Brainstorm!

Ok readers (if there are any left out there on this dusty old blog). I need your help.

My latest brain child has to do with a new website for survivors of abuse. Perhaps some kind of online network that women could log-in to for support, information and to generally be uplifted!

Right now it's kind of a fuzzy idea, but I would like to hear YOUR input on it! What would you like to see? What features should be included? Would you even be interested in it?

If you're interested, please shoot me a message using the "Contact Me" tab or you can also message me on Brighten the Path's Facebook page.

Hope to hear from you soon! I know there's some great ideas out there!

-Rachel

Little Bird, Ready To Fly!

Every morning, my alarm goes off around 6:45 am. I usually automatically hit the snooze on that one, not even consciously hearing it. Nine minutes later, the alarm goes off again. And again, I hit the snooze and fall right back to sleep. I don't have to be up until 7:30, but I personally hate jumping out of bed immediately. Eventually, I feel awake enough to pick up my fully charged phone from my nightstand and check my e-mails and Facebook, in that order. 

A couple months ago, a friend introduced me to an organization called "The Brave Girls Club". Instead of describing it myself, here is an excerpt from the website:

     "Brave Girls Club is a worldwide community of women who want to live the best, happiest, most productive       and fabulously brave life they can possibly live…and that means something different to every single one of us.

Brave Girls Club is an online community, a portal for amazing connections, a news source for everyday heroes, a resource for great ideas, amazing endeavors, everyday problem solving, realistic recipes and unforgettable get-togethers. Brave Girls Club is a place to feel free, to feel peace, and to feel brave. Brave Girls Club is not an exclusive club…every woman is invited. Brave Girls Club is life-changing fun, life-changing truths, and life-changing friendships."

www.bravegirlsclub.com

One of the many ways The Brave Girls Club connects is with a daily e-mail, otherwise known as your daily truth. I subscribe to these e-mails and those are always waiting for me in my inbox every morning. I'll admit, I don't read them everyday. Part of the reason for this is because the text is part of an image that is difficult to read on my phone. I always have the intent of checking it out later on my computer, but honestly, my inbox is bursting at the seams with those kinds of e-mails. A few days ago I realized that there is a plain text version at the end of the e-mail that is legible on a phone. Oops!

Most of the e-mails are very uplifting and motivating, although some are more relevant to me personally than others. A couple hours ago, I received my daily truth. At almost 9 pm. This was out of the ordinary, and even though I was in the middle of (finally!) watching "The Help", something told me I needed to read this one. Something in my gut told me that it was written for me. And sure enough:

"Dear Resilient Girl,

Something that is very frustrating, very confusing and sometimes so mysterious that we often do not even know it is happening, is when we have done the brave work of walking away from things that have trapped or enslaved us, yet we sit where the cage used to be and don't venture out very far past that area even though we are completely free to, even though we walked out of the cage that held us.

Don't feel bad if this is what is happening in your life dear girl. Just take notice, take responsibility and then take action. It is scary and uncomfortable to live in brave new ways, and it's sometimes exhausting and disappointing to to realize that getting out of the cage was just the beginning of the journey. You have to fly away now too. 

It is going to be incredible....just take one little step at a time....nothing is holding you back now....don't hold yourself back. You were always meant to be free in your soul and you were always meant to fly. It is time. Fly baby, fly!!!

You are so very loved,

Xoxo"

Wow. This is such an amazing description of where I am right now. It's so much easier to stay where that cage was, rather than live in a "brave new way[s]". But what kind of life is that? There is so much more out there, just waiting to be plucked off the vine like ripe fruit. I can stand under the tree, my mouth watering, cursing the tree's height, or I can go find a ladder! While this stage of the healing process can be very frustrating, scary and difficult, it's also incredibly exciting to know that it's going to get better. Because I am not going to give up on myself. What better gift can anyone give themselves?

If you want to get your own daily truth, click here. The Brave Girls Club also offers beautiful daily e-mails for girls and teens. Click here if you want to sign up for those! 

All the best,

Rachel

I Am a Four

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend a seminar on dealing with "Toxic People". It was somewhat targeted towards healthcare professionals, however, the information was invaluable for anyone. I could write a whole blog post on this topic alone, however, it is not all relevant. But, there were some things that the speaker, Dr. Paula Butterfield, touched on that were incredibly personally relevant to mua. One of those points was that we are unable to change these toxic people that come into our lives in one way or another, but we can change how we respond to them to diffuse the situation. Something that can be beneficial in this is more fully understanding yourself and the perspectives you bring to the situation. Dr. Butterfield suggested taking the Enneagram Test to learn about ourselves and then to use that information to build on our strengths. 

Always willing to take any kind of personality assessment, I dove in (and paid the $10 to do it) and took the test as soon as I got home. Based on the questions that were asked, I was shocked by how accurate and thorough my results were. Taken aback even. But the great thing about how thorough it was is that it included the dark sides. I've taken tests in the past such as the Meyer-Briggs (Jung Typology), but those results seemed to focus only the most positive aspects of the personality. (I'm an INFJ for those that are curious.) While I don't disagree with those results, the Enneagram helped me take a really honest look at myself. I wasn't thrilled with everything I saw, but it was all accurate. In this test, my personality type is a Four, or the Individualist, again, for those that may be curious.

free enneagram test

So what does that mean? Some of the key points are as follows:

• I long to be unique/special and to be recognized for it
• I want to fit in with a crowd with a glamorous lifestyle
• I have a secret fantasy self that I will never be able to live up to
• Understanding the very depths of my heart is important
• I can be moody/sullen
• I sometimes indulge in negative feelings because these feel honest and authentic
• And the list goes on...

Ok, so of what use is this information? In a word, GROWTH! I've stumbled across this at the perfect time in my healing journey because I have already started to recognize some of these things within myself. As I've shared before, I'm at a turning point. I'm working on moving past being a victim and integrating that "part" of myself into a whole self that is so much more. A "healthy" Four recognizes the bad habits, gives up the fantasy self and learns to live more practically in the real world. This is all part of what I need to do. 

Oversimplified, but I think you get it.

This is all actually connected to another point brought up at the seminar. For a long time, a great deal of psychological research was based on pathology, or what is wrong. Therapists were most interested in helping their clients reach a functional baseline, rather than helping the reach their potential. Eventually, there was a shift towards the study of positive psychology. Think of it this way: How we can help people reach overall wellness, if we only understand what is wrong? Shouldn't there be any understand of what is healthy and good? This really inspired me. Up until now, my blog has largely been a place for me to explore a wide range of emotions and issues based on my past. While that will not be completely abandoned, I feel like my blog also needs to reflect where I am now. My path is now much brighter than it was when I began, and I desperately hope there is a reader out there somewhere who has been inspired to brighten his or her own path along the way. That being said, I hope to incorporate more positive psychology. I want to share more inspiration, whether it be music, poetry, art, new research, or, of course, my own observations. I don't know exactly what that's going to look like yet, but I'm excited about the possibilities! And this semester is almost over, so I'm hoping that between having more time and a renewed vision, I will be more active on here yet again.

The third and final part of this post is a little piece of news that some of you who follow the Brighten the Path Facebook Page already know about. I have been asked to speak at an Annual Crime Victim's Breakfast in Missouri in April. I am so very excited to have this new opportunity. I have always wanted to try my hand at public speaking, and this is my first chance. It is terrifying, humbling and exciting! Not to mention nerve wracking!

And that's where I am right now. Progress has been slow the past several months, but I'm getting there! It feels good to be excited about my progress again.

P.S. - Just want to say sorry again to Simone for spilling my Diet Cherry Coke all over her rug at the end of my therapy session yesterday!! It looks like no damage was done, but it was NOT my smoothest moment!!

Have a great rest of the week!

Rachel

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Today is the start of something new. I have so many thoughts spinning through my head because I'm so excited!!

The past few months have been difficult for me. I've felt blunted and numb for the most part. I had the best birthday and best Christmas of  my life, but other than that, I was in some kind of emotional limbo. I've worked through so much in the past year and a half and promptly found myself stuck. I was experiencing a very real "dark night of the soul". (Poem here. Background here.) I thought the new year was the perfect time to move forward, to pull myself up out of the hole I was living in and trying to crawl out of for the past several months. And, true to my nature, I expected immediate results, even though I know better that it doesn't work that way. However, I'm realizing that I have a touch of over-achiever in me (just a touch). So I pushed ahead. I kept rolling things around in my head, waiting for something to click.

I feel like I've taken a deep breath of fresh spring air
after a long, dark winter.

Today, something clicked. Of course it's all been happening under the surface gradually, but I was quite "feeling" it yet. In my inner work, Faye was showing up a little less frequently. Today, she and I traded places. I went to walk across the bridge to my safe place, and watched myself go form Faye's perspective. Ultimately, she is my ideal version of myself. And I'm slowly merging with her, although today's experience made this more evident. Later, I envisioned a warm bright white glow in the center of my chest. It was a feeling I had experienced strongly over a year ago. It was so pervasive then, I had two people ask me if I was pregnant. I've missed that glow so much. Now that I've had a taste of it yet again, I'm clinging to it as tightly as I can. I prayed all the way home from therapy for God to help me maintain it. 

I also heard this song on the way home:

(Lyrics here)

Incredible!! It says everything I'm feeling! I love life's little "coincidences" like that. I say "coincidences" in quotes because I generally do not believe in them. Another little coincidence...She wears a beautiful flowy white dress in the video just like the one Faye wears.

A few other thoughts that have come from today:

-I realized I don't need to find my biological father. I'd like to. It would be exciting and interesting. But I don't think I'm going to seek him out anymore. He's just not a necessary part of my life anymore. I don't need a father now. 

-I suddenly feel like I will be more capable of love. Not that I haven't loved people up til now, but I haven't shown it well. I've been needing love and support from others so much, that I think I've just been taking. I've been sucking the love right out of people. With moving forward and finding my own happiness, I can finally give. I can be more present in my relationships. I can really relate to others on a whole new level. It doesn't always have to come back to my little world. 

-If you've spent time around small children, you may have played a little game with them where they wrap their arms or hands around your ankles and you try to walk, dragging them along. I've been trudging along with my "past" and my "issues" wrapped around my ankles. Today, I am kicking off my boots. They can cling to those all they want, but I am choosing to run barefoot!

Ok 2012. I'm ready for you and the rest of my life now.

Rachel

Managing PTSD

I've been thinking a lot lately about how well my PTSD has been managed now compared to a year ago. Even though I've been a little more on edge and emotional lately because I'm dealing with some new things in therapy, overall I have a sense of calm and peace that I never did before. Part of me is relieved and happy to be able to breathe deeply, and part of me is confused. It's still a new feeling when you consider most of my life was spent feeling anxious and on edge. It feels like I've let go of something, which is good, but still feels like a loss in some way. I know that doesn't make sense to someone who hasn't been there, but it's true. We all cling to what we know, even if it's unhealthy. I think that's part of what makes change so difficult.

But now I can sit in the study and do my homework. No TV, maybe some music. And everything has been done on time. Again, that may not sound like much to some, but I have been struggling with this since third or fourth grade. And now I have straight A's again. That hasn't happened since the struggle began. After this semester, if my calculations are correct, I will need to take my science class and then I will be a college graduate. Although this has been a goal for quite some time, I've never been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel...until now. 

And the thing is, I can't even offer many practical tips for managing PTSD. The "practical" advice has never worked for me. I needed to go much deeper. After a year in therapy, the changes happened organically. You can't force yourself to change. It takes time. I don't want to say I'm totally in the clear yet, but I have made so much progress.

In other news, I've been trying to come up with a name for my "happy place" because I despise calling it that. I was watching Lord of the Rings this morning. When Frodo and the rest of the Fellowship meet with the elves after surviving the Mines of Moria, they find themselves in Lothlorien. It looked almost exactly like my happy place! I actually used an image from this scene back when I started writing about it (Storybook Forest). According to "The Thain's Book", Lothlorien "was a place where time seemed to stand still, a waking dream of the ancient days of the Elves". It was a "place of great beauty and peace". The name Lothlorien means dreamflower. Unless I stumble across something better soon, I think I found a winner.

Lothlorien

Lastly, I have been working on creating a support group for women who are survivors of child sexual abuse. And it is finally official. I'm nervous, mostly that no one will show up, but excited too. I finally feel like I'm really doing something with my past to help people. If this run doesn't work out (I'm trying it for 6 weeks) I think I will try again in January, after the holidays. Please take a moment and check it out here: Support Group. Oh, and do take a moment to listen to the song there. It is so beautiful it moved me tears - not that that's saying much lately, but watch it anyway!

Rachel

Keeping My Head Up

A little song that I've really been appreciating lately:



I've been waiting on the sunset 
Bills on my mindset 
I can get deny they're getting high 
Higher than my income 
Income's breadcrumbs 
I've been trying to survive 

The glow that the sun gives 
Right around sunset 
Helps me realize 
This is just a journey 
Drop your worries 
You are gonna turn out fine. 
Oh, you'll turn out fine. 
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine. 

But you gotta keep your head up, oh, 
And you can let your hair down, eh. 
you gotta keep your head up, oh, 
And you can let your hair down, eh. 

I know it's hard, know its hard, 
To remember sometimes, 
But you gotta keep your head up, oh, 
And you can let your hair down, eh. 

I've got my hands in my pockets, 
Kickin these rocks. 
Its kinda hard to watch this life go by. 
I'm buyin in the skeptics, 
Skeptics mess with, the confidence in my eyes 

I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled 
I start to comprimise 
My life and the purpose. 
Is it all worth it, 
Am I gonna turn out fine? 
Oh, you'll turn out fine. 
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine. 

Only rainbows after rain 
The sun will always come again. 
And its a circle, circling, 
Around again, it comes around again. 

I know it's hard, know its hard 
To remember sometimes, 
But you gotta keep your head up, oh, 
And you can let your hair down, eh. 

Rachel

Sensuality

Before I really get into things here, I think it is important to define what I mean when I talk about being "sensual". When you first hear the word, what do you think of? Is it sex? It usually is for me. And although it's not entirely unrelated, I'm talking about a more thorough exploration of the senses in general, which, in theory, should make sex more fulfilling as well. I tried to look up some definitions, and they some of them made it seem hedonistic and bad. That's not what this is about.

As someone recovering from PTSD, I can tell you I often go through the day not feeling much of the physical world. I don't notice how my clothes feel on my skin. I don't smell the air when there is nothing noticeable or overwhelming there. I don't see all the beautiful colors in the world around me. I spend more time focusing on what is in my head. I think about my fears and insecurities. I think about my blog. I think about my relationships. I spend so much time thinking that I forget to feel. 

A couple weeks ago, I decided this was something that I could work on now. Since then, I've talked to my therapist about it. I told her that I feel like there is some kind of "block" regarding my sexuality and sensuality. When she asked me to describe it, I struggled, but eventually I was reminded of my Tai Chi class at Concordia. The instructor, Sang, taught us about "chi", and energy that is flowing through all of us that sometimes does become blocked. He taught us how to actually feel this energy force between our hands. He was able to tell me when my chi was blocked, and went it began to flow I again, I could physically feel the change, sometimes even becoming lightheaded from the sudden rush. Sharing this with Simone, my therapist, led to a discussion about chakras, which are centers of energy in the body. 

Since then, I have been meeting with my inner self nightly, asking her to heal the chakras that require it. The first week, I didn't notice any kind of change at all, which could be partly due to the fact that I was so distracted by my flirtations with Studdly Hubby. But this past week has been different. For the last four days, I have spent as much free time as possible out on my balcony.

Since discovering my "happy place", I have felt more in touch with nature than I ever have before in my life. When I was sitting outside, the sun was shining, and there was a delicious summer breeze. I watched the large tree in front of me. The leaves fluttered, the branches swayed, giving to the wind so that they didn't break off. When the wind was stronger, the top part of the tree trunk swayed as well, but the base removed strong. It seemed like a beautiful metaphor for the human spirit. 

A quiet evening at home. Me, Carl Jung and
one of my cats, Char.

I basked in the feel of the sun on my skin. I sipped from my glass of wine, enjoying the flavor. I ate from a vegetable tray, tasting the array of flavors and textures. I loved the creamy ranch dip combined with the snap of the snap peas. I popped the cherry tomatoes in my mouth, letting it burst, juice exploding. Mmm...I'm able to taste it all again just thinking about it!

Since then, I keep going outside again. It seems to be the best place for me to begin exploring my senses. It is a happy place in the real, physical world. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I actually turned down a social invitation from a friend in favor of spending the evening on my balcony. 

Today, I savored every bite from a fruit tray. I paid attention to the amount of pressure necessary to lick the juices from my fingers, to lick the cream cheese vanilla dip off. I'm fascinated by the new world that's been opened up to me, but at the same time, was there all along.

But now I'm curious. How do others experience life? Do you pay attention to your senses at this level? Are you often too wrapped up in the day-to-day busyness of life to notice anything else? I want to know!

Rachel

Group Hug

When I feel like I'm getting a lot of support, understanding and love from people, I feel like I'm getting a big hug. Like my inner child is receiving the love she so longs for, and her natural light can shine through. I felt that way today. 

After I initiated wearing teal for National PTSD Awareness Day on Facebook, I had people let me know that they were doing just that. When I went into work, my co-worker commented that people don't generally have a lot of teal around their house if it's not a color they normally wear. All she had was a badge real. Luckily, I had thought ahead and brought my spool or teal ribbon with me and offered to let her have some. When I walked down the hallway later, I saw that she had her entire department wearing the ribbon. I was so thrilled I wanted to hug them all! She told me that everyone in the room now knew what PTSD was. How awesome is that?!

Honestly, I have never worked in a place with this many amazing co-workers. There's a few stinkers in the bunch, and we have our share of problems, but I love it. I feel so blessed by them and by all of my readers. 

Also, my last post was featured in the "Life" section on BlogHer, a massive women's blogging community. Please check it out here! I didn't get paid for it or anything like that, but I finally feel safe  to say:

I'm a writer.

Trust me, that's a big deal in Rachel Land.

Thanks again to all who wore teal or shared any kind of information on PTSD. 

Rachel

Beauty in the Breakdown

I know my last post sounded dramatic. My knee-jerk reaction is to apologize, but in reality, it's exactly what I was feeling and that this blog is about being honest about life after abuse. Moments of depression and anxiety are most certainly a significant part of that.

So I've shared how I felt, by what's more important is why I felt it. There were a lot of things going through my mind the last couple weeks. While each issue played a part in my mood change, there was one hanging over my head that I put off exploring. It struck me that I could be clinging to my label as "Survivor". With all this thought being put into defeating Dad in my mind, I've been forced to consider "What's next?" 

Like anyone else, I am sometimes afraid of change, and I know that there is one on the horizon. But I don't know exactly what that change will look like. Let's say I defeat him. Then what will I write about? Where will I find my inspiration? I've found an incredible amount of strength and inner confidence in the past 7 months or so. Without the pain, what more will I have to overcome? How will I feel strong and centered and inwardly beautiful? At my highest points throughout all this, that is exactly how I felt.

I know this sounds illogical. Why would I want to be in pain? Isn't the point of all this to heal? It certainly is, and of course, I don't want to be in pain. But on some level, it's all I know. Who am I without it? What kind of depth will my character have?

I've always had an overwhelming desire to feel special. Maybe that's part of what made me a good easy victim. I was eager to please, to be the "good child" and that was taken advantage of. However, I've felt like surviving my past without turning to drugs or alcohol or another abuse relationship made me special. Not giving up made me special. Being able to write about all of it made me special. So what makes me special when I'm not dealing with it anymore? When it's all been sorted through? Why should it even matter?

Well, I don't have an answer to that last question. When I figure that out, I'll let you know. However, I have some kind of answer to the rest. As part of my therapy tonight, I went to my happy place to have a pow-wow with my Actual Self. I needed to better understand this new realization and what it would mean for the future. She reminded me that even though I may deal with my past, I'll have learned a whole new skill set in terms of dealing with any of life's pain, because pain is inevitable in all human lives. In fully processing my past and my emotions, I will better be able to identify it in others, and be able to relate to them on a whole other level. If I can learn to write while dealing with all of this, there is no reason I can't write about other things in life later. And speaking of later in life, my Actual Self also reminded me that at different times in my life, I may have a whole new set of things to deal with relating to my past. For example, he may be a free man 2 weeks after my birthday in 2015. The reality of him being able to physically be out in the world again is a scary thought right now. Having children will certainly change things, as I imagine I will struggle with being over-protective and paranoid. So I will need to revisit things from time to time.

Another thing I realized tonight is that defeating my dad in my mind, is really defeating his power over me. I hope that this will make his prison release easier for me to deal with. If I can know in my heart and not just my mind that he is a weak old man, I will feel much safer. 

Today, I am feeling much better. Having explored that feeling has lifted a weight off my shoulders. I know there will be more difficult days ahead, but that's life and that's healing. I'm ready to face the next portion of my path. It looks a little brighter now than it did before. In my imagination, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and once I reach it, I explode into a burst of colorful light, freed, empowered and ready to fly.

Yeah, it's abstract. Just roll with it.

Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive since I shared how I was feeling. Studdly Hubby has been especially attentive to my "Love Tank" this week and I know I would have sunk much deeper into the dark place had he not. My (2nd) adopted big brother has really had my back as well. He really puts a lot of thought into the words he chooses. Ironically, my first adopted big brother is a lot like him in that sense. What can I say, I know how to pick 'em. :-D Thank you to those of you who shared that you could relate. Feeling special and feeling alone are two very different things, and you helped me feel less alone.

And because I love music (and I <3 Frou Frou):

"Drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply"

Have a great weekend!!

Rachel

Inner Work Update

I have not done a very good job lately on writing about all the Inner Work I've been doing. I work on it nearly weekly. Sometimes my progress seems significant, but usually it takes a few sessions to have much to write about. On the other hand, I could probably write in more detail if I wrote about each one. Regardless, it's time to catch up with what I'm working on now.

A few weeks ago, I found Dad down the stairs from my safe place. Eventually, I had to go back. When I returned, the door to his cell was open. I peeked inside and was startled to discover that it was empty. I was feeling nervous and very uncomfortable knowing he wasn't locked up where I left him. I backed away slowly. I reached behind me for the doorknob to the exit. Suddenly, he was behind me. He had his penis out and placed it into my hand. I turn around and stepped back in slow motion. 

I could move, but I couldn't scream. I couldn't talk, whisper or shout. I had gone mute. I started to panic and looked around for a way out. My heart was beating faster and faster, and the air was growing thick around me. I looked up and he was back in his cell again. I tried to figure out how to lock him in more permanently this time. I didn't want any more surprises. There was already a padlock on the door, so I added a second one. It was a feeble attempt at security, but I didn't know what else to do. Regardless of how well he was locked up, I knew I was going to have to face him again.

It became clear to me at this time that I was going to have to find a way to defeat him in my mind. Even though in reality I had him locked up, in my mind I am still vulnerable to him. He still frightens me. So I needed a plan.

This is war. And we will win on all fronts.

I've decided to create the "Army of Me".  I am summoning all the younger versions of myself, to face him together. Today, I spoke with the 17 year old, the 19 year old, the 11 year old, and briefly the 12 year old, although I suspect she still feels afraid and ashamed after being told she was acting seductively. My Actual Self summoned them with a horn. She looked larger than life today and very powerful. I thought about how she would be a great commander of my army. As she spoke to them, I suddenly remembered that my Actual Self was just that - she was me! I was powerful! I could command my own army! I took over and told my "selves" how much strength I was drawing for them, and the we were powerful together. Together we could defeat him, for each other. Before I left, I asked them to spread the word to the other selves. We will be meeting again before we will move forward in our victory.

VERY empowering song for me:

"I can feel a phoenix inside of me
As I march alone to a different beat
Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah

I am ready for the road less traveled
Suiting up for my crowning battle
This test is my own cross too bare
But I will get there

It’s never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the front line when the bomb starts to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall
I can’t ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?

I can feel this lightness inside of me
Growing fast into a bolt of lightning
I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah

So I pray for a favour like Esther
I need your strength to handle the pressure
I know there will be sacrifice
But that’s the price

Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don’t let the greatness get you down
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don’t let the greatness get you down, oh, oh yeah"

Rachel

Joyful Heart

The Joyful Heart Foundation was started by Mariska Hargitay who plays a detective on Law & Order: SVU, a show that I have spent many, many hours watching. I had heard about this organization before, but never got around to actually checking it. Today while on Facebook, I saw that my friend Allie had "liked" it. I followed the link to their fan page and finally to their website so I could get the full scoop.

I am so excited to have found it! The group is dedicated to helping survivors heal! It is well put together, thoughtful and thorough. It explains very well what trauma is and how it affects survivors. It talks about holistic healing approaches including aromatherapy, massage, meditation, journaling, etc. but states that they are to be used in conjunction with traditional therapy. They provide retreats for survivors as well as a "Heal the Healers" program for those professionals involved in survivors lives such as police, therapists, etc. They believe in healing, educating and empowering survivors.

If you get a chance, please check them out at www.joyfulheartfoundation.org. This is an organization I believe in and am very excited about!

Rachel

Book Intro

Thanks to an anonymous comment on my last blog post, I am feeling much about writing a book this morning and have already re-written my into to be more relevant. I thought I'd share:

"There are books that discuss the frequency of child sexual abuse in America. There are books that offer guidance to the healing process. There are even books that tell the stories of victims of child sexual abuse. This book if focused on what happens next – the healing process. There are other books out there like this as well, but I believe it deserves one more.

            Imagine you are in a forest. It’s nighttime and very dark out. You are alone. You know there is a path through the forest, but you can’t see it. Suddenly, there is a torch up ahead, dimly lighting the path a bit. You can see much better than you could before, but soon, you are past that light and back into darkness. Then a new light pops up, and another, some brighter than others. Eventually, there are enough torches that you can walk along confidently, and far less fearful. There are still going to be dangers ahead, but they will be much easier to face in the light.  Each book and each story shared provides a light for those still struggling. My hope is that this book would be another torch along someone’s path. It may be brighter for some than others, but in the dark, any amount of light is helpful."

Rachel

Feeling Discouraged

I'm not going to lie. I'm feeling a little discouraged at the moment. I want to write a book. No, more than that. I want to have a book published that shared the story of my healing process that is helpful to other survivor's and the loved ones. Because I apparently operate under the assumption that I know all, I thought there were not many books available like this. Tonight, I did a little research and found that there are actually quite a few quality books available on the exact same thing. 

So why bother writing another? Who would want to publish another? How could I be so arrogant to assume I was the first person to think of this? 

I'm finding it difficult to write much at the moment. It doesn't seem there is much reason too.

A Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Rachel,

Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. In retrospect, you'll always wish you had. Remember: "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." It's good advice, but can be hard to follow.

People are going to disappoint you in your life - people you love. It's best to just accept that fact and move on. If you want it done right, do it yourself! Or find someone you can really trust.

Speaking of which, be patient. You will find him. You'll jump in with both feet. There will be another, and you will know in your gut that he's not "The One". Hang in there. It won't take long and it will totally be worth it. You'll get your Prince Charming.

Enjoy life! Relax! Don't be afraid to have fun. To Laugh and dance. Sing your heart out. You know it makes you happy.

Listen when people tell you you're good at something, but don't expect it to come from the people you need it from the most. Figure out what you're good at and what you enjoy. Then do it some more!

Rachel, life is going to be tough for a while. You're going to want a way out and will consider some scary exit strategies. But you're stronger than that. The time will come when you will be more free than you can even imagine right now. There will be days when you will look in the mirror, at where you are and what your life has become and you will be blown away. You will feel so much love and happiness. You will even be so fortunate that it will be your everyday life and you will have the luxury of taking it all for granted. You'll be a grownup. Happily married to a man that treats you like his queen. You'll have a real job and a nice place to live. You won't have to live in fear everyday. You will make the decisions in your life. If you want to cut your hair (you will), then you do it! If you want to go to bed at 8pm, then you can! If you want to go to the mall, stay out all night, watch what you want on TV, YOU CAN!!! I know, it's mind boggling! I know you can't even allow yourself to imagine it right now, but just know that you'll get there. It'll be awesome. You're going to feel a lot better about yourself too. You'll still have your insecurities, like anyone else, but eventually you'll find things to be proud of within yourself. And you'll start writing. So pay attention in English class!

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't give up, on life or on yourself. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for your shortcomings. You're not going to lose control if you relax and feel, even if what you feel is anger. (That's going to be some tough advice to take as well.)

Love,

Rachel

P.S. "Kid, you’ll move mountains!

So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!" - "Oh! The Places You'll Go!" Dr. Suess




Linked to this blog: "A letter to my younger self" at Multiple Voices

A Shift in Perspective

Ok, first and foremost...

I'M FAMOUS!

Not really, but, I was quoted via my blog in a post that had thousands of views! Here's the lowdown. I am a member of a blogging network called BlogHer. I've posted a few things on there, and have also "Liked" them on Facebook. They post links on there several times a day. Today I was looking it over and got very excited when I saw one about Vaginismus. I followed the link to see what they had to say. It was basically an article explaining what it is. And then, on the second page, they used an excerpt my blog! With my name! And a link back to my blog!

Moving on...

I watched "The Secret" on Netflix a couple days ago. I remember having heard about the book when it came out. There was a lot of hype around it, but I never got around to reading it. I had a friend who had read it, and he summed it up by saying it was basically about imaging what you want in life. That was more or less it. The documentary/website makes it all seem very mystical, like its this powerful secret that the rich and powerful have been keeping from us for centuries. It's not. It's pure psychology + good old fashioned hard work. (By the way, it sort of brushes over that second part because that is not a popular notion and doesn't sell books.)

However, that doesn't mean it doesn't work.

In the midst of spring cleaning, I came across my old "dream board" that I had made at the beginning of 2010. The idea was to put up images that related to goals in Avon sales. When I pulled it out, I realized that I had achieved 3 out of 4 of my goals, without even realizing it. I wanted a new couch, health insurance, to pay off my car and a trip to Disney World. My new couch will be delivered tomorrow, I'm going to Disney World for my delayed honeymoon next week and our health insurance kicks in in April. I was stunned! 

Watching "The Secret" and finding my dream board really caused me to do some soul searching. What else had I gotten in life that I wanted? How else had the supposed secret worked for me when I didn't even realize that was what I was doing?  For one, I met Studdly Hubby, married him and am currently living happily ever after with him. Bonus: He chose a more lucrative career path along the way! I wanted a new job, and found one within 2 weeks. I wanted/needed a car a couple years ago, and we got one. I'm sure there are LOTS more examples in my life, but these are the ones coming to mind right now.

So where do I go from here? It's time to make a new dream board! I've been thinking about it a little, and there a few things I know I want to be represented on it:

• A published book
• Babies
• More blog readership/recognition
• A healthier body
• A college degree
• More to come later..

Anyway, besides wanting more, this all made me feel very grateful for what I have. I came from a terrible life, to being happily married and independent, with food on the table and clothes on my back. We still struggle financially, but we're getting by and then some. While going through my therapy, I tend to spend a lot of time "in my head". I think about my problems, how I'm going to write about my problems, how my problems affect/create other problems. It's not a great state of mind to stay in. This realization has helped me shift my focus. While I fully intend to keep up with my healing process, I can also focus on what I want in the future, both near and far. I need to see a more complete picture of my life, and take a step back and gain new perspective. 

Rachel

An Important Step

We hear stories of child abuse and sexual assault all the time. It seems never ending. Some celebrities have even had the courage to speak out about the things that have happened in their past. But many times, they are questionable role models, either because of they way they use their sexuality or their dangerous lifestyles.

As I've mentioned before, I'm always looking for strong role models. I'm a bit picky though. Yesterday morning, I caught the tail end of a news story about a senator who wrote a book entitled "Against All Odds". I didn't hear what it was about, but I had a feeling that I knew. The next day, I had a chance to Google it to get the rest of the story. (Here's a link to the video)

Senator Scott Brown (R-Mass) wrote an autobiography in which he shares that he was sexually abused by a camp counselor and physically abused by a stepfather. To me, this is huge. Here is a man who appears to have it all together. He went so far as to be elected senator in a very tough race (he won Ted Kennedy's seat) and has even had some talk about running for president.

Can you imagine the impact it would have on victims if the President of the United States shared that he was molested and abused? And for abused men, especially? It can oftentimes be even more difficult for them to speak up. But here is what seems to be a very masculine man in a well respected role and he was abused. 

Image from Amazon.com

(On a side note, he is a sexy beast...I love a good-looking man in a suit!!)

I am very excited and believe this could have a significant impact on our society. I can't wait to read the book!

Currently accepting donations. ;-)

Rachel

Another Hair-Brained Idea

I would love to create a group for survivors of sexual assault, representative of Central Indiana. I don't know what it all would be comprised of. It's more of a vague idea right now.

I think I would like to have a survivor's retreat (very much unlike the one I write about here). It would be a weekend of healing, bonding with others and learning/sharing helpful tips for coping with life after abuse. 

Mmm...and maybe a little of this too. :-)

I would like to create a survivor's conference. A full-day event focused on learning. There would be a key-note speaker and a variety of breakout sessions. There could be some about Victim's Rights, writing workshops, tips for looking for a therapist, info about PTSD, how families are affected when one member is abused, sexual dysfunction related to abuse, body image, etc. There's no shortage of options really.

There could be a (bi?)monthly newsletter full of helpful information, stories, advice and resources.

Maybe there could even be smaller groups, within the larger group for more local support. 

I personally know so many amazing women that are also survivor's, and they don't know each other! And I  know there are many, many more out there. Think of what we could all learn from each other! We could create such an amazing circle of support.

Is there anything out there like this already? Do you have any ideas? Any constructive criticism? Is it truly just a hair-brained idea?

Rachel

Rape vs. Sexual Abuse

In general, I try not to compare people's suffering, regardless of my own past. For example, let's say a family that has been living comfortably just lost a source of income and are therefore losing their home. Horrible? Yes. Worst thing that could happen? No. But you can go to that family and say "At least this, that and the other thing didn't happen." It's not particularly comforting. This is the scariest thing in their life right now.

I think of this often when it comes to abuse and sexual assault. You can't tell someone who was beat as a child that they should be grateful they weren't molested by their father. You can't tell someone who was molested by their father that they should be grateful they weren't beat by their father. These are events that damage someone on a deep level.

However, I've talked to more than one person who was raped (sometimes on more than one occasion) and couldn't help but think, "Wow. I can't even imagine what that must have been like." I think about how hard it has been to get to where I am today without that experience. 

I was listening to this song the other day in the car:

These lyrics stood out to me:

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I've been thinking a lot about my friend who was raped twice. I thought about all the work I knew she had done after the first time to heal. I know how exhausting some of that can be. To have to do it all again...I can't even imagine.

That, my friends, is resilience. 

The strange this is, some of those people say they can't imagine what I've been through. Why is that? Why are we so willing to claim the other person has suffered more? Is it a coping mechanism? Am I still unable to face the reality of the horror of my childhood and adolescence? 

I feel like I'm facing it much more than I did in the past, but I suspect it is still somewhat hidden - locked away. The few times I have allowed myself to let it in, it was terrifying. One night had a breakdown and sobbed for hours. Another time I had a horrific flashback and was completely distracted all day, in a way that is very unlike me. 

In the end, it doesn't matter whose experience was worse. We were all hurt, and are all healing, in one way or another. We often see similar lasting effects from these experiences, even if they were different. The really great thing is, we can draw from each other's strength. We don't have to do this alone.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind tonight. Hope you all are having a great start to your new year so far!

Rachel

Bonus:

This is the first page of my new planner.
I love it! It's full of inspiring artwork/sayings.
Will share more later!

Angels and Blog Buddies

Today's post is brought to you by...Angel Wings.

This if from the movie "Constantine" AMAZING wings on the angel Gabriel

Angel wings are one of my favorite images in the whole world. They are beautiful, soft and powerful all at once. I remember reading a story in Reader's Digest when I was much younger. The main character had survived a fire. She credited angels for her safety. She said that in the middle of the fire, she felt strong wings envelop her, protecting her from the flames. 

That story really stuck with me. I can vividly recall lying on my bed in the basement, feeling afraid and vulnerable. My stepdad would often come to my room at night when I was asleep, kneel next to my bed and reach under the covers to touch me. I would wake up, but pretend to stay asleep, and turn the other way. He would then kneel on the other side of the bed and try again. This could go on for awhile. For a long time it was important for me to sleep with my sheets well tucked in. 

In those times when I was so afraid, I would imagine an angel, holding me in his arms and wrapping his massive wings around me so that I was fully enveloped. It was incredibly comforting and was often enough to lull me to sleep.

Today, I was feeling especially stressed out about family things (I'll write about that another time). So I decided to take a bath, without the distraction of my Netflix. I had a lot to work through in my mind, so I lit some candles and played my "Relax" playlist on my iTunes.

This song was a bit more upbeat than the others and reminded me of running. Suddenly, in my mind, I was a little girl, I was running through a wooded area, and my stepdad was right behind me with his hands on me. I continued running, then jumped, kicking back against him and suddenly found myself flying through the air, sans wings. Once in the air I was an adult and had Aaron by my side. We were holding hands and flying through the sky. I looked back and saw that my stepdad had been knocked down by my kicking and appeared unconscious. The rest of my family was running along, as if though they too were trying to fly, but couldn't make the jump. 

On an unrelated note, I have found another blogger who is a survivor of sexual assault. I "met" her through a mutual friend. Even though our experiences are very different, I feel like we have an understanding of each other. It's amazing to actually talk to someone who "gets" things that you generally don't talk about, but instantly recognize in someone else. Dancing in the Moonlight is the name of her blog, and you can read it here. 

She also came across this quote the other day and said it reminded her of me:

"I swore never to be silent whenever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." - Elie Wiesel

That one's going on the Quote Page. :-)

Rachel