Catch-up

Well hello readers! Remember me? I hope so...I've not been blogging as much lately, for a couple reasons. For one, I find it harder to write when there isn't any angst to write about. Also, I have been making very good progress on my book. A couple weekends ago, I locked myself in my apartment and just decided to get going on it. I finally feel like I have a good plan for it, and so far it's working out.

*Visualizing the end goal*

Besides that, I'm practically and mentally preparing for classes to begin this fall. To complete my BA in Psychology from Concordia, I need to take a math class, a science class, complete my senior project and 12 credits in electives. I'm taking the science class this fall as well as an elective. I'm also going to do my senior project. I had to write a proposal to officially register for it so I was working on that last week and this weekend.  In case you're curious, I am creating a support group for adult female survivors of child sexual abuse. I'm a little nervous about some aspects of it, but really excited about others. Hoping my proposal will be approved quickly so I can get started on it. I plan for the group to run for 6 weeks, so that's a decent chunk of the semester right there, which leaves less time for research and writing. 

I've had some topics floating around in my brain that I've been meaning to blog about though...babies, Harry Potter from a Jungian perspective, progress made in my sex life...Hopefully I'll get a chance to work on them soon!

Rachel

Beauty in the Breakdown

I know my last post sounded dramatic. My knee-jerk reaction is to apologize, but in reality, it's exactly what I was feeling and that this blog is about being honest about life after abuse. Moments of depression and anxiety are most certainly a significant part of that.

So I've shared how I felt, by what's more important is why I felt it. There were a lot of things going through my mind the last couple weeks. While each issue played a part in my mood change, there was one hanging over my head that I put off exploring. It struck me that I could be clinging to my label as "Survivor". With all this thought being put into defeating Dad in my mind, I've been forced to consider "What's next?" 

Like anyone else, I am sometimes afraid of change, and I know that there is one on the horizon. But I don't know exactly what that change will look like. Let's say I defeat him. Then what will I write about? Where will I find my inspiration? I've found an incredible amount of strength and inner confidence in the past 7 months or so. Without the pain, what more will I have to overcome? How will I feel strong and centered and inwardly beautiful? At my highest points throughout all this, that is exactly how I felt.

I know this sounds illogical. Why would I want to be in pain? Isn't the point of all this to heal? It certainly is, and of course, I don't want to be in pain. But on some level, it's all I know. Who am I without it? What kind of depth will my character have?

I've always had an overwhelming desire to feel special. Maybe that's part of what made me a good easy victim. I was eager to please, to be the "good child" and that was taken advantage of. However, I've felt like surviving my past without turning to drugs or alcohol or another abuse relationship made me special. Not giving up made me special. Being able to write about all of it made me special. So what makes me special when I'm not dealing with it anymore? When it's all been sorted through? Why should it even matter?

Well, I don't have an answer to that last question. When I figure that out, I'll let you know. However, I have some kind of answer to the rest. As part of my therapy tonight, I went to my happy place to have a pow-wow with my Actual Self. I needed to better understand this new realization and what it would mean for the future. She reminded me that even though I may deal with my past, I'll have learned a whole new skill set in terms of dealing with any of life's pain, because pain is inevitable in all human lives. In fully processing my past and my emotions, I will better be able to identify it in others, and be able to relate to them on a whole other level. If I can learn to write while dealing with all of this, there is no reason I can't write about other things in life later. And speaking of later in life, my Actual Self also reminded me that at different times in my life, I may have a whole new set of things to deal with relating to my past. For example, he may be a free man 2 weeks after my birthday in 2015. The reality of him being able to physically be out in the world again is a scary thought right now. Having children will certainly change things, as I imagine I will struggle with being over-protective and paranoid. So I will need to revisit things from time to time.

Another thing I realized tonight is that defeating my dad in my mind, is really defeating his power over me. I hope that this will make his prison release easier for me to deal with. If I can know in my heart and not just my mind that he is a weak old man, I will feel much safer. 

Today, I am feeling much better. Having explored that feeling has lifted a weight off my shoulders. I know there will be more difficult days ahead, but that's life and that's healing. I'm ready to face the next portion of my path. It looks a little brighter now than it did before. In my imagination, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and once I reach it, I explode into a burst of colorful light, freed, empowered and ready to fly.

Yeah, it's abstract. Just roll with it.

Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive since I shared how I was feeling. Studdly Hubby has been especially attentive to my "Love Tank" this week and I know I would have sunk much deeper into the dark place had he not. My (2nd) adopted big brother has really had my back as well. He really puts a lot of thought into the words he chooses. Ironically, my first adopted big brother is a lot like him in that sense. What can I say, I know how to pick 'em. :-D Thank you to those of you who shared that you could relate. Feeling special and feeling alone are two very different things, and you helped me feel less alone.

And because I love music (and I <3 Frou Frou):

"Drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply"

Have a great weekend!!

Rachel

Deep Inside I'm Bleeding

*(Lyrics below...)

I am in a funk. A deeper funk than I've been in for quite a while. I don't know why and I'm not sure what's wrong. I haven't even felt like blogging lately, and that is very unlike me.

I don't feel inspired to change the world. I feel like there's nothing I can do. I'm only one person. I don't have the focus it takes to make a difference. I've started to write my book and feel completely overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start.

I just feel deeply unhappy right now. I love my husband and I love my job. But none of that is enough to crack through the walls that are keeping me locked up in my dark place. 

I've been feeling like this for a couple weeks. It started gradually but picked up steam this past week. I've been feeling completely rundown and like I was getting sick. I almost started crying at lunch at work the other day. Tuesday night I was feeling miserable with a headache and a sore throat. Wednesday, I spent the whole day in bed, napping and watching TV. I even watched a movie that I thought would help me feel really empowered and I got nothing out of it. Today I just felt completely wiped out and exhausted, just by getting ready for work. Maybe I stressed myself into getting sick. Maybe I was getting sick and feeling down weakened my immune system. I don't know, but feeling sick certainly didn't help anything.

I'm feeling weak, and not just in the physical sense. I usually feel pretty empowered, and in touch with an inner self that feels enlightened and strong. I usually feel like one day, I can do something good for this world. Right now, I'm crying because I feel the exact opposite of all of that. 

I just feel so darn sensitive sometimes, but not to everyone. Facebooking (shut-up spell-check, it's a word!) with my family has been an interesting experience. My sisters and I have different ideas about what is funny. We also have different ideas about what may hurt my feelings. I don't think they leave comments to intentionally hurt me (at least I would hope not), but some things they say really do. If I'm already feeling down and vulnerable and they leave what I perceive to be a rude comment, I feel incredibly alone. I suppose I've always had maternal feelings towards them and did all I could for them when I was home, so when things like that come up, I guess I feel betrayed.

I also feel odd and out of place. I feel different and like no one really knows me other than Studdly Hubby. Maybe that shouldn't matter, but I feel isolated. I don't have many friends out side of work, which is a bad idea. In the workplace, there's only so much you can share, for a variety of reasons. And I'm not saying that's good or bad, but that's the way it is. I also find that I'm over sensitive to appropriate boundaries. My co-workers have shared different things with me about their childhoods and their families, but I'm always a bit apprehensive to put all my baggage out there because I have more than a carry-on and I have sometimes have trouble carrying it all. One of them has a tendency to say "No family is perfect" or something along those lines, and I'm not sure if she means "So what, we've all got our crosses to bear so suck it up" or if she's saying "It's ok, my family has problems too." So between my oversensitivity and amazing skill to over think things, I tend to wait for an invitation to share, and it doesn't always come because that's not always how conversation works.

When I'm doing a depression screen on a new resident, I ask them if they've felt down and depressed or if they feel like a failure. Sometimes, their lip quivers and tears well up in their eyes. I have to try not to cry right along with them. Why isn't my guard up better than that?!

I'm not crying out for sympathy here. I'm just being honest. Maybe a good hard cry is all I need...

*I know this song sounds ripe with teen angst, but I was looking for a song I could relate to right now, and when I listened to this one I started crying, so I think it's a winner:

"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like"


Rachel

Book Intro

Thanks to an anonymous comment on my last blog post, I am feeling much about writing a book this morning and have already re-written my into to be more relevant. I thought I'd share:

"There are books that discuss the frequency of child sexual abuse in America. There are books that offer guidance to the healing process. There are even books that tell the stories of victims of child sexual abuse. This book if focused on what happens next – the healing process. There are other books out there like this as well, but I believe it deserves one more.

            Imagine you are in a forest. It’s nighttime and very dark out. You are alone. You know there is a path through the forest, but you can’t see it. Suddenly, there is a torch up ahead, dimly lighting the path a bit. You can see much better than you could before, but soon, you are past that light and back into darkness. Then a new light pops up, and another, some brighter than others. Eventually, there are enough torches that you can walk along confidently, and far less fearful. There are still going to be dangers ahead, but they will be much easier to face in the light.  Each book and each story shared provides a light for those still struggling. My hope is that this book would be another torch along someone’s path. It may be brighter for some than others, but in the dark, any amount of light is helpful."

Rachel

Feeling Discouraged

I'm not going to lie. I'm feeling a little discouraged at the moment. I want to write a book. No, more than that. I want to have a book published that shared the story of my healing process that is helpful to other survivor's and the loved ones. Because I apparently operate under the assumption that I know all, I thought there were not many books available like this. Tonight, I did a little research and found that there are actually quite a few quality books available on the exact same thing. 

So why bother writing another? Who would want to publish another? How could I be so arrogant to assume I was the first person to think of this? 

I'm finding it difficult to write much at the moment. It doesn't seem there is much reason too.

A Shift in Perspective

Ok, first and foremost...

I'M FAMOUS!

Not really, but, I was quoted via my blog in a post that had thousands of views! Here's the lowdown. I am a member of a blogging network called BlogHer. I've posted a few things on there, and have also "Liked" them on Facebook. They post links on there several times a day. Today I was looking it over and got very excited when I saw one about Vaginismus. I followed the link to see what they had to say. It was basically an article explaining what it is. And then, on the second page, they used an excerpt my blog! With my name! And a link back to my blog!

Moving on...

I watched "The Secret" on Netflix a couple days ago. I remember having heard about the book when it came out. There was a lot of hype around it, but I never got around to reading it. I had a friend who had read it, and he summed it up by saying it was basically about imaging what you want in life. That was more or less it. The documentary/website makes it all seem very mystical, like its this powerful secret that the rich and powerful have been keeping from us for centuries. It's not. It's pure psychology + good old fashioned hard work. (By the way, it sort of brushes over that second part because that is not a popular notion and doesn't sell books.)

However, that doesn't mean it doesn't work.

In the midst of spring cleaning, I came across my old "dream board" that I had made at the beginning of 2010. The idea was to put up images that related to goals in Avon sales. When I pulled it out, I realized that I had achieved 3 out of 4 of my goals, without even realizing it. I wanted a new couch, health insurance, to pay off my car and a trip to Disney World. My new couch will be delivered tomorrow, I'm going to Disney World for my delayed honeymoon next week and our health insurance kicks in in April. I was stunned! 

Watching "The Secret" and finding my dream board really caused me to do some soul searching. What else had I gotten in life that I wanted? How else had the supposed secret worked for me when I didn't even realize that was what I was doing?  For one, I met Studdly Hubby, married him and am currently living happily ever after with him. Bonus: He chose a more lucrative career path along the way! I wanted a new job, and found one within 2 weeks. I wanted/needed a car a couple years ago, and we got one. I'm sure there are LOTS more examples in my life, but these are the ones coming to mind right now.

So where do I go from here? It's time to make a new dream board! I've been thinking about it a little, and there a few things I know I want to be represented on it:

• A published book
• Babies
• More blog readership/recognition
• A healthier body
• A college degree
• More to come later..

Anyway, besides wanting more, this all made me feel very grateful for what I have. I came from a terrible life, to being happily married and independent, with food on the table and clothes on my back. We still struggle financially, but we're getting by and then some. While going through my therapy, I tend to spend a lot of time "in my head". I think about my problems, how I'm going to write about my problems, how my problems affect/create other problems. It's not a great state of mind to stay in. This realization has helped me shift my focus. While I fully intend to keep up with my healing process, I can also focus on what I want in the future, both near and far. I need to see a more complete picture of my life, and take a step back and gain new perspective. 

Rachel

Emotional Control

Seriously, check this one
out.

I've been reading "The Ultimate Betrayal" by Dr. Audrey Ricker. It is about mother-daughter relationships in which the daughter has been abused by another person. 

Dr. Ricker worked as a therapist, and realized that most of the women she was working with due to sexual abuse had the same mother. They all seemed to fit the same description. She shares 4 toxic parenting styles as outlined by Dr. Gopal in her upcoming book:

1. Guardian-oriented parenting style:

• Overindulgence
• Overprotection
• Infantilization
• Hypervigalance
• Pity
• Excessive Concern
• Seen in families with sick children

2. Exploitation-oriented parenting style:

• Verbal Abuse
• Physical Abuse
• Neglect
• Emotional Abuse
• Dejuvenilization
• Sexual abuse

3. Abuse-oriented parenting style:

• Difficulty showing affection to children
• Poor sense of identity
• Overprotective/neglectful
• Insecure, preoccupied, forgetful
• Boundaries struggles
• Passive, envy of child's normalcy
• Unrealistic developmental expectations
• Role reversal
• Seen in families with histories of abuse
• Parentified child

4. Victim-oriented parenting style:

• Helplessness
• Child becomes the caretaker
• Child fearful of parent hurting/killing self
• Role reversal
• Threatened by child's need for independence
• Actions of self-injury to keep child in caretaking role
• Whiny, complaining, condescending, cajoling, manipulative style

I've highlighted the bullet points that seem to apply most to my situation. I get emotional even thinking about some it...

Letting go...

I know this is going to sound cruel, but she was weak. She took on a helpless victim role, which required me to step in as a parent. I've felt so responsible for my 4 little sisters. It was very difficult for me to let go when I went away to college. I still felt like I needed to help them, to save my family as they struggled with this new world without a father and an income source. But I soon realized that there was nothing I could do for them while living away from them. It took me a long time to understand how strongly I felt that maternal role, and I've mourned that loss. There was a time when she actually considered giving up one of my sisters for adoption after the divorce because they weren't getting along. She wasn't a bad kid, just hateful towards her. And she was just going to give her up. Who does that?!

Growing up, I've always believed that she was a good mother, and given the chance in an environment where she was in control and not an abusive individual, she could do more. I guess on some level, I feel like I gave her that opportunity....like I freed her from him. And she didn't take the opportunity to really step up her game, at least not enough. There was a very short window of time in which she needed to take control and become the disciplinarian. Instead, she felt like things had already been so hard for everyone that she would go easy on them. And now she's paying for it. They all are. As much as my sister's love my mom, I don't believe they respect her. She doesn't demand respect. She demands pity.

I remember her talking about how she thought about killing herself on more than one occasion. She made it very clear that she was fragile, and we all must be aware of her feelings. If something we did were to upset her,  we would be scolded by my stepfather. Which was interesting since he was an expert at hurting her feelings. Even now, every time one of my sisters living at home calls me, I worry that she is having another one of her "episodes" where she talks about either just going away and not coming back, or just giving up. The whole family panics.  A couple years ago, when Aaron and I decided we were moving to Lafayette, she had a total meltdown and said that I was moving away emotionally. She sank into a deep, deep depression, and I became terrified that she was going to kill herself. The only person I could get a hold of in Monroe was my Uncle Ralph. I begged him to go check on her. He did and assured me that although very depressed, she was safe. 

Scenes like that make it very hard not to become resentful. Resentful of all the times I had to be the parent. I had to be the adult. I shouldn't have to be making that phone call. I shared an important life decision with her, and she felt like she didn't hear it first so she went into a tailspin. How can I share anything significant with her? It's like every little thing has to be run through a filter first to make sure it doesn't hurt her feelings. It's exhausting and gets in the way of having an authentic relationship. 

My baby, Char

From time to time I bring my cat to the nursing home where I work to visit the residents. I was sitting at work today, looking out the window, thinking about a spot that would be nice to bring her to when the weather gets warm again. This led to worrying about her running out into the parking lot towards the car and having a car drive up and not see her. I realize that I would run after her, putting myself in danger to protect her. The driver would be able to see me more clearly. And then I realized...I was willing to do this for an animal (whom I love dearly), but my mom wouldn't sacrifice her very small amount of comfort to protect her children. She never stepped in when my sister was being spanked. She didn't step in when terrible things were screamed in our faces. She didn't step in when I was told to drive him to the store for more beer because he was too drunk to drive himself. And yet I was willing to risk physical harm to save my cat? What is wrong with this picture? People talk about motherly love, and how mothers would do anything for their child. Are people just being poetic? Do mothers really feel that way? If so, why do so many stand by while their sons and daughters are being abused? 

I realize this post has become very long, but this book has helped me realize a lot of things. It has encouraged me to take an introspective look into this relationship. I'm having a very difficult time with it, but I do feel like I'm making progress...which is important because she has her first counseling session soon...

Rachel

Controlling Time

I just finished reading "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer. I've heard of it before, and have had quite a few recommend it to me. I don't know why I waited so long to read it, but I finally bit the bullet. It is every bit as horrifying as it sounds and then some. Reading it was a bit like watching a train wreck: you can't look away. 

For those unfamiliar, the book is written by a man who was horribly abused by his mother.  It was considered the 3rd worst case of child abuse in California's history. Some of the things his mother did were shocking to me. She didn't "just" beat him. She starved him, burned him, poisoned him, stabbed him and more. I'm honestly shocked that he survived. As terrible as all of that is, the level of psychological abuse is truly unsettling. It's amazing to me that he was able to get his life together afterward. 

Something else that startled me, is that this boy had a father present as well. He had 2 older brothers and later 2 younger brothers (who, it would seem, were not abused, at least nowhere near this level). At first, it would seem most of the abuse happened when the father was not around. But over time, he saw most of it. Although he "tried" to be helpful by sneaking him food and acknowledging him as a human being, he decided it would just be easier to get drunk and appease his wife.

I was obviously irate with his mother, but his father's actions made me even more angry. He could have taken that little boy and run. He could have saved him from all of it.  But he didn't. He gave up. 

At one point, Dave's mother stabbed him in the chest. He walked to his father, who was sitting in the living room. He told him to what his mother said. Dave wrote:

"I turned away. All my respect for Father was gone. The savior I had imagined for so long was a phony. I felt more angry at him that I did at Mother."

After a different occurrence:

"...I stared at Father who turned away to avoid my pain. At that moment I hated Mother to no end, but I hated Father even more. The man who had helped me in the past, just stood like a statue..."

Both of these statements really resonated with me. I don't hate my mother, but I do feel a lot of anger towards  her.  Regardless of whether or not she saw any sexual abuse, we were being abused in other ways and she did not protect us. 

And I still don't feel like she sees that.

Another thing David talked about in passing, was his obsession with watching the clock. He knew that when his father got home that the particular situation he was in would end. This is something I often did as well. 

Every Saturday, my mom would be gone for several hours grocery shopping. I would be at his mercy the whole time. But I knew that the longer I could stall, the longer I could put things off, and time would eventually run out. So I made it a point to track the time. It was the same thing at night time. I knew he had to let me go to bed eventually. I had school in the morning. So I felt like I could prevent things from progressing before time would run out. In some way, I think I felt like I had some tiny semblance of control by watching the clock.

That's all I have for now. I started another book called "The Ultimate Betrayal" by Audrey Ricker, PhD. It's all about the relationships between mother and daughter when the daughter has been sexually abused. So far, I am very impressed and highly recommend it. 

Rachel

Learning to write...

Learning to write. I was good at it when I was younger…much younger. But I think I might be able to relearn the skill. I think I need to. I want to help other survivors. There are so many ways I could do that, and I’m still figuring out that path.

I had a business lunch today with a woman who specializes in retirement life coaching, but also happens to be a marriage and family therapist. Over the course of conversation, Lisa was talking about an art teacher that showed her that art was something she could have a lot of potential in and how that inspired her to want to be an art teacher. The therapist then turned to me and asked me what “my thing” was. I told I never really had a thing, so she asked what it would have been if someone would have cultivated it in me a little more. The first thing that came to mind was writing. I remember my teachers encouraging me when I was very young in that subject, however, when things at home starting to become more difficult, they were just happy if I turned in my homework, which didn’t happen all that often. She suggested that perhaps I could try writing again by simply sitting down and writing whatever came to mind. So here we are!!

A few weeks ago, I was talking to my therapist, Simone, about how few books seemed to be able dealing with sexual dysfunction among survivors of sexual assault. She pointed out that the awareness about sexual abuse alone is fairly recent. As we got talking she commented that I might be one of the people to write a book about it someday. This planted a seed. At the time I thought it would be something I work on far in the future, but as things progressed, I felt incredibly inspired to start sooner than that…today!

As I was driving home from therapy, a million ideas ran through my mind. I don’t what form this will take, but I’m just going to go with my gut. I plan on posting these things on here. If anyone is reading this, maybe they will provide some feedback! That’s all I have for today. Too distracted by this awesome playlist I made on iTunes. J

xkcd.com