Losing My Trust

So here's a fun twist. I woke up this morning and checked out Facebook on my phone, as I do every morning. My cousin had posted this link to a news story.

In a nutshell, it's about a man who was arrested on charges of possessing and distributing child pornography. According to investigators, he was "considered the largest and most active trader using peer-to-peer software". Horrifying, right? Awesome that they caught him, right? Agreed. 

Although I find myself especially horrified because I know this man. He was a year behind me in our small grade school. Because we went to a small parochial school, two grades shared a classroom, so we were in the same classroom every other year. We grew up together in a sense. I can recall chasing him around the playground. I had a little bit of a crush on him for awhile. And we've been friends on Facebook for several years now. Well, until this morning.

I can't say I know him well enough to offer any kind of judgement on his character, but I can't help but be stunned by this. Of all the people that I would have even slightly thought capable of a fraction of the horrific nature of something like this, he never would have crossed my mind.

At first, I felt appropriately removed from this story. I didn't really know him that well. But the more I thought about it, the more upset I became. I started to realize I'm losing my trust in people.

I was talking about this with Aaron tonight and he would claim that I already don't trust people. I disagreed. I  told him I think I am a very trusting person, especially all things considered. He reminded me that I don't depend on people. While that's true, there is a difference between trusting people to follow through on things and trusting them to not harm me or my loved ones. What I'm talking about is the latter. 

Part of this is also brought on by the Penn State scandal coverage. Sandusky was a man people were supposed to be able to trust. No one suspected anything like that was going on. Supposedly, some people were shocked by my own story when it first came out. And the late-to-the-party icing on the cake, Aaron's dad is a pedophile too. I most certainly never suspected him of such a thing before it came out.

So who can I really trust? And how does this play out in my life? I'm not worried about myself. I'm strong. If someone tries to take advantage of me, they're not going to get far. Same goes for my husband. But I want a family someday. I want to have children. I feel ready for that, but I worry about how I'm going to live with the constant fear that they will be victimized by someone we know. But even without children, and without being frightened for my own safety, its a scary thought that we are working and living around these closet perverts. 

Wouldn't it be great if they all had some kind of symbol on their foreheads so we could identify them instantly? 

I'm so frustrated by this whole thing. I've always seen myself as someone who believes there is a lot of good in this world despite the evil I've experienced. I still want to believe that, but it's getting harder. I've struggling with my sense of self in general lately, but that's another soon-to-come post.

Please, can someone give me another perspective on any of this?

Rachel

Riled Up/Call for Change

Have you seen that video yet about the 16-year old girl that secretly taped her father beating her with a belt for 8 minutes? Me neither. Actually, I watched the first 30 seconds. I couldn't make myself go on. But here's an article that will fill you in on the details: click here. And it's not just the beating that's horrifying, but him screaming at her that he's going to beat her "into submission" and her mother telling her to turn over and take it like a woman. Yeah. She said that. Oh, and did I mention that he's a judge that has ruled in child abuse cases? And that the girl is now 23 and there is only a 5 year statute of limitations on child abuse cases?

I don't know why this particular story has me so mad, but I AM STEAMED. It's probably a combination of things, but that's not where I'm going with this. I'm not just mad at this idiot. I'm mad at ALL the idiots. Men (and women) are getting away with this everyday. And so many think they can get away with it or that there's nothing wrong with it. There is some discussion in the article about the fine line between discipline and abuse. Well, let me help clear it up.

THIS WAS WRONG. THIS WAS ABUSE.

I don't give two shits about the people belly-aching that child abuse laws are too strict, or that they're afraid to discipline their children. If you use half a brain, you'll be fine!! What's more I don't care who this offends anymore. I'm sick of the ignorance. Both people being ignorant about the effects of abuse and thinking that they are entitled to handing out this kind of degrading punishment and the people who just don't seem to care, even if they don't abuse their children.

We have to work together!

Survivors of any kind of abuse, I'm begging you to find your voice. Speak up. We have to do something to help the next generation and the generation after that. I know I'm asking a lot. I know a lot of you have never told anyone what you've been through. I know a lot of you have "dealt with it" and don't see any reason to revisit your past in anyway. I get that. I really do.  But look into the eyes of a child. There's your reason. 

Can you imagine the impact if every man and woman who was abused as a child stood up and shared their story? What if we all worked together for harsher sentences for child abuses? What if we worked together to prevent child abuse? What if we worked together to educate our communities on how they can prevent child abuse and what signs to look for in children that may be being abused?

Please, help me help our future children. There are a lot of good people and organizations out there that you can get involved with. Volunteer for them. Donate money to keep nonprofits running. Be open and honest about your story. And seek help for yourself.

I'm sorry for the angry tone of this post, but I'm not sorry for anything I said in it. Something has got to give. If you have any ideas on how we can get a lot of people to have their voice heard all across the country to really get something started, by all means, let me know. I'm not saying I have the answers, but I do see some problems.

Thank you.
Rachel

A Few Things...

I have about a billion things on my mind right now, so I'll just dive in.

It's very difficult to describe how difficult it is to let go of my past, to let go of being a victim. I want to be strong and to overcome, but giving up the familiarity of everything that happened has felt a bit like giving up a part of my identity. I want to feel something about it all. I want it to matter for something. I have to find a way to find meaning in it all. But finding the balance between respecting the past and moving forward is not as simple as it sounds. But something clicked today. I deserve everything this life has to offer. I deserve a family. I deserve a happy marriage. I deserve to be happy...because of the past. I've been as low as can possibly be. And I think I'm about ready to come out on the other side. To take a deep breathe in the sunlight. To let go of the angst. None of this means that I'm going to stop processing any of it or working through it in therapy. On the contrary, I'm ready to take the next step, whatever that may be, instead of being held back by the past. I'll still have difficult days. I may still have nightmares. I may still feel like an alien walking around this world, but I'm determined to find accept happiness. 

I find it strange that this is what I've been considering today. Last night, I had a terrible nightmare. I ended up crying in the middle of the night, which never happens. Without going into all the details, I can tell you that in the dream, I am being mercilessly beat by my dad. My tears and sweat were mixed with my own blood. I felt like a dog, cowering in a corner. Have you ever seen a dog being punched and beat by it's master? It's a horrible sight, that always makes my stomach turn. I woke up in physical pain. My lower back, pelvis and right hip hurt terribly. I pulled out my heating pad and that seemed to alleviate most of it, although when finally woke up again at 10:00 in the morning, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. It seemed like my whole body hurt. I had a headache, my heart hurt and my hips, pelvis and back were aching again. As the day has gone on, I've started to feel better, except for my hips.  It seems counterintuitive that accepting happiness would be on my mind after all this.

On the other hand, Aaron and I have been discussing family planning, and I've been a little obsessed with that as well. Also, I had a graduation audit done through Concordia to see where I was at. I've been planning on taking one class next semester, but I wanted to make sure I didn't need anymore. I don't want to draw this out any longer than I have to! Word came back that I will be done this semester. That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm getting a college diploma for Christmas. Its so close I can taste it. This is a dream I've had for almost a decade, and I can't believe it's about to come true. 

I also can't believe what an amazing husband I have. Aaron is a good man. I am a strong person and I've worked hard to overcome a lot so far. But I honestly believe that I may not still be alive had I not met him when I did. Either my dad would have beat me within an inch of my life to shut me up and I would just give up, or, I hate to admit it, I would have taken my own life. My life was becoming more and more dangerous, and Aaron was right by my side, encouraging me, supporting me, and giving me the strength to make the necessary changes in my life.  Other than a handful of people who were with us everyday on campus, I don't think many people understand everything he did for me, and continues to do. Eventually, I was in a place emotionally where I could give back to him as well, which is easy to do, all things considered. I guess all I'm trying to say is this: Aaron is a man that adds to my happiness daily, and I love him more daily. 7 years of love and counting. <3

"Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart." - Robert Sexton

Rachel

I'm 26

I had a birthday recently. I am now 26 years old. Once it happened, I realized on was on the "other side" of 25. I'm now closer to 30 than I am to 20. I can't explain, but this birthday brought an internal shift. I finally feel like an adult as opposed to a young girl playing house. I no longer feel like a "young adult". So what's the significance of that? 

Baby fever.

Yep, it's back. There are several factors that play into that. For one, I always thought I would be done having children by the time I was 30. If you do the math: 3 kids+2 parents graduated from school+2 stable jobs-4 years=Not gonna happen in that time frame. Unless I have triplets when I'm 29. Which, given the option, I'd rather a have a couple in my 30's!!

*cozy*

Also, the weather is turning colder. I also get into a "nesting" mood this time of year. I want to make my home as pleasant and cozy as I can for us. I want home-cooked meals and weekends spent at home with Studdly Hubby. And I want a family. Speaking of which, I also feel even more secure in my relationship with Studdly Hubby's family. Not that they've ever given me reason not to, but when you learn early on that family isn't to be trusted or depended on it makes it difficult to form those bonds. But it does my heart so much good to be with them, and I know that if we had a child, it would be a beautiful addition to that family. I feel like I belong, and that's important to me. So often I feel like an alien in this world...Along the same lines as family and cool weather is the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas tie together those bonds of coziness and kids and grandparents in a big way, and I'm not immune to it. So much of the magic of Christmas is for children and I miss that. I try to create a romantic Christmas for us, to value this time we have without children, but something is missing, more so now than at the beginning of our marriage. That had a magic all its own. 

Also, I wanted to go to Disney World before we had children. So we did. We both want to be done with school. I should be done in Spring. It's not lost on me that if I were to get pregnant now, I would be a college graduate by the time baby was here. Although Aaron will be done in a year and a half. That's really close! Should I start taking pre-natal vitamins now? Should we start saving for a baby now? Should I talk to my ob-gyn about what I need to start doing to be as healthy as possible before we get pregnant? Maybe if I could be doing some of these things now, it would make the wait easier. It would give it a different meaning. The other major thing we are waiting for is for Studdly Hubby to get a good secure job. That can't happen until he graduates, and even then we don't really know how soon it will happen. We've got our hopes up about some things, so we'll see how all that goes. 

Anyway, that's where I am right now. I feel calm, peaceful and ready. 

Rachel

DINKS?

I've had a couple things buzzing around my brain lately. School is obviously one of them. I'm getting myself geared up for this crazy semester and enjoying my last few moments of freedom before they are eaten up by homework/studying/research.  The second is babies.

Normally when I bring up babies it's because I'm longing to start a family of my own. But I have a lot of concerns in doing so. When you look at the statistics of child sexual abuse, the perpetrator is almost always someone close to the family, or someone trusted. This point is even more exaggerated by the fact that Aaron's dad is currently serving time for being a pedophile. So what are you supposed to do? You can't go through life not trusting anyone. You can't keep your child strapped to your hip 24/7/365. The thought of something happening to my child terrifies me - and he/she doesn't even exist. 

Aaron made the comment that I can't let that fear rule my life, and he's right, but I can't shake it. For me, it feels like a huge risk to bring a child into this life when I know how damaging a traumatic experience can be. I've had more than one person tell me it's "worth the risk", but for me, that kind of comment belittles my experience. When you've been through what I've been through, you can decide if it's worth the risk.

They made it work.

So I did what I always do when I'm facing a decision or new idea. I research it. I started looking into the intentionally child-free lifestyle, which includes individuals and couples who have chosen, for a variety of reasons, to not have children or adopt. There are a lot of good reasons that people choose this and there are a lot of perks that come with it. I've been trying to imagine my life without children. Aaron and I would be what is known as DINKs - Double Income No Kids. We could settle down in a nicer smaller house than I originally dreamed. We could travel as much as we wanted to. We could pick everything up and move across the country without worrying about the affect it would have on children. We would have more time and attention for each other. We could have nicer cars and nicer things.

On the other hand, the fantasy feels lonely. Although having children to heal loneliness doesn't seem fair either. But "things" can't replace a child. I just don't know that I could ever be happy in giving up a family. I've been trying to ask myself why I want children. I can't come up with a good reason. Honestly, I can't come up with a good reason for anyone to start a family. Most of us feel the need to because it's a natural urge, but now that our planet doesn't require us to populate it, I think we have the luxury to stop and really think about whether or not its the best decision for each person/couple. I think Aaron and I would make great parents. I think I have a strong maternal instinct and a fairly good intuition about people, and Aaron even more so. If a child were to come into our life, we would accept it and love it with all we have. I'm just not sure at this point if I want to seek that child out. 

Maybe this is a phase I'm going through. Maybe in a few years when Aaron is out of school and we both have jobs and the idea of starting a family is an immediate possibility I'll feel different. Heck, I might feel different in a month. Or maybe not. I don't know. But I feel like it was important to share this, because I know there are other survivors out there that feel the same way.

It's how I feel. You don't have to agree or disagree. Just try to understand.

Rachel

Quick Thought

My blog has been a little quiet for the past or so. Studdly Hubby left Thursday for a 10 week internship in Colorado, so I was trying to spend as much time as I could with him and adjust to him being gone. I suspect it's going to be a long summer. 

I hadn't even planned on posting anything tonight, but I just stumbled on a video that totally stunned me and I had to share:

In case the video doesn't work, here's the original link. It's a dancing performance of "All the Single Ladies" by a group of little girls in black knee highs and a little red 2-piece outfit. I don't know what's worse - that this even happened, or the response from the audience. They seemed thrilled! Don't get me wrong, the girls were all very talented, but the dance is very sexual! It was bizarre to even watch it!

If your daughter was a part of this, would you put a stop to it? Or is it "performance art"? Thoughts?

Rachel