A Few Things...

I have about a billion things on my mind right now, so I'll just dive in.

It's very difficult to describe how difficult it is to let go of my past, to let go of being a victim. I want to be strong and to overcome, but giving up the familiarity of everything that happened has felt a bit like giving up a part of my identity. I want to feel something about it all. I want it to matter for something. I have to find a way to find meaning in it all. But finding the balance between respecting the past and moving forward is not as simple as it sounds. But something clicked today. I deserve everything this life has to offer. I deserve a family. I deserve a happy marriage. I deserve to be happy...because of the past. I've been as low as can possibly be. And I think I'm about ready to come out on the other side. To take a deep breathe in the sunlight. To let go of the angst. None of this means that I'm going to stop processing any of it or working through it in therapy. On the contrary, I'm ready to take the next step, whatever that may be, instead of being held back by the past. I'll still have difficult days. I may still have nightmares. I may still feel like an alien walking around this world, but I'm determined to find accept happiness. 

I find it strange that this is what I've been considering today. Last night, I had a terrible nightmare. I ended up crying in the middle of the night, which never happens. Without going into all the details, I can tell you that in the dream, I am being mercilessly beat by my dad. My tears and sweat were mixed with my own blood. I felt like a dog, cowering in a corner. Have you ever seen a dog being punched and beat by it's master? It's a horrible sight, that always makes my stomach turn. I woke up in physical pain. My lower back, pelvis and right hip hurt terribly. I pulled out my heating pad and that seemed to alleviate most of it, although when finally woke up again at 10:00 in the morning, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. It seemed like my whole body hurt. I had a headache, my heart hurt and my hips, pelvis and back were aching again. As the day has gone on, I've started to feel better, except for my hips.  It seems counterintuitive that accepting happiness would be on my mind after all this.

On the other hand, Aaron and I have been discussing family planning, and I've been a little obsessed with that as well. Also, I had a graduation audit done through Concordia to see where I was at. I've been planning on taking one class next semester, but I wanted to make sure I didn't need anymore. I don't want to draw this out any longer than I have to! Word came back that I will be done this semester. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm getting a college diploma for Christmas. Its so close I can taste it. This is a dream I've had for almost a decade, and I can't believe it's about to come true. 

I also can't believe what an amazing husband I have. Aaron is a good man. I am a strong person and I've worked hard to overcome a lot so far. But I honestly believe that I may not still be alive had I not met him when I did. Either my dad would have beat me within an inch of my life to shut me up and I would just give up, or, I hate to admit it, I would have taken my own life. My life was becoming more and more dangerous, and Aaron was right by my side, encouraging me, supporting me, and giving me the strength to make the necessary changes in my life.  Other than a handful of people who were with us everyday on campus, I don't think many people understand everything he did for me, and continues to do. Eventually, I was in a place emotionally where I could give back to him as well, which is easy to do, all things considered. I guess all I'm trying to say is this: Aaron is a man that adds to my happiness daily, and I love him more daily. 7 years of love and counting. <3

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart." - Robert Sexton

Rachel

The Next Layer

I'm not even sure where to begin tonight...

My mood - This has been a rough several weeks for me. I could feel something starting to bubble below the surface. I was really emotional and weepy. My mood has slowly slid into a darker place since then. This past week/weekend has been the worst so far. I've been crying at the drop of a hat, often for no particular reason. I've been talking to Simone about it, and we both agreed that something was going on, but it was hard to say what. It seemed as if my subconscious was trying to protect me from something. Often, in traumatic situations, the psyche will create a "protective self" that is only useful during the trauma. However, old habits die hard and that protective self doesn't know that its job is done. This seemed as if it could be a direct correlation to the dream I had about the dead woman. A sense of dread kept me from exploring the situation further.

Last week in therapy, I was talking about some of the abuse. I became abnormally emotional when I related how my dad would put the responsibility on me to stop the abuse. After he was done, usually after he ejaculated, he used to apologize, say it would never happen again, but to just say "no" if he ever tried again. Obviously, I tried that, and it never worked out too well. When he was diagnosed with prostate cancer, the abuse stopped for about a year when I was 16-17. I thought I was finally home-free (from that part of the abuse anyway) until his treatments were done and he got his libido back. I fought harder than ever to "just say no" and was devastated when I lost the battle. In therapy today, I commented that I couldn't remember the first time it happened after that year, but suddenly recalled sobbing in my bedroom. Honestly, its hard for me to even think about it further without becoming emotional. Besides my family letting me down, it has been the greatest disappointment of my life thus far...

So I think there may be two things at play here. First, I was taught, in a very big way, that just when I think things are going to be ok, everything will come crumbling down. Just when I started to believe that it wasn't going to happen anymore, and was growing stronger and stronger in my belief that I could stop it if it started again, I lost.  So now, when things are going well in my life, you can almost set your stopwatch for the inevitable fall.

The second thing I realized on my drive home tonight. I think I am actually starting to face the abuse. I've been facing the after affects, but not the abuse itself. I think that may be a major part of the next "layer" I have going on. I usually don't cry so easily when talking about it, and even when I did this last time, I didn't let myself let go and "cry it out". I composed myself. So I know there are more tears there, waiting...

This is much bigger and nicer than the one I
visited, but you get the idea...

I revisited the dream with the dead woman in my inner work last week. I tried to get closer to investigate, but the rungs on the ladder kept snapping in half every time I stepped on them. My protective self did not want me to go any further, emotionally or even in the dream. I did some more inner work today, in which Simone led me to a house. I walked from my "happy place" (working on a new name for that...) to my safe place and saw a house plopped down in the sand to the left (to the right are the cellar doors). The house was white, with aluminum siding and black shutters. It was very typical and blase - nothing that would grab your attention. The inside smelled like it had been closed up for quite some time. It had a few furniture pieces, but nothing ornamental, as if though nobody lived there. Simone asked me to look for a message of some sort. I noticed some writing appear on the wall to the left. It said simply "Why are you here?" Not really sure myself, I responded by writing on the wall "I'm exploring..." I then asked if there was a message for me and got the response "Keep looking..." *On a side note, a house can often represent one's self.*

From there, I walked into a large empty room and looked out the windows at farm country. As I walked closer, a vicious dog barked at me from outside. I jumped back and headed to the stairs on the other side of the room. I got the sense that I had "beat" my protective self, that I had gotten inside before she could stop me, so I was free to explore. I walked up the stairs and saw the hallway from the house on Monroe St. I was drawn to my old bedroom. It was pink and deliciously girly. My 12-year old self showed up and seemed to be doing ok. I realized I needed to be with my 17 year self, who was completely devastated that the abuse was continuing. She wasn't coming to me, so I realized I needed to be with her. Suddenly, I was in my bedroom in the basement, holding her and letting her sob. I let her cry it out for a few minutes, then shared with her that it was all over. That "this" wasn't reality. I waved my arm, and our surroundings disappeared like a crumpled up backdrop. We were left in a blank white space. From there, I took her back to my bedroom where I began. I shared with her all the little things in my life that I had that I knew she dreamed about. I was free and independent. I was someone she dreamed of being but would barely recognize as herself. I was a woman and no one was going to make choices for me like that ever again.

I always find it funny that when I start posts with a comment like "I don't know what to write" or " I don't know where to begin", I quickly figure it out...and then some! I have some other things on my mind to share on here, but I think I have enough for now.

Rachel

Insert Title Here

I'm not really sure what to write here tonight. I've been dealing with something lately, although I'm not sure what it is. My emotions have been abnormally close to the surface for the past several weeks. I've been having some uncomfortable dreams, some not so uncomfortable and some just silly, although I don't really feel like sharing them right now. But thanks to those dreams, I haven't been sleeping well. I was dog-tired all day today. I've had people tell me I look tired on several occasions lately. I get enough hours of sleep, but the quality is just not there.

Several months ago, I was feeling really confident in myself, my future and plans to change the world. The song "Firework" by Katy Perry really spoke to my heart. But lately, that spark just isn't there. I'm still confident, but not in a "blazing brightly" kind of way. Before, I had plans to write my book and didn't question (much) what would happen after that. Now I worry how I'm ever going to make it good enough to get published and the recognition I so deeply desire. I wonder what I'm really going to be able to do to help survivors. I want to revolutionalize the way our culture views survivors. I want them to understand. In theory, my book would help do that. In theory, the support group I'm trying to start up this semester will be a very small step towards helping that. But even there I feel clueless. What do I know about running a support group? It reminds me of the children's poem by Shel Silverstein:

Whatif

Last night, while I lay thinking here, Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear And pranced and partied all night long And sang their same old Whatif song: Whatif I'm dumb in school? Whatif they've closed the swimming pol? Whatif I get beat up? Whatif there's poison in my cup? Whatif I start to cry? Whatif I get sick and die? Whatif I flunk that test? Whatif green hair grows on my chest? Whatif nobody likes me? Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me? Whatif I don't grow talle? Whatif my head starts getting smaller? Whatif the fish won't bite? Whatif the wind tears up my kite? Whatif they start a war? Whatif my parents get divorced? Whatif the bus is late? Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight? Whatif I tear my pants? Whatif I never learn to dance? Everything seems swell, and then The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

I guess I'm just in a little bit of a dark place right now.

Like I said, I don't really have much to say here tonight. I just wanted to say I'm here, and once I process whatever it is I'm dealing with, I'll fill you in.

Here's hoping I get some good sleep tonight.

Rachel

New Territory: Part 2

Off to dreamland...

In Part 1 of this post, I shared a couple dreams I've had lately. The final in this trifecta of  dreams was a bit more vague than the first two. I know there was a lot to it, but when I woke up, all I know is that my house was on fire, and there was someone there with me. I believe it was a female, although I never really got a good look at her. 

Now comes the reason these posts are entitled "New Territory". Simone suggested I do some inner work to "return" to the dream. Instead of going straight to my happy place, I planned to go to the house. On the way, something unusual happened. I found myself looking into a forest. There stood a little girl, me at around 4 years old, wearing a dress and clutching a teddy bear. She was looking up, as light seemed to be streaming down upon her. After a moment, my actual self walked in hugged her. I got the feeling that the light pouring down was instilling in her the skills to survive her future and protect her actual self. This was actually a very beautiful image, one I hope to get down on paper. I started a pencil sketch, but I'm not particularly skilled in the visual arts!

From there, I moved on to the house in the dream. I was standing in the bedroom that I recognized to be from the first dream I had. I took in my surroundings and saw a wardrobe. At first I thought this was strange - how many bedrooms have a wardrobe instead of a closet? Then it dawned on me that it was the same wardrobe I had in the last house I lived in with my family. As I continued to look around, I saw the bed I had at that time as well as the end table I had been using as a night stand. I knew there was someone to my right, but wasn't able to see her. It was almost as if there was a void where she should have been. Although my room was well lit, the door was open and I could the flames throughout the rest of the house. The strange thing is, they didn't seem to be burning anything...they were just "there". 

Suddenly, an image appeared in the doorway. It looked my dad, and at the same time didn't. His face seemed smooth and young, and he seemed small and thin even though he was wearing his clothes and had his hair and facial hair. He came towards me and grabbed me between my legs. I pushed him back and said in a strong voice "You need to stop. I don't have time for this!" Of all things to say!! As I pushed him back, I stepped out into the hallway, seeking an exit. I saw a stairway leading downstairs and felt like I was in the house on Monroe St. It didn't feel safe to go that way for some reason. I looked back and saw the "image" standing where I had pushed him, simply watching me. I walked back into my room and looked around again. There were two windows, on opposite sides facing each other. I didn't look out one of them, but outside the other I could see that I was on the second floor and down below were firemen. I also sensed that there were others. No one seemed panicked, but they all seemed aware that I was there.

It's hard to analyze every aspect of this particular experience because there was so much going on. I plan on coming back to it, partly because I want to talk about it more with Simone, and partly because I am too tired tonight to process it anymore thanks to jet lag. Perhaps there will be a Part 3!

Rachel

New Territory: Part 1

For whatever reason, I have not shared many of my dreams on here, even when they seem somewhat significant. I've always been of the belief that dreams were random pons firing in your brain when you're asleep, and sometimes related to whatever was on your mind before you went to sleep. Now that I've gotten more in touch my subconscious, I no longer believe that. I don't think you can necessarily take dreams at face value. For example, if you dreamed you were kissing your ex, it doesn't necessarily mean you want to leave your husband and have sex with your ex-boyfriend. However, if you spent some time really getting to know yourself and understand a little bit about the psyche, you may be better able to understand some of these dreams.

A rotunda... similar, although much smaller in my dream.

I bring this up because I have had 3 dreams recently that were particularly interesting to me. In the first dream, I saw a young woman who had hung herself. She was hanging from a rotunda type area in a building which looked like an area where I work. She was wearing a long white dress, very old-fashioned looking. I started to climb the rungs on the wall to the right of her. I got several feet off the ground when I was suddenly filled with a sense of dread. I looked up and over my shoulder at the woman. I sensed that if I went any further, I would be in danger. I hesitated, wanting to climb further, but instead I climbed back down.

When I told this dream to Simone, she explained that sometimes the psyche takes on a protective role when an individual experiences some kind of trauma. My "actual self" had to be cut off in a sense so that she would not be harmed by the horrors of my reality. Now that I am no longer in danger, I no longer need that level of protection. But my psyche doesn't know that. So it sends me these images and roadblocks to interfere with progress, from getting too close to that area of my self that was protected. This is where many people get "stuck" in therapy and quit. 

There are several things that could be going on here for me. Although this dream came about right before I started to explore my sensuality and sexuality more, I can't help but feel there is a connection. When I was being abused, I had to completely shut down that side of myself. When I was being forced to masturbate on command, I couldn't allow myself to feel any pleasure at all. I couldn't allow my body to betray me in that way. And so I turned it to stone whenever he was near. After a few years of that, it can be difficult to completely rewire. I'm thrilled to say that I am able to orgasm so I don't think it's as bad as it could be. But I know it can be better. And my psyche may realize that I have this desire to finally let go, to finally feel everything. It may be in full alarm mode, warning me to go back before I do feel!

The second dream I had was about my biological father. My mother gave me 2 photos, one was my bio-dad, and the other I sensed was my brother (one I had never known about). The photo of bio-dad was in black and white. The man in it looked like he may have been a pilot, perhaps in the air force. I got that sense that it was from around WWII. I realize this makes no sense whatsoever, but that's the way it was. I couldn't really see the photo of my brother, I just knew that was what it was. When my mom gave me the photos, she also warned me not to seek out bio-dad because he's a member of the clergy now. Of course I was going to ignore her advice, and so I booked a flight to Florida, which is where he was living at the time. The next morning (in the dream), I woke up to a text message from my mom. She said to not oversleep because my flight was at 7:05am. I knew I had plenty of time so I got up and started getting things ready to go. Suddenly I realized it was 7:33am. I had missed my flight completely. I was devastated. Then I realized that the house I was in was on fire. I began to search for a way out and saw firemen and others outside the second floor window.

It's no secret that I want to find my biological father so it has been on my mind lately. I keep thinking I want to call the courthouse and request my adoption records, hoping for a clue. But I always "forget" until it's too late in the day to make the call. I feel like something is holding me back, although I'm not sure what. Perhaps this "forgetting" is similar to sleeping in in the dream. I had sabotaged my chance at meeting him. I don't know. It kind of makes sense though. As for the house being on fire, a house can sometimes represent your conscious. I'm still thinking about that one...

There is more to this whole story, but I think this is enough for one post. In the meanwhile, I would love to hear your opinions and dreams and their meanings! Have you ever had a dream that you felt was significant in some way?

Rachel

Doppelganger Dad

There is a symptom of PTSD that has really been bothering me lately. It's been a problem all along, but once I notice it, it comes up more frequently. 

Do you ever see someone who briefly looks just like someone that you know it can't be? Maybe your grandmother that has passed away, or a friend that lives hours away and has no reason to be where you are at the moment? For those that don't know, a doppelganger is a look-alike. It also has some other, more traditional and very interesting meanings which you can view here. (You're welcome) I have this all the time, except its my dad who is actually locked up in prison in northern Michigan. 

Usually this is a very brief feeling. I see someone that walks like him, or has hair like him or sometimes just reminds me of him for some reason. A split second later, I am back in reality, but still feel very shaken. I feel foolish for even having that reaction when I know he's locked up. I even check his prison page routinely to give myself a reality check and reassure myself that he's still there. (BTW, if they would update the photo more often, it would feel more real.)  I feel frustrated that this is even a part of my life. I feel vulnerable and unsafe, because someday, he won't be locked up. 

When I first disclosed the abuse, I was living in a dorm. I gave his photo and information to security and let them know he wasn't allowed near me. It actually made me feel more protected. I also had multiple male friends that I knew would protect me if it came to that.

But what about now that I'm the real world? I spend the day in the workplace, surrounded by co-workers, not close friends. If he walked through the door, no one would question it. We get all kinds of people visiting our residents. No one would warn me. No one would send him away or call the police. They would have no idea. I don't even want to think about what would happen if he showed up at our apartment when I was alone. I already have nightmares about it. 

I know the likelihood of him showing up within the next 3 years is 1 in 1 billion. But this isn't about what I think will really happen. It's about the feeling I get when I see someone like him. 

It actually happened today at work. I saw someone coming down the hallway while I was standing at the nurses station. I can't even tell you why it reminded me of him. I couldn't even tell you what the man looked like, because it doesn't matter. But I had to fight back tears. Not because of this single incident, but because earlier that day I saw someone in a pick-up truck (his vehicle of choice) that reminded me of him. And because there have been several other incidents lately. I feel like my life is being intruded upon.

In theory, this will get better once I "defeat" the power he has in my mind. Maybe then I will feel safer.

For now, I need to relax more. Anyone know of a good place to get a massage around here? :-P

For the record...here are a couple of my dopplegangers:

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Old photos - Roots

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebs

Rachel

Raging Goblin

My danders up. It started yesterday. Something deep inside me started simmering after I wrote my last blog post. I wasn't sure what it was at the time. I just had this uncomfortable restlessness - an agitation. I slept terrible all night long. I had nightmares about my step-dad, although now, I couldn't even tell you what happened in most of them. The one I do remember, I'd rather not share on here, because it was too terrible. I woke up feeling tired and emotionally needy. 

I went through the day like this, not sure exactly what all the emotions were bubbling up towards the surface. I came home, and watched an episode of Dr. Phil on DVR. It was an episode about a man with a sexual addiction. He had a pretty extreme problem, and his wife apparently had decided that the best course of action was to go to Dr. Phil. That same wife is also the mother of their 2 year old daughter. I'm not going to spell out all of this man's problems, but he did admit that he had felt aroused by his daughter sitting on his lap on 2 separate occasions. 

WHAT THE BLEEP IS WRONG WITH THIS WOMAN?!?!

Why in the world is she still living with him and putting her daughter in that situation? From everything that he had already admitted to, I would not be the least tiny bit surprised if he had already behaved inappropriately with her. And instead of leaving him, she goes on a TV show? Don't get me wrong, I'm a Dr. Phil fan, but for the love of Pete, use your brain! Use your maternal instincts! Don't you have any? She claimed she had wanted to take her daughter and run and never look back. Bullsh*t. If she wanted to, she would have. I was getting very angry. Then, the man starts "crying". I put it in quotes because there were ZERO tears.

And this was when my rage peaked. I wanted to call CPS right that minute. A lot of good it would have done - "Uh, yeah...I'm calling about the people on Dr. Phil..." I also realized that I had been feeling angry all day. I had been looking for a fight. I wanted someone to say the wrong thing about sex offendors or victims or children. I was angry and needed someone to be angry at. 

Once I understood the emotion, I realize that that has happened to me before. Some days I just want to go on a rampage. PLEASE, give me an excuse! I want to get angry and lose control!

Of course, it never happens. And truthfully, it's displaced anger. I should be angry at my step-dad. But he's not here. I can't see him. I can't scream at him. I can't shoot a gun in his face. 

So I need to find something to do with this anger before I just become a "Raging Goblin".

"He raged at the world, at his family, at
his life. But mostly he just raged."

I don't want to be angry at the wrong people. But right now, if I were to cross paths with any of the "right" people...heaven help them.

Rachel