Mild Irrational Fears

Where to begin...it seems like more and more of my posts are beginning like that. I think one of my New Year's Resolutions is to get back to blogging regularly, maybe once a week.

I have, like any normal person, what I call "mild irrational fears". I often think of the worst case scenario, as in really dark and extremely unlikely, in many situations. For example, as Studdly Hubby and I were driving to see his family on Thanksgiving, I admitted that I'm freaked out by sinkholes. You know the ones - You see a picture on the news of a car that has fallen into a hole in the road that has simply appeared. I've never seen one in person, so it's not something I worry about all the time, but I have thought about how terrifying it would be to land in one!

Anyway, tonight I admitted to Simone that I have a mild irrational fear of "snapping" and ending up in a mental hospital. I fear that I've gotten away with things too easily. Considering what I've been through, my life is too good. Surely there is some deep seated mental illness, hiding deep below the surface, just waiting to show it's ugly face when the time is right. I feel like it is something that could happen years down the road. I don't even know what I feel like "it" is. I worry that I'll develop some kind of latent psychiatric disorder. Even though I can hand you a laundry list of all the things I've already dealt with or am dealing with, I worry that there is something dark festering. It's as if I'm driving down the road, when all of a sudden, my road gives away and I crash into a sinkhole. But those rarely happen, right? I'm still trying to process the whole thing.

On a side note, what has two thumbs and got an A on her senior project?

This girl!!

By the way, there was a sinkhole on the freeway here last week.

Rachel

Warning

I was speaking with someone today about their friend has schizophrenia. As she was describing her friend's delusions, a light bulb went off in my head - it sounded exactly like my dad. My family and I have always known something was wrong with him, but I think we generally attributed it to the alcohol. In retrospect, I believe he may have been secretly abusing drugs, but that is more suspicion that anything else. I did a little research and found about half of those individuals with a schizophrenia diagnosis also abuse drugs and/or alcohol. I believe if he is not schizophrenic, he has some sort of similar psychological disorder.

This idea has crossed my mind before. But I couldn't bring myself to explore this option. Regardless of the reason, what he did was wrong, but I hate for him to have any kind of excuse at all. It was bad enough that the alcohol was involved, but he wasn't always drunk when it happened, so that couldn't be used as an excuse.

On the other hand, if he was mentally ill, I have to question why those around him didn't get him the help he needed. From what I understand, he had problems long before he married my mom - why didn't his parents intervene? He was in and out of doctors constantly from the time I was 15 right up until I left home. Why didn't any of them see it? Or did they and he never told us? And I hate to bring this back around to my mom again, but why didn't she force him to get help? I'm not trying to blame any of these people, but it was obvious that something was wrong with him. If you marry someone and you don't want to do anything about his issues, fine, that's on you, although probably not wise. However, if you bring children into that marriage, it's not just about you. I'm not trying to say all mentally ill people shouldn't have children. But there were warning signs in this particular situation that we were not safe. 

It's not use going around in circles about why no one intervened, except to serve as a warning to others. Mothers - please put your child's safety first. That is your job. It's the most important one you will ever have. If you've already made a mistake and married that wrong guy or had children with the wrong guy, do something. If your children are in harm's way, if there are red flags going up or alarm bells going off, please, take a step back and look at the situation and protect them. 

Again, I have to say this is not about all mentally ill people. This is about situations where children are put in danger.

If your son or daughter is behaving in a way that seems particularly dangerous to themselves or others, get them help. If your nieces, nephews, grandchildren, friend's children, students seem like they could be in danger, do something.   It's easy to assume that you're imagining things, or it couldn't possibly be what you think it is. Listen to your gut and investigate just a little. Call CPS. Confront someone else in the child's life.

My life was forever changed by my dad. The person I was going to be was murdered. I'll never know who she was. Please understand that you can save someone's life by taking action. Thank you.

Rachel