Prison Release Day #1

Tomorrow is a significant day. Aaron's dad is being released from prison. For those of you that are new here, yes, you read that correctly.

Some time before we were married, we found out that his dad had sexually abused two of his step-children. It was a complete and total shock to everyone. Aaron didn't even want to tell me when he found out about it. Once he did, I had no idea how to respond. My relationship with my future father-in-law ended immediately. Because I was afraid of coming between Aaron and his dad and having him come to resent me, I overcompensated by constantly pushing him into keeping up his relationship with him. Eventually I realized that I was getting exactly what I was hoping to avoid, so I let it go. 

Over that past years, Aaron has chosen to communicate with his dad and has decided to have his dad as a part of his life in the future. I support his choice, as long as he respects my feelings as well. I'm a little nervous about how things are going to go. I know I will never be able to trust him. That kind of kills any potential of a relationship right there. On that same note, authentic relationships are one of my highest priorities. I'm not one of those people who can just pretend nothing has happened or that everything is ok when it's not. I can't just pretend that he's been away on a long vacation. And I don't feel bad about that, because he made a choice to hurt 2 children.

So that's where things lie for now. I'm a little nervous, mostly about how this will affect my relationship with Studdly Hubby, but confident that we have enough respect and love for each other to get through this. And prayers. Lots of prayers...

-Rachel

Losing My Trust

So here's a fun twist. I woke up this morning and checked out Facebook on my phone, as I do every morning. My cousin had posted this link to a news story.

In a nutshell, it's about a man who was arrested on charges of possessing and distributing child pornography. According to investigators, he was "considered the largest and most active trader using peer-to-peer software". Horrifying, right? Awesome that they caught him, right? Agreed. 

Although I find myself especially horrified because I know this man. He was a year behind me in our small grade school. Because we went to a small parochial school, two grades shared a classroom, so we were in the same classroom every other year. We grew up together in a sense. I can recall chasing him around the playground. I had a little bit of a crush on him for awhile. And we've been friends on Facebook for several years now. Well, until this morning.

I can't say I know him well enough to offer any kind of judgement on his character, but I can't help but be stunned by this. Of all the people that I would have even slightly thought capable of a fraction of the horrific nature of something like this, he never would have crossed my mind.

At first, I felt appropriately removed from this story. I didn't really know him that well. But the more I thought about it, the more upset I became. I started to realize I'm losing my trust in people.

I was talking about this with Aaron tonight and he would claim that I already don't trust people. I disagreed. I  told him I think I am a very trusting person, especially all things considered. He reminded me that I don't depend on people. While that's true, there is a difference between trusting people to follow through on things and trusting them to not harm me or my loved ones. What I'm talking about is the latter. 

Part of this is also brought on by the Penn State scandal coverage. Sandusky was a man people were supposed to be able to trust. No one suspected anything like that was going on. Supposedly, some people were shocked by my own story when it first came out. And the late-to-the-party icing on the cake, Aaron's dad is a pedophile too. I most certainly never suspected him of such a thing before it came out.

So who can I really trust? And how does this play out in my life? I'm not worried about myself. I'm strong. If someone tries to take advantage of me, they're not going to get far. Same goes for my husband. But I want a family someday. I want to have children. I feel ready for that, but I worry about how I'm going to live with the constant fear that they will be victimized by someone we know. But even without children, and without being frightened for my own safety, its a scary thought that we are working and living around these closet perverts. 

Wouldn't it be great if they all had some kind of symbol on their foreheads so we could identify them instantly? 

I'm so frustrated by this whole thing. I've always seen myself as someone who believes there is a lot of good in this world despite the evil I've experienced. I still want to believe that, but it's getting harder. I've struggling with my sense of self in general lately, but that's another soon-to-come post.

Please, can someone give me another perspective on any of this?

Rachel

Penn State

On occasion, I discover that I live under a rock. I didn't hear anything about the Penn State Sex  Abuse scandal until this week. I finally caught the gist of it yesterday, and sat down to read the whole story today. I thought this summed it up pretty well. (Thank to Dana McNulty for sending it my way!)

I am blown away.

Who knew Einstein was so wise outside
of science?

There are several things that strike me about this whole thing. One: Why is there so much focus on Joe Paterno? Why did I know his name before I knew Sandusky's? Is it because he is was such a successful football coach? Because he is so beloved? These reports were ignored over and over and over again, by multiple individuals. Paterno did report what he had been told to Penn State Security. It was the right first step. And then he went on his merry way, absolved of any legal responsibility.  Should he have reported it the police? Absolutely. Should he have made enough noise that the reports couldn't be ignored and had to be investigated fully? ABSOLUTELY. But what about the two men who were the heads of security and failed to report if to the police? All they did was basically say "If you're going to be raping, molesting and sodomizing boys, please don't do it here! Stick to your organization for at-risk youth (The Second Mile)!" They turned a blind eye. It seems obvious that they knew something was going on, since they took enough action to cover their own butts, and failed to do even that. Yes, they are being charged with a felony, but where is the media coverage of all this? What about the eyewitnesses? Why didn't they report it to the police? 

One of the other things that horrified me was when I discovered that Sandusky started and remained an active participant in The Second Mile, a non-profit organization for at-risk youth. I'll give you a second to let that sink in. Got it? Ok. It's horrifying to think that he was using this group as his own personal harem of young boys. With that in mind, I think this is an excellent time to visit things parents need to be on the lookout for. Sandusky was someone that it appeared could be trusted. After all, he was trying to help children. Surely he wouldn't hurt them, right? We can trust him to be alone with our children without any questions or scrutiny, right? WRONG. I'm not blaming the parents of these boys. Someone who should have been trust worthy took advantage of his position. But we can learn from this and prevent it from happening to other children. Jen Bushore-Barry, Director of Heartford House, a neutral, child-friendly place in Lafayette for children to be interviewed when there have been abuse allegations, directed me to "Darkness To Light". It is an excellent program aimed at preventing child sexual abuse. They offer 7 "common sense" steps that we all need to be reminded of. PLEASE take a moment to check it out. You don't have to be a parent to utilize some of it. We all need to watch out for each other and each other's children. If you don't have time to read it now, bookmark and come back to it as soon as you can. Please make it a priority. 

I hope Sandusky is put away for a long time. Actually, I think a life sentence in these cases is not extreme. I hope Penn State is fully investigated to see who all knew about these allegations and chose not to act or to cover it up and are punished accordingly. I hope other institutions, not just universities, take this opportunity to investigate how they handle these kinds of situations and in-service their staff on it. 

Finally, I'll leave you with this thought from the Journal and Courier:

"Here's a hypothetical situation. What would do if you're walking through your factory floor or office hallways and you spot a supervisor jabbing a knife into one of your customers or the mailroom clerk?

If you said anything other than call 911 or do something else to immediately make the carnage stop, you might want to check your priorities - and perhaps your spine.

So why is it when someone spots a colleague or a supervisor - or anyone else, for that matter - committing an act of sexual violence against a child, the instinct is to follow some sort of workplace protocol?"

Rachel

What I Haven't Been Blogging About

There is a topic that has been lingering on behind the back burner. It's not something I had to worry about, but a week or so ago, it was nudged forward. Aaron's father is currently serving time in prison for molesting children. He didn't deny that it happened and is remorseful. 

Which way am I supposed to go?!
My life feels really complicated sometimes.

We found out sometime before we got married what had been going on. Aaron didn't even want to tell me. The court case I had gone through was still very fresh. I was stunned. I had no clue how to even deal with this revelation and so I didn't. Since then, I've encouraged Aaron in his relationship with his dad. He's visited him in prison and written to him occasionally. This I've supported 100%.  The time came when Aaron expressed a desire for me to come with him to visit his father. This I was absolutely not comfortable with. I felt guilty for saying no, because I knew it would mean a lot to Aaron to have me with him there, but I couldn't do it.

The last letter we received mentioned that he would be out of prison by next summer. I knew then that Aaron and I were going to have to talk about how we were going to deal with that. At the end of the letter, he may some comment referring to the fact that he would be struggling a bit financially. I knew then/worried that Aaron would want to help him out. Sure enough, he came to me later and said he would like to help him buy a computer, as that is an interest they have in common. I wasn't sure how to respond yet, so I didn't.

I finally approached Aaron last night and let him know I was concerned and that I felt like we needed a plan for how we are going to navigate that relationship when the time comes. We didn't completely agree with my view points, but understood why I felt the way I did. This is something that is very emotional and difficult for both of us. It breaks my heart to see him in this position. He loves both a perpetrator and a victim. By the end of the conversation, we hadn't really resolved anything, but Aaron did agree to come to therapy with me so that we could discuss it further with an unbiased third party to help mediate.

It's at times like these when I reflect on 2 points. 1 - Life can be really unfair. It totally sucks that we even have to deal with this. I can't even imagine how Aaron must feel, partly because he doesn't really talk about it much. 2 - I am so grateful for the relationship we have. Even though I cried and the look on Aaron's face told me how he was feeling, we kept calm and communicated our points without yelling at each other. Even though he wasn't feeling particularly affectionate immediately after, we moved passed it and laughed together that same night.

I really do love that man.

Rachel

A Controversial Post

I was watching Inside Edition today (a quality news program ;-) ) as they covered the story of a 6 year old girl getting a full-body pat down at an airport. 

Click here for the original story. 

The little girl protested as respectfully as she could, "I don't want to do it, thank you!" but she was obviously very upset. All the while, her mother stood by. I'm not blaming the mother here. I can only imagine she felt helpless and it all happened very fast.  I would like to think that I would demand to see a manager and request that something else be done, but I wasn't there.

On the other hand, I just watched the video for a second time. The security officer explains to the mother that the child needs a pat down. She summons the little girl over, and lets the officer take over. That's it. No explanation, no comfort. If she could have at least explained what was going on and why in a way appropriate for a 6 year old to understand, this could have been a very different situation. So maybe I am blaming the mother for her inaction.

I understand from a security standpoint why children can't be let through unchecked. I don't understand why she couldn't be sent through the scanner instead. It would seem like this would be adequate. TSA did say that they used a "modified pat-down". Number 1: It didn't look any different in the video. Number 2: TSA did not share why a pat down was required and the scan was not sufficient.

A couple of things went through my mind when I watched this story. For one, I felt very, very uncomfortable watching the little girls's protests go completely ignored. At the same time, I was really proud of her for speaking up at all. Even though she was frightened, and this was clearly a person in authority, she said no, more than once. 

As parents, I think one of the most important things we can do for our children is to teach them that their bodies are their own. They should treat them with respect and expect respect. If your daughter doesn't like hugs from Uncle Bob, as parents, we should respect that and not force her to hug him. If Uncle Bob doesn't understand, that's ok. Uncle Bob is not your concern, your son/daughter is. 

I believe corporal punishment plays into this as well. I know that spanking/slapping is a very controversial issue, although I still haven't heard a good reason for why it should be acceptable. 

• "Well that's how I was raised and how my parents were raised!" So, because it's always been that way that makes it right? Not buying it. We'd all still have slaves if that logic held up. 
• "I got over it and turned out fine." Well, it's possible to get over all kinds of wrong doings. That doesn't mean they weren't still wrong.
• "They won't listen to anything me otherwise." There's a reason that all they respond to is this kind of punishment. Because that's the kind you use. Good parenting requires patience. (I'm not saying if you spank you're necessarily a bad parent btw, I just disagree.)

There are other reasons I think corporal punishment is a bad idea. I believe that if you are going to use this approach, the punishment should never be administered while angry. You're going to do it harder than you should.

I also don't see the point. If you break the rules, you will be physically punished by your parent. Shouldn't the punishment fit the crime? Let's say a child took something from the neighbors that he knew he shouldn't have. I think it's a great idea to march that child and the stolen item right over to the neighbor, have him give it back and apologize. If the child is getting bad grades at school, take away some privileges so that the time spent playing video games is spent studying. 

I also believe that every child is different and therefore motivated differently. For example, if someone gave me positive feedback for something I did, I would then do it 10-fold (and I still work that way to this day). For a child like me, that is the best way to motivate them to do the right thing. Other children may need to lose privileges, or allowance or spend some time in time-out. You have to find what works for your child, before giving up and resorting to a punishment that makes no sense. 

Time out. 

My point is, by using corporal punishment on a child, you are not teaching them anything positive about their bodies. You teach them that a parent's touch doesn't always feel loving or affectionate. If you don't explain why they are receiving the punishment, then you just teach them that mom/dad is mean. And all children should know that love never equals pain.

I know that many of you are going to disagree with the second part of this point. That's ok. We can agree to disagree. Others will point out that I don't have children of my own, which is a fair point. I don't think I will change this stance on punishments when I do have them, but I may better understand why a parent would resort to spanking.

Maybe this should have been two separate posts, however, I feel like the topics are related. Children should learn respect for their own bodies from a young age, but first, we need to show them respect.

Rachel