dream board" that I had made at the beginning of 2010. The idea was to put up images that related to goals in Avon sales. When I pulled it out, I realized that I had achieved 3 out of 4 of my goals, without even realizing it. I wanted a new couch, health insurance, to pay off my car and a trip to Disney World. My new couch will be delivered tomorrow, I'm going to Disney World for my delayed honeymoon next week and our health insurance kicks in in April. I was stunned! 

Watching "The Secret" and finding my dream board really caused me to do some soul searching. What else had I gotten in life that I wanted? How else had the supposed secret worked for me when I didn't even realize that was what I was doing?  For one, I met Studdly Hubby, married him and am currently living happily ever after with him. Bonus: He chose a more lucrative career path along the way! I wanted a new job, and found one within 2 weeks. I wanted/needed a car a couple years ago, and we got one. I'm sure there are LOTS more examples in my life, but these are the ones coming to mind right now.

So where do I go from here? It's time to make a new dream board! I've been thinking about it a little, and there a few things I know I want to be represented on it:

• A published book
• Babies
• More blog readership/recognition
• A healthier body
• A college degree
• More to come later..

Anyway, besides wanting more, this all made me feel very grateful for what I have. I came from a terrible life, to being happily married and independent, with food on the table and clothes on my back. We still struggle financially, but we're getting by and then some. While going through my therapy, I tend to spend a lot of time "in my head". I think about my problems, how I'm going to write about my problems, how my problems affect/create other problems. It's not a great state of mind to stay in. This realization has helped me shift my focus. While I fully intend to keep up with my healing process, I can also focus on what I want in the future, both near and far. I need to see a more complete picture of my life, and take a step back and gain new perspective. 

Rachel

Time Flies...

I just finished my homework for the week for one of my three classes. I made an effort to turn the TV off, place some music, and not move my butt from this seat. 

You know how they say "Time flies when you're having fun?" Well it turns out the opposite is also true. I mean, everyone knows that, but sometimes it is especially obvious. I turned in my homework and decided to take a short break before staring on my next class. I looked at the clock to see how long the whole thing took me and it was ONLY 2 HOURS. I really don't know how that was possible. I actually had tears streaming down my face at one point because I didn't want to do it. It's just so frustrating! I feel like it is unacceptable to be struggling with this. I know that's illogical and just doesn't work. I can't force myself to be something I'm not. But I can find a way to work on it and work through it. I'm getting there...

The whole thing was incredibly exhausting. I can't even begin to tell you how much effort it takes for me to focus, especially on something that feels so tedious. 

But it's done. Now I'm going to get up and stretch, follow-up on a couple other things, and get back at it.

Wish me luck!!

Rachel

Clear as Mud

Ok, my last post requires explanation. Mostly because I had some more time to reflect on the issue of academia and I had a chance to work with my therapist on it. I did not yet fully understand the issue, but really needed to share it. It was very hard for me to do, but I've promised myself that I was going to be honest about what happens after the abuse. Struggling with schoolwork is a major piece of the puzzle, so it was time to be honest about it.

I've been saying "I am a bad student" for quite some time. This was going off the assumption that the entire value of being a student is in the grades. While this is the only measurement tool available, I don't believe it is the most accurate, just the most logical. 

A student is defined as "one who studies something". Well, I wouldn't say I ever "studied" much, unless paying attention in class and soaking up that information counts as studying. It could be argued that it does. However, I would like to take that definition a step further so that it instead reads "one who learns something". If that can be an agreed upon definition, then I would like to assert that I am a good student.

Regardless of whether or not we can agree on that, the important thing is that I now better understand the struggle, and tomorrow I can start fresh. 

Now to clear up the mud a bit. Let me start by sharing that Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) had a great deal of overlap in symptoms with ADHD. (Click here for a great explanation)

When I was being abused, all of my energy was going into surviving, protecting myself both physically and mentally, all while keeping up the appearance that nothing was going on at home. There was nothing left in my energy reserves for homework. Also, while attempting to do it anyway, I had to be on high alert. I never knew when he was going to attempt to fondle me or force me into the basement or bathroom for something worse. My sisters and I had to constantly "take the temperature" of the room my stepdad was in to see how he was going to behave, what mood he was in. If he was gone, we would listen for his truck to pull up. If he was taking a nap, we would listen for him to get up and open the bedroom door. We were all on high alert. This made it impossible to focus on homework or anything else for that matter. Patrick Stewart gives an excellent description of this in this YouTube clip:

Living in that existence for years has led to PTSD. I can't say if any of my sisters are dealing with it, although I would not be the least little bit surprised. You can see a list of symptoms here. The ones that most apply to me are flashbacks (occasionally), nightmares, avoiding places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma, inability to remember important aspects of the trauma, feeling detached from others, difficulty concentrating, hypervigilance and feeling jumpy/easily startled. The last three are the ones that most lend themselves to the appearance of ADHD. 

Not the only face of PTSD. There's a war at home being
fought too.

It's easier for me to excuse my low grades in high school because I was still experiencing the trauma. However, I believe in taking responsibility for your own actions. I don't believe in using your past for a crutch. But I realized today that by going to therapy and try to heal things like this, that is exactly what I'm doing. I may still be struggling (hence the POST traumatic stress), but I'm working on it.

So I'm going to keep on plugging. I will get this degree. I imagine that I won't be satisfied with an Associate's and will eventually get my bachelor's, but for now, I need to focus on my homework for this week. I'll forgive myself for the past (an idea that had me unexpectedly BAWLING in therapy today) and move on. 

I used this quote in my last post to refer to forgiving others, but today, it's about forgiving myself in a very big way:

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah

Hope this all made some sense!

Rachel

Like Pulling Teeth

Since I'm sitting here struggling with this issue, I might as well stop avoiding it and talk about it. Besides, confession is good for the soul, right?

But before I get to that, let me say I have tested out of English both at Concordia and Ivy Tech. I got good grades in my favorite psychology classes. I love to learn and learn quickly. I am not stupid and I make a great employee. I'm great with "real" work. That being said...

I am a terrible student. 

And I am horribly embarrassed by it. I started college in August 2004. I've taken off 2 semesters (not consecutive) since then but I still do not have any kind of degree. I cringe anytime some well meaning in-laws ask me how school is going. While I haven't talked about it with my MIL, she's figured out by now that I struggle. I'm sure the others wonder what my problem is.

So what is my problem?

I don't like homework. Geez, it sounds as pathetic typed out as it does in my head. I start almost every semester doing great. I get really good grades when I do the work. I'm not unintelligent. I'm not even sure why I don't like homework, because I love to learn!

I wish I could say this was a new problem, but it started back in 3rd grade, which is right around the time I first had homework.  That's when I really started to struggle. I remember one day when I was so proud to actually have my homework done. At this point, the teacher expected me to not have it. So when she was collecting it, I told her I didn't get it done, and as she started to walk away, I said "Just kidding! Here it is!"

She didn't find it very amusing.

It just got worse from there, but in elementary school, teachers could make you stay in from recess and complete the work. Which was fine with me, by the way, because by 7th and 8th grade, a child's playground is not fun. It's very boring. 

Anyway, I suspect this is part of the reason I felt unliked by my fellow students. They all got their work done. What was wrong with me?

High school became very difficult. There was no recess time to be used for homework. By my senior year, it was clear that I was barely going to graduate.  

As proof that I wasn't stupid, I did pretty well on my ACT, with an overall score of 26 (I think I had a 29 in English...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ridiculously proud of these score. BTW, the average score in Michigan is 19).  This coupled with the fact that my high school was staffed by Concordia alumni, somehow got me a spot at Concordia Ann Arbor. I was sure I would do much better there because I was away from all the problems at home. I didn't do better, and now I had the delicious freedom to skip class as well. I was great at going while I'm homework was still getting done, but when it wasn't, I was too ashamed to show my face. Concordia has very small class sizes, so the professors knew everyone by name. And then not going to class made it harder to go to class because I was ashamed about skipping. It was an ugly vicious cycle. It was great in the classes I did well in (also known as the most interesting to me), but embarrassing in the rest.

So I was put on academic probation several times. After four years, my husband graduated and we moved to Fort Wayne, IN so he could work on his master's. I started online classes through another Concordia. It was the same thing again. And even though I didn't have to see my classmates or my professor face-to-face, I started to skip the weekly chats. I got put on academic probation a couple times and then they told me to hit the road.

So now I'm taking classes at Ivy Tech...for an Associate's Degree. The most expensive Associate's Degree in history. I have all the requirements needed at Concordia for a psych degree, minus field work, a senior project, a science credit and the necessary number of credits. I took and passed all the psych classes though. But Ivy Tech doesn't offer a Bachelor's in Psychology, so I'm settling. I have to finish something and the way my grades are right now, another university like Purdue isn't going to touch me. 

So there you have it. I am a terrible student. Once I post this, I need to get back to my homework because I feel myself losing momentum already. Making myself do the work is like pulling teeth... 

Glad I got it all out...I think...

Rachel

Guilt

I'm really getting in touch with how guilty I've been feeling about things lately. 

I feel guilty for not doing well enough. I still don't have a degree. I still struggle with eating healthy and exercising consistently.

I'm not a good enough wife. I feel guilty that I have to deal with vaginismus and put my husband through those difficulties, even if it is getting better. I believe it is that guilt that kept me from really progressing for the first three years.

I feel guilty for being so selfish, all the time. I often get caught up in "Rachel Land". Everything relates back to me in some way. It's a terrible way to be, and it's the truth. I'm always afraid that people are going to find out about it.

I'm sitting here thinking I would like to play a video game. But there's clothes in the dryer, another load waiting to go in the wash, the coffee table is cluttered, the whole place needs to be vacuumed, classes started again this week so I should really work on homework.

I feel guilty for not talking to my mom. What doesn't help that is that I know at least some of my sister's would agree that I should feel guilty. I've tried to explain to a couple people why I feel the way I do about her, but for one, it's complicated, and for two, I haven't been sure exactly how to describe the problem.

I feel guilty that I want to feel special. I cherish every little bit of positive feedback I get on this. I know it's healthy, because I shouldn't be trying to determine my worth from outside sources, but I still feel like I need a lot of validation. I don't even understand why I want to be special. I always though survivors of abuse strive to be normal; to fit in. But I never felt like I did fit in growing up. Maybe that's it...I want to be special and not weird. Maybe it has more to do with the lack of validation I'm getting from my mom. After the court case, she came to me and said "It's not as bad as I though..." I need her to validate my pain. The pain from the past and the pain I'm still carrying today. And with that, I need her to be proud of all I've overcome, but she can't do that if she can't understand how horrible it was.

But I digress...

I was never made to feel like the abuse was my fault. Thankfully, my mother never placed that on me, as many others did to their children. But I still don't know how to feel like I'm "good". I feel like a naughty child on some level - like I am inherently bad. I remember trying to reach out to people a little bit when I started high school. I told my first boyfriend that "my dad" sometimes called me a bitch. His response? "Well maybe you are sometimes." Dumb kid. That didn't help anything.

I just want to stand up and scream,

"I'm not good enough!!"

Let me finish this by saying these are all feelings. Logically, I can point out all the fallacies. But in my heart is a battle between logic and feelings. Logic usually wins, but right now, the feelings are on my mind.

Rachel