Group Hug

When I feel like I'm getting a lot of support, understanding and love from people, I feel like I'm getting a big hug. Like my inner child is receiving the love she so longs for, and her natural light can shine through. I felt that way today. 

After I initiated wearing teal for National PTSD Awareness Day on Facebook, I had people let me know that they were doing just that. When I went into work, my co-worker commented that people don't generally have a lot of teal around their house if it's not a color they normally wear. All she had was a badge real. Luckily, I had thought ahead and brought my spool or teal ribbon with me and offered to let her have some. When I walked down the hallway later, I saw that she had her entire department wearing the ribbon. I was so thrilled I wanted to hug them all! She told me that everyone in the room now knew what PTSD was. How awesome is that?!

Honestly, I have never worked in a place with this many amazing co-workers. There's a few stinkers in the bunch, and we have our share of problems, but I love it. I feel so blessed by them and by all of my readers. 

Also, my last post was featured in the "Life" section on BlogHer, a massive women's blogging community. Please check it out here! I didn't get paid for it or anything like that, but I finally feel safe  to say:

I'm a writer.

Trust me, that's a big deal in Rachel Land.

Thanks again to all who wore teal or shared any kind of information on PTSD. 

Rachel

Beauty in the Breakdown

I know my last post sounded dramatic. My knee-jerk reaction is to apologize, but in reality, it's exactly what I was feeling and that this blog is about being honest about life after abuse. Moments of depression and anxiety are most certainly a significant part of that.

So I've shared how I felt, by what's more important is why I felt it. There were a lot of things going through my mind the last couple weeks. While each issue played a part in my mood change, there was one hanging over my head that I put off exploring. It struck me that I could be clinging to my label as "Survivor". With all this thought being put into defeating Dad in my mind, I've been forced to consider "What's next?" 

Like anyone else, I am sometimes afraid of change, and I know that there is one on the horizon. But I don't know exactly what that change will look like. Let's say I defeat him. Then what will I write about? Where will I find my inspiration? I've found an incredible amount of strength and inner confidence in the past 7 months or so. Without the pain, what more will I have to overcome? How will I feel strong and centered and inwardly beautiful? At my highest points throughout all this, that is exactly how I felt.

I know this sounds illogical. Why would I want to be in pain? Isn't the point of all this to heal? It certainly is, and of course, I don't want to be in pain. But on some level, it's all I know. Who am I without it? What kind of depth will my character have?

I've always had an overwhelming desire to feel special. Maybe that's part of what made me a good easy victim. I was eager to please, to be the "good child" and that was taken advantage of. However, I've felt like surviving my past without turning to drugs or alcohol or another abuse relationship made me special. Not giving up made me special. Being able to write about all of it made me special. So what makes me special when I'm not dealing with it anymore? When it's all been sorted through? Why should it even matter?

Well, I don't have an answer to that last question. When I figure that out, I'll let you know. However, I have some kind of answer to the rest. As part of my therapy tonight, I went to my happy place to have a pow-wow with my Actual Self. I needed to better understand this new realization and what it would mean for the future. She reminded me that even though I may deal with my past, I'll have learned a whole new skill set in terms of dealing with any of life's pain, because pain is inevitable in all human lives. In fully processing my past and my emotions, I will better be able to identify it in others, and be able to relate to them on a whole other level. If I can learn to write while dealing with all of this, there is no reason I can't write about other things in life later. And speaking of later in life, my Actual Self also reminded me that at different times in my life, I may have a whole new set of things to deal with relating to my past. For example, he may be a free man 2 weeks after my birthday in 2015. The reality of him being able to physically be out in the world again is a scary thought right now. Having children will certainly change things, as I imagine I will struggle with being over-protective and paranoid. So I will need to revisit things from time to time.

Another thing I realized tonight is that defeating my dad in my mind, is really defeating his power over me. I hope that this will make his prison release easier for me to deal with. If I can know in my heart and not just my mind that he is a weak old man, I will feel much safer. 

Today, I am feeling much better. Having explored that feeling has lifted a weight off my shoulders. I know there will be more difficult days ahead, but that's life and that's healing. I'm ready to face the next portion of my path. It looks a little brighter now than it did before. In my imagination, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and once I reach it, I explode into a burst of colorful light, freed, empowered and ready to fly.

Yeah, it's abstract. Just roll with it.

Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive since I shared how I was feeling. Studdly Hubby has been especially attentive to my "Love Tank" this week and I know I would have sunk much deeper into the dark place had he not. My (2nd) adopted big brother has really had my back as well. He really puts a lot of thought into the words he chooses. Ironically, my first adopted big brother is a lot like him in that sense. What can I say, I know how to pick 'em. :-D Thank you to those of you who shared that you could relate. Feeling special and feeling alone are two very different things, and you helped me feel less alone.

And because I love music (and I <3 Frou Frou):

"Drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply"

Have a great weekend!!

Rachel

A Shift in Perspective

Ok, first and foremost...

I'M FAMOUS!

Not really, but, I was quoted via my blog in a post that had thousands of views! Here's the lowdown. I am a member of a blogging network called BlogHer. I've posted a few things on there, and have also "Liked" them on Facebook. They post links on there several times a day. Today I was looking it over and got very excited when I saw one about Vaginismus. I followed the link to see what they had to say. It was basically an article explaining what it is. And then, on the second page, they used an excerpt my blog! With my name! And a link back to my blog!

Moving on...

I watched "The Secret" on Netflix a couple days ago. I remember having heard about the book when it came out. There was a lot of hype around it, but I never got around to reading it. I had a friend who had read it, and he summed it up by saying it was basically about imaging what you want in life. That was more or less it. The documentary/website makes it all seem very mystical, like its this powerful secret that the rich and powerful have been keeping from us for centuries. It's not. It's pure psychology + good old fashioned hard work. (By the way, it sort of brushes over that second part because that is not a popular notion and doesn't sell books.)

However, that doesn't mean it doesn't work.

In the midst of spring cleaning, I came across my old "dream board" that I had made at the beginning of 2010. The idea was to put up images that related to goals in Avon sales. When I pulled it out, I realized that I had achieved 3 out of 4 of my goals, without even realizing it. I wanted a new couch, health insurance, to pay off my car and a trip to Disney World. My new couch will be delivered tomorrow, I'm going to Disney World for my delayed honeymoon next week and our health insurance kicks in in April. I was stunned! 

Watching "The Secret" and finding my dream board really caused me to do some soul searching. What else had I gotten in life that I wanted? How else had the supposed secret worked for me when I didn't even realize that was what I was doing?  For one, I met Studdly Hubby, married him and am currently living happily ever after with him. Bonus: He chose a more lucrative career path along the way! I wanted a new job, and found one within 2 weeks. I wanted/needed a car a couple years ago, and we got one. I'm sure there are LOTS more examples in my life, but these are the ones coming to mind right now.

So where do I go from here? It's time to make a new dream board! I've been thinking about it a little, and there a few things I know I want to be represented on it:

• A published book
• Babies
• More blog readership/recognition
• A healthier body
• A college degree
• More to come later..

Anyway, besides wanting more, this all made me feel very grateful for what I have. I came from a terrible life, to being happily married and independent, with food on the table and clothes on my back. We still struggle financially, but we're getting by and then some. While going through my therapy, I tend to spend a lot of time "in my head". I think about my problems, how I'm going to write about my problems, how my problems affect/create other problems. It's not a great state of mind to stay in. This realization has helped me shift my focus. While I fully intend to keep up with my healing process, I can also focus on what I want in the future, both near and far. I need to see a more complete picture of my life, and take a step back and gain new perspective. 

Rachel

SOC

I've been feeling a bit uninspired lately when it comes to writing, so I'm stealing a page out of Momma Resa's book and doing a "stream of consciousness" post - basically just writing what comes to mind.

At the moment, I'm feeling lonely. I have Studdly Hubby here next to me, and we're great. My "marital love tank" is full. But something is missing. This is something I feel from time to time. For a while I thought perhaps it came from living in too-small houses with a too-big family to being just the two of us. And maybe that is part of it. But it's not really about quantity; it's about quality. I'm feeling a need for connections. I've kind of lost touch with a couple of my best friends. One recently married and moved to California. The other recently married and is living in Michigan (we were in her EPIC wedding). I'll be the first to admit that I am terrible with long distance relationships. And I don't completely connect with that many people. There is only a small handful of people that I consider to be my sisters. (That means you Kristina and Alaine!) 

Me on the left, Studdly Hubby on the right

My Kristina and I

Now I have a new job and I'm longing to make connections there. But it's not the kind of job where there is a lot of time to sit and chat. I should probably make more of an effort to see some of my co-workers outside of work, but I have realized in this past year that I have some mild social anxiety. I blame this on not being allowed to go out or to visit friends when I was younger and especially a teenager, along with carrying around a disgusting secret. 

Regardless of the reason, I get nervous. I really have to psych myself up if I'm going to go to something outside of work. One-on-one and very small groups are better than parties and big groups. Those almost cripple me socially. I panic and worry that I'm going to be judged. An example of this is the NYE party Studdly Hubby and I went to this year. It was at his friend's house in New Palestine. I really like his friend and his friend has really great friends from what I can tell. They were all playing Dance Central. The whole time they were playing, I kept thinking "That looks like so much fun! We need to get this game!" But to embarrass myself by playing it with an audience of strangers? There was no freaking way. Inhibited does even begin to describe it.

In other news, I'm hoping to begin monthly get-togethers with my mother-in-law and aunts-in-law. We're trying to get a date nailed down for February to meet for dinner. There the closest family I have (geographically speaking) and they are awesome women. I could really benefit from having them in my life more than 2-3 times a year! I think this will help my feelings of loneliness as well. I have no doubt that part of it is due to the relationship I have with my mom right now and not knowing my father. These are things that are really important to me right now. 

Anyway, thanks for reading. It feels good to flex my blog muscle a little. ;-)

Rachel

2010 In Review

I always write this sort of "update" one way or another every year, but this year has been especially exciting for me!

Last January I was working at Curves as Assistant Manager. I loved working with all the members and was in the best shape of my life. I was also had a growing Avon business. But a new opportunity showed itself in late February. I interviewed for a position as a Marketing Coordinator for a licensed personal care agency. They had narrowed down the applicants to one other woman and myself, and offered the position to her. A month later I received the phone call that she did not work out and was offered the position. I of course accepted and tried my hand at marketing. 

During this time, I met some amazing people, who I am blessed to call my friends. However, even though I did make some great personal connections, I struggled professionally. I did my best, but never felt like it was enough. I had the opportunity to attend a training session with the company in Dayton, OH and hoped things would improve after that. I came back with a lot of renewed enthusiasm. But things did not improve as I had hoped. It soon became clear to me that I was not the right person for my job.

Right around the time when I was giving up home, someone told me about a position as an assistant to the Social Services Director at a beautiful new facility in Lafayette. I spoke with the SSD and quit my job the following week. It was time for a change. I started working in social services part-time as well as in the activities department on December 6th and haven't looked back. I am thrilled with both positions, but will work exclusively in social services when that position goes full-time.

On top of all this, I started therapy again back in August. I was angry and anxious and knew I needed to make some changes in my life. Once there, it took me 2-3 sessions to fully explain my whole situation to my therapist. Without doing so, I don't know that I would have had the courage to seek out a new position.

Very shortly thereafter, I started my little blog. :-) It's the first time in my life I've felt like I really had a hobby that I really enjoyed and could stick with. But more than that, it has helped me to process a lot of things by forcing me to find words for them. At the same time, it's given me the opportunity to connect with other people who have been through similar situations, or can even relate to part of something I blogged. I've found strength through seeing others move forward and believe that I've been able to do the same for them.

Studdly Hubby...being studdly

For me, 2010 was about personal growth. My poor husband has been along for quite a ride! He's managed to be incredibly supportive at my absolute darkest moments, all the while continuing to work on his degree. Three cheers for awesome husbands!!

Next post: 2011: Goals and Expectations!

Have a lovely night!

Rachel

Blogging

I came across "The Ten Stages of Blogging" the other day (which you can access here) and can safely say that I am at stage 4: Obsession.  If you're curious:


 "4. Obsession. You begin reading everything you can get your hands on about how to grow your blog. You spend hours commenting on other people’s blogs. You get on twitter. Establish a facebook page. Start participating in memes and blog carnivals. Join SITS. And, of course, continue pouring your heart and soul into every post you write (and you write lots of posts)."

Well, I find it hilarious anyway...because it's true. *sigh*

I find it amusing that what was once going to be a totally anonymous blog seen only by me, is now something that is growing in readership every month (December has already surpassed November and we are only half-way through!). 

At this stage, I am starting to read other people's blogs. It's a little frustrating to me that my favorite blogs are always so humorous and there just isn't much room for that in my particular blog. Side note: Mommy Blogs are HOT right now! I'm thinking of starting one about being a mommy to Char and Bella. 

No?

Moving on...

I'm always excited to read those funny blogs. I want to see what they have to say today. What amusing anecdote have they come up with? The problem is, who would ever feel that way about my blog? It's not sunshine and unicorns and rainbows.

But on the other hand, I haven't come across as many blogs about sexual abuse. There are some, but not many. Also, it's not written for mass appeal. It's written for survivor's looking for support. For families and loved ones of survivors, that they might further understand what they are going through. Of course I would like more exposure so that I can more readily reach those people.

I guess I wrote this more to talk myself through it. Oh well. Worked for me! :-D

Rachel

Your Stories

Since starting this blog, many people who have stumbled upon it have shared with me their own stories. Some told me their whole story. Some gave me a very abridged version. Some told me simply that they had been sexually abused or assaulted. Others shared that someone close to them had experienced this trauma. Not long ago, I was sitting with a friend in Fazoli's crying about her story, and then laughing together at ourselves for crying unexpectedly in Fazoli's! 

According to http://www.rainn.org, 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime, and I believe that is a conservative estimate since many still never disclose or report the incident, and 80% of them will be under 30. It is now fairly common knowledge that sexual assault is an out of control problem in our country. However, hearing the numbers is very different from talking to the victims and survivors. When I realized how many people I have been interacting with have been assaulted, I started to view the world in a different way. Most of the people I've known here in Lafayette still do not know my story. Therefore, many of them have not had the opportunity to share if they have experienced that trauma. 

My point is simply that you never know what has happened in someone's life to make them the way they are. I always try to remember this when dealing with someone behaving unpleasantly. Maybe they're caring around a lot of anger. Maybe they are weeping on the inside, filled with a sorrow they cannot face. Maybe they are so caught up in their own situation, they can barely even see anyone else around them. I mean, who would ever guess that taper candles freak me out? I try to be a little more patient with people, because you just don't know. Wouldn't you want someone to show you a little mercy in less than ideal circumstances?

That being said, I don't think being a victim is ever an excuse for bad behavior. While we are often unable to control what happens TO us, we can control, to an extent, how we respond to it, how we choose to live our lives, and the people we become. Maybe if we can all show a little more patience, and become more aware of our own behaviors, the world may just be a little more pleasant.

So much for "no more blogging" this week! I'm an addict!! ;-) Happy Thanksgiving!

Get Help

Happy Thanksgiving

Dear Readers,

This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for many things.

I'm thankful for an incredibly supportive husband who hasn't faltered once throughout all my "drama". He also reads each and every one of my blog posts (partly because he knows I'll pester him til he does), and knows when to offer insight and when to just hold me.

I'm thankful for my therapist, and my decision to begin therapy again. I feel like a different person than I was a year ago, or even six months ago. It's been incredibly exciting, scary and not without tears, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm thankful for my readers. When I first started this blog, it was a terrifying and liberating experience. I've always been one to worry about what people think, so sharing so openly has been no easy feat for me. But you have all been so supportive. You encouraged me at my lowest points. You've shared your own stories with me that reminded me of why I'm doing this. You've shown me that I do have something to offer the world, which is something I really struggled with my whole life. You've shared my blogs with others. I thank each and every one of you.

This list could go on, but I'm just writing a short post tonight. I am giving myself the rest of the week off from blogging to enjoy the holiday. This is assuming I don't have any breakthroughs, nothing of significance happens and I don't get too bored. :-) 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thank You Readers!

I have received so much positive feedback since I started this blog! I thank everyone single one of you who has taken the time to read any of this or show your support. Your words truly uplift me and help me get through a rough day. A kind word goes a long way.
Although there are a lot things stressing me out right now, a lot of things are going really well also! As part of my quest to get more educational programs in schools regarding child sexual abuse, I am going to the monthly meeting for Greater Lafayette Sexual Assault Prevention Coalition (GLSAPC). Although children are not their target demographic, I'm hoping they can help me with this project.

Also, I found a sexual assault support group in the area! Apparently in all of Lafayette/West Lafayette there is only one. I think it would be helpful for me to sit down in a therapeutic setting with other survivors. I like the idea of being supported by them as well as offering my support. Unfortunately I missed this month's meeting so I'll have to wait until October, but if it goes as quickly as September did it will be here before I know it!

Thanks again for reading. And please, share this blog with anyone that might get something out of it!

Exploring the Boxes

I thought I had remembered everything. But it's amazing what can happen when you open yourself to possibility. I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to write about all this. My memories don't tend to be a chronological story. I remember glimpses of things. I was talking to my therapist about memories and she said it might be possible that I will remember more things. I've told my husband my whole story. I told the story again to a detective, and then to a courtroom full of people. I've shared a few details in different counseling sessions. But between there and here, I've packaged up some memories, labeled them, and stored them in the back corners of my mind, where you put other things you no longer need. They've been dealt with, so why dwell on them? I don't think there is anything wrong with that approach, but it doesn't serve my purposes. If I want to help people, I have to remember how it all happened. I need them to be able to relate to my story. If I'm too disconnected, it may not ring a bell for them. After my post "Writing the Memories", I realized how disconnected I had become. In order to write any details, I couldn't just look at the label on the box. I had to open it and explore it's contents.  It was very uncomfortable, but I allowed myself to continue, knowing that there was a point to it all. It required me to be very honest with myself. 

A day or two later, I was driving my work car. As I turned a corner, I noticed how I was holding the steering wheel my forefinger and thumb. A new glimpse of a memory returned; another sensation I had blocked out. On many occasions, he would force me to stroke him to orgasm. He would have me hold his penis in my hand, or sometimes physically place my hand on him. I couldn't imagine touching anything more disgusting. I would rather have picked up the feces left behind by the family dog in the backyard. I touched him as little as possible, using only my forefinger and thumb. I looked in the other direction. He would then force me to watch, and would place his hand over mine to grip him more firmly. "You're not going to break it." he said, as if though that outcome would upset me in some way. I would pull away at the first opportunity, which was either when his adventure was interrupted by Mom or one of my sisters, or when he started to ejaculate and was happy to finish the job without me so that he could control the  mess.

Ugh, looking this over, my writing seems all over the place. But that's ok. For now I just need to get it all out. Editing will come much later!

Totally Worth It

Earlier this week, I posted a note on FB that put it all on the line (see post "Posted on Facebook"). I've decided to turn over a new leaf and be more open about my past, partly to help others, but also for my own peace of mind. After keeping that secret for so many years, I start to become uneasy when it feels like a secret again. 


ANYWAY...
The response I got from the one post was overwhelming.  One in particular meant more to me than I can put into words. It was from a woman I know who has dealt with, and is dealing with her own emotional turmoil. Well, I won't try to explain what she said. Here it is:
"You're making me cry.

I think of what you have been through fairly often - because I think you are so amazing. When I'm struggling with something, I think of the strength you had, and I know I can get through it, too.

I also wonder from time to time how you are doing, because I know those things don't just go away.

I want you to know that you are amazing, and your experiences do help people. You've helped me in more ways than you know."

My ultimate goal is simple - to help people. I want to inspire people to hold on when things get tough; to keep working towards bettering themselves, even when it may seem easier to not deal with their problems at all. I hope that when someone is struggling, they can think of me and find inspiration. That isn't because I went through something worse than them - I don't think you can compare people's suffering - but rather they see that I haven't given up. I haven't done it perfectly, but I'm still a work in progress. By being more open, I hope others realize this. When this woman responded to my post, I knew it had all been worth it.  I helped someone. I can't imagine any greater success in my life. I could go on to finish a degree (FINALLY), go on to get a master's, a PhD, or make a million dollars. None of that could ever possible mean more to me than knowing I made a difference in someone's life. 

There were other responses as well. I was described as beautiful, courageous, powerful, thoughtful, talented, amazing...I'm finally starting to believe some of it - at least that I have something to offer the world; that I did accomplish something through my survival.

Learning to write...

Learning to write. I was good at it when I was younger…much younger. But I think I might be able to relearn the skill. I think I need to. I want to help other survivors. There are so many ways I could do that, and I’m still figuring out that path.

I had a business lunch today with a woman who specializes in retirement life coaching, but also happens to be a marriage and family therapist. Over the course of conversation, Lisa was talking about an art teacher that showed her that art was something she could have a lot of potential in and how that inspired her to want to be an art teacher. The therapist then turned to me and asked me what “my thing” was. I told I never really had a thing, so she asked what it would have been if someone would have cultivated it in me a little more. The first thing that came to mind was writing. I remember my teachers encouraging me when I was very young in that subject, however, when things at home starting to become more difficult, they were just happy if I turned in my homework, which didn’t happen all that often. She suggested that perhaps I could try writing again by simply sitting down and writing whatever came to mind. So here we are!!

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my therapist, Simone, about how few books seemed to be able dealing with sexual dysfunction among survivors of sexual assault. She pointed out that the awareness about sexual abuse alone is fairly recent. As we got talking she commented that I might be one of the people to write a book about it someday. This planted a seed. At the time I thought it would be something I work on far in the future, but as things progressed, I felt incredibly inspired to start sooner than that…today!

As I was driving home from therapy, a million ideas ran through my mind. I don’t what form this will take, but I’m just going to go with my gut. I plan on posting these things on here. If anyone is reading this, maybe they will provide some feedback! That’s all I have for today. Too distracted by this awesome playlist I made on iTunes. J

xkcd.com