How Could Anyone Ever Know

In the process of cleaning out our closet, I found a poem written by Studdly Hubby back in 2004.

How could anyone ever know

What's happening? She became

The one who will not go,

Ever changing, yet always the same.

It's never hers, always his way.

He loves it, she hides it. Her hair

Hiding her anger in the charade left to play.

He's always cheating, never fair.

Although no scars, it's permanently etched,

This image of hatred she cannot forget.

This truth though, no one has sketched

Too blind to car, More room for regret.

Oh, how wonderful it would be to be free

As she has often cried out to me.

Rachel

I Wonder

I decided to take on the massive project of cleaning out one of our storage closets today. I found all kinds of fun stuff like high school yearbooks, the program from the Miss Michigan USA pageant I participated in, Studdly Hubby's baby book and lots more. One thing I came across was the transcript from my testimony in the court case. I'll come back to that one later. I also found a poem I wrote several years ago.

Crying...

Crying so hard

    I think I'll never stop.

I might suffocate

Can one die of misery?

   I wonder...

He's back.

   But he doesn't care.

Crying, begging, yelling

   None of it matters to him.

And I know it doesn't matter anyway

   so I give up.

   I shut down.

I give in to his commands.

I don't care anymore...

   At least that's what I tell myself

   In this moment

Laughing...

Laughing so hard

   I wish I'd never stop

Something in Spanish class...

   Oh yeah, Stephanie's cat

I smile remembering

Oh, what did he say?

   Yeah, yeah, I'm doing it just how you said

He won't leave me alone.

   What's going on here?

   How is this possible?

I feel my brain shutting down...

I'm numb now.

   So numb.

I'm nothing

   Nothing but a robot

   A rag doll

   Not caring

   Mind boggled

Numb.

   So very numb.

I don't think I can stop.

I might go insane

   Can one go insane from numbness?

      I wonder...."

I'm happy to say that I'm not in the dark place anymore, but it's a very honest look at how it once felt.

Rachel