Little Bird, Ready To Fly!

Every morning, my alarm goes off around 6:45 am. I usually automatically hit the snooze on that one, not even consciously hearing it. Nine minutes later, the alarm goes off again. And again, I hit the snooze and fall right back to sleep. I don't have to be up until 7:30, but I personally hate jumping out of bed immediately. Eventually, I feel awake enough to pick up my fully charged phone from my nightstand and check my e-mails and Facebook, in that order. 

A couple months ago, a friend introduced me to an organization called "The Brave Girls Club". Instead of describing it myself, here is an excerpt from the website:

     "Brave Girls Club is a worldwide community of women who want to live the best, happiest, most productive       and fabulously brave life they can possibly live…and that means something different to every single one of us.

Brave Girls Club is an online community, a portal for amazing connections, a news source for everyday heroes, a resource for great ideas, amazing endeavors, everyday problem solving, realistic recipes and unforgettable get-togethers. Brave Girls Club is a place to feel free, to feel peace, and to feel brave. Brave Girls Club is not an exclusive club…every woman is invited. Brave Girls Club is life-changing fun, life-changing truths, and life-changing friendships."

www.bravegirlsclub.com

One of the many ways The Brave Girls Club connects is with a daily e-mail, otherwise known as your daily truth. I subscribe to these e-mails and those are always waiting for me in my inbox every morning. I'll admit, I don't read them everyday. Part of the reason for this is because the text is part of an image that is difficult to read on my phone. I always have the intent of checking it out later on my computer, but honestly, my inbox is bursting at the seams with those kinds of e-mails. A few days ago I realized that there is a plain text version at the end of the e-mail that is legible on a phone. Oops!

Most of the e-mails are very uplifting and motivating, although some are more relevant to me personally than others. A couple hours ago, I received my daily truth. At almost 9 pm. This was out of the ordinary, and even though I was in the middle of (finally!) watching "The Help", something told me I needed to read this one. Something in my gut told me that it was written for me. And sure enough:

"Dear Resilient Girl,

Something that is very frustrating, very confusing and sometimes so mysterious that we often do not even know it is happening, is when we have done the brave work of walking away from things that have trapped or enslaved us, yet we sit where the cage used to be and don't venture out very far past that area even though we are completely free to, even though we walked out of the cage that held us.

Don't feel bad if this is what is happening in your life dear girl. Just take notice, take responsibility and then take action. It is scary and uncomfortable to live in brave new ways, and it's sometimes exhausting and disappointing to to realize that getting out of the cage was just the beginning of the journey. You have to fly away now too. 

It is going to be incredible....just take one little step at a time....nothing is holding you back now....don't hold yourself back. You were always meant to be free in your soul and you were always meant to fly. It is time. Fly baby, fly!!!

You are so very loved,

Xoxo"

Wow. This is such an amazing description of where I am right now. It's so much easier to stay where that cage was, rather than live in a "brave new way[s]". But what kind of life is that? There is so much more out there, just waiting to be plucked off the vine like ripe fruit. I can stand under the tree, my mouth watering, cursing the tree's height, or I can go find a ladder! While this stage of the healing process can be very frustrating, scary and difficult, it's also incredibly exciting to know that it's going to get better. Because I am not going to give up on myself. What better gift can anyone give themselves?

If you want to get your own daily truth, click here. The Brave Girls Club also offers beautiful daily e-mails for girls and teens. Click here if you want to sign up for those! 

All the best,

Rachel

I Am a Four

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to attend a seminar on dealing with "Toxic People". It was somewhat targeted towards healthcare professionals, however, the information was invaluable for anyone. I could write a whole blog post on this topic alone, however, it is not all relevant. But, there were some things that the speaker, Dr. Paula Butterfield, touched on that were incredibly personally relevant to mua. One of those points was that we are unable to change these toxic people that come into our lives in one way or another, but we can change how we respond to them to diffuse the situation. Something that can be beneficial in this is more fully understanding yourself and the perspectives you bring to the situation. Dr. Butterfield suggested taking the Enneagram Test to learn about ourselves and then to use that information to build on our strengths. 

Always willing to take any kind of personality assessment, I dove in (and paid the $10 to do it) and took the test as soon as I got home. Based on the questions that were asked, I was shocked by how accurate and thorough my results were. Taken aback even. But the great thing about how thorough it was is that it included the dark sides. I've taken tests in the past such as the Meyer-Briggs (Jung Typology), but those results seemed to focus only the most positive aspects of the personality. (I'm an INFJ for those that are curious.) While I don't disagree with those results, the Enneagram helped me take a really honest look at myself. I wasn't thrilled with everything I saw, but it was all accurate. In this test, my personality type is a Four, or the Individualist, again, for those that may be curious.

free enneagram test

So what does that mean? Some of the key points are as follows:

• I long to be unique/special and to be recognized for it
• I want to fit in with a crowd with a glamorous lifestyle
• I have a secret fantasy self that I will never be able to live up to
• Understanding the very depths of my heart is important
• I can be moody/sullen
• I sometimes indulge in negative feelings because these feel honest and authentic
• And the list goes on...

Ok, so of what use is this information? In a word, GROWTH! I've stumbled across this at the perfect time in my healing journey because I have already started to recognize some of these things within myself. As I've shared before, I'm at a turning point. I'm working on moving past being a victim and integrating that "part" of myself into a whole self that is so much more. A "healthy" Four recognizes the bad habits, gives up the fantasy self and learns to live more practically in the real world. This is all part of what I need to do. 

Oversimplified, but I think you get it.

This is all actually connected to another point brought up at the seminar. For a long time, a great deal of psychological research was based on pathology, or what is wrong. Therapists were most interested in helping their clients reach a functional baseline, rather than helping the reach their potential. Eventually, there was a shift towards the study of positive psychology. Think of it this way: How we can help people reach overall wellness, if we only understand what is wrong? Shouldn't there be any understand of what is healthy and good? This really inspired me. Up until now, my blog has largely been a place for me to explore a wide range of emotions and issues based on my past. While that will not be completely abandoned, I feel like my blog also needs to reflect where I am now. My path is now much brighter than it was when I began, and I desperately hope there is a reader out there somewhere who has been inspired to brighten his or her own path along the way. That being said, I hope to incorporate more positive psychology. I want to share more inspiration, whether it be music, poetry, art, new research, or, of course, my own observations. I don't know exactly what that's going to look like yet, but I'm excited about the possibilities! And this semester is almost over, so I'm hoping that between having more time and a renewed vision, I will be more active on here yet again.

The third and final part of this post is a little piece of news that some of you who follow the Brighten the Path Facebook Page already know about. I have been asked to speak at an Annual Crime Victim's Breakfast in Missouri in April. I am so very excited to have this new opportunity. I have always wanted to try my hand at public speaking, and this is my first chance. It is terrifying, humbling and exciting! Not to mention nerve wracking!

And that's where I am right now. Progress has been slow the past several months, but I'm getting there! It feels good to be excited about my progress again.

P.S. - Just want to say sorry again to Simone for spilling my Diet Cherry Coke all over her rug at the end of my therapy session yesterday!! It looks like no damage was done, but it was NOT my smoothest moment!!

Have a great rest of the week!

Rachel

It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn

Today is the start of something new. I have so many thoughts spinning through my head because I'm so excited!!

The past few months have been difficult for me. I've felt blunted and numb for the most part. I had the best birthday and best Christmas of  my life, but other than that, I was in some kind of emotional limbo. I've worked through so much in the past year and a half and promptly found myself stuck. I was experiencing a very real "dark night of the soul". (Poem here. Background here.) I thought the new year was the perfect time to move forward, to pull myself up out of the hole I was living in and trying to crawl out of for the past several months. And, true to my nature, I expected immediate results, even though I know better that it doesn't work that way. However, I'm realizing that I have a touch of over-achiever in me (just a touch). So I pushed ahead. I kept rolling things around in my head, waiting for something to click.

I feel like I've taken a deep breath of fresh spring air
after a long, dark winter.

Today, something clicked. Of course it's all been happening under the surface gradually, but I was quite "feeling" it yet. In my inner work, Faye was showing up a little less frequently. Today, she and I traded places. I went to walk across the bridge to my safe place, and watched myself go form Faye's perspective. Ultimately, she is my ideal version of myself. And I'm slowly merging with her, although today's experience made this more evident. Later, I envisioned a warm bright white glow in the center of my chest. It was a feeling I had experienced strongly over a year ago. It was so pervasive then, I had two people ask me if I was pregnant. I've missed that glow so much. Now that I've had a taste of it yet again, I'm clinging to it as tightly as I can. I prayed all the way home from therapy for God to help me maintain it. 

I also heard this song on the way home:

(Lyrics here)

Incredible!! It says everything I'm feeling! I love life's little "coincidences" like that. I say "coincidences" in quotes because I generally do not believe in them. Another little coincidence...She wears a beautiful flowy white dress in the video just like the one Faye wears.

A few other thoughts that have come from today:

-I realized I don't need to find my biological father. I'd like to. It would be exciting and interesting. But I don't think I'm going to seek him out anymore. He's just not a necessary part of my life anymore. I don't need a father now. 

-I suddenly feel like I will be more capable of love. Not that I haven't loved people up til now, but I haven't shown it well. I've been needing love and support from others so much, that I think I've just been taking. I've been sucking the love right out of people. With moving forward and finding my own happiness, I can finally give. I can be more present in my relationships. I can really relate to others on a whole new level. It doesn't always have to come back to my little world. 

-If you've spent time around small children, you may have played a little game with them where they wrap their arms or hands around your ankles and you try to walk, dragging them along. I've been trudging along with my "past" and my "issues" wrapped around my ankles. Today, I am kicking off my boots. They can cling to those all they want, but I am choosing to run barefoot!

Ok 2012. I'm ready for you and the rest of my life now.

Rachel

On Perseverance...

I'm feeling proud of myself right now, and I really feel like sharing it. Doing my senior project (and getting an A, I might add) has felt like a major milestone for me. At Concordia, it's something every senior is required to do before graduating. It took me longer to get there, but I did it!

I've felt a lot of shame related to school in the past. And that's not completely gone. I'm still somewhat embarrassed by how long it's taken me and all the failure along the way. 

But I haven't given up.

Getting closer to the light at the end of the tunnel!

I've been really frustrated this semester by the back and forth of my anticipated graduation date. I feel like I finally, FINALLY have a grasp on things and have PTSD under control enough to succeed in school. That feels like a major accomplishment all on its own. So I may more ready than ever to be able to say that I am a college graduate. At this point, it looks like I'll be done at the end of this coming summer (I need a total of 20 more credits). I now have the confidence to say that I will be able to succeed. 

But I'm getting off track here. The point is, I have overcome a lot to get this far. I've grown in so many ways in the last year and half. And the exciting part? I'm not done! I'm still learning and growing! I just wish I could explain to people why I'm proud of myself when it comes to school even though it took a lot of failure to get here.

O well. If they don't get it, it's not my problem. I'm proud of me, and so is my husband. Even though he's almost done with his second bachelor's and I'm still working on my first, he has NEVER made me feel like less for it. He's understood and supported me, every step of the way, even when I've had to pay out of pocket for classes.

On a side note, the more quotes I stumble upon from Albert Einstein, the more I like him:

"It's not that I'm so smart, it's just that I stay with problems longer."  ~Albert Einstein

Rachel

Penn State

On occasion, I discover that I live under a rock. I didn't hear anything about the Penn State Sex  Abuse scandal until this week. I finally caught the gist of it yesterday, and sat down to read the whole story today. I thought this summed it up pretty well. (Thank to Dana McNulty for sending it my way!)

I am blown away.

Who knew Einstein was so wise outside
of science?

There are several things that strike me about this whole thing. One: Why is there so much focus on Joe Paterno? Why did I know his name before I knew Sandusky's? Is it because he is was such a successful football coach? Because he is so beloved? These reports were ignored over and over and over again, by multiple individuals. Paterno did report what he had been told to Penn State Security. It was the right first step. And then he went on his merry way, absolved of any legal responsibility.  Should he have reported it the police? Absolutely. Should he have made enough noise that the reports couldn't be ignored and had to be investigated fully? ABSOLUTELY. But what about the two men who were the heads of security and failed to report if to the police? All they did was basically say "If you're going to be raping, molesting and sodomizing boys, please don't do it here! Stick to your organization for at-risk youth (The Second Mile)!" They turned a blind eye. It seems obvious that they knew something was going on, since they took enough action to cover their own butts, and failed to do even that. Yes, they are being charged with a felony, but where is the media coverage of all this? What about the eyewitnesses? Why didn't they report it to the police? 

One of the other things that horrified me was when I discovered that Sandusky started and remained an active participant in The Second Mile, a non-profit organization for at-risk youth. I'll give you a second to let that sink in. Got it? Ok. It's horrifying to think that he was using this group as his own personal harem of young boys. With that in mind, I think this is an excellent time to visit things parents need to be on the lookout for. Sandusky was someone that it appeared could be trusted. After all, he was trying to help children. Surely he wouldn't hurt them, right? We can trust him to be alone with our children without any questions or scrutiny, right? WRONG. I'm not blaming the parents of these boys. Someone who should have been trust worthy took advantage of his position. But we can learn from this and prevent it from happening to other children. Jen Bushore-Barry, Director of Heartford House, a neutral, child-friendly place in Lafayette for children to be interviewed when there have been abuse allegations, directed me to "Darkness To Light". It is an excellent program aimed at preventing child sexual abuse. They offer 7 "common sense" steps that we all need to be reminded of. PLEASE take a moment to check it out. You don't have to be a parent to utilize some of it. We all need to watch out for each other and each other's children. If you don't have time to read it now, bookmark and come back to it as soon as you can. Please make it a priority. 

I hope Sandusky is put away for a long time. Actually, I think a life sentence in these cases is not extreme. I hope Penn State is fully investigated to see who all knew about these allegations and chose not to act or to cover it up and are punished accordingly. I hope other institutions, not just universities, take this opportunity to investigate how they handle these kinds of situations and in-service their staff on it. 

Finally, I'll leave you with this thought from the Journal and Courier:

"Here's a hypothetical situation. What would do if you're walking through your factory floor or office hallways and you spot a supervisor jabbing a knife into one of your customers or the mailroom clerk?

If you said anything other than call 911 or do something else to immediately make the carnage stop, you might want to check your priorities - and perhaps your spine.

So why is it when someone spots a colleague or a supervisor - or anyone else, for that matter - committing an act of sexual violence against a child, the instinct is to follow some sort of workplace protocol?"

Rachel

Insert Title Here

I'm not really sure what to write here tonight. I've been dealing with something lately, although I'm not sure what it is. My emotions have been abnormally close to the surface for the past several weeks. I've been having some uncomfortable dreams, some not so uncomfortable and some just silly, although I don't really feel like sharing them right now. But thanks to those dreams, I haven't been sleeping well. I was dog-tired all day today. I've had people tell me I look tired on several occasions lately. I get enough hours of sleep, but the quality is just not there.

Several months ago, I was feeling really confident in myself, my future and plans to change the world. The song "Firework" by Katy Perry really spoke to my heart. But lately, that spark just isn't there. I'm still confident, but not in a "blazing brightly" kind of way. Before, I had plans to write my book and didn't question (much) what would happen after that. Now I worry how I'm ever going to make it good enough to get published and the recognition I so deeply desire. I wonder what I'm really going to be able to do to help survivors. I want to revolutionalize the way our culture views survivors. I want them to understand. In theory, my book would help do that. In theory, the support group I'm trying to start up this semester will be a very small step towards helping that. But even there I feel clueless. What do I know about running a support group? It reminds me of the children's poem by Shel Silverstein:

Whatif

Last night, while I lay thinking here, Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear And pranced and partied all night long And sang their same old Whatif song: Whatif I'm dumb in school? Whatif they've closed the swimming pol? Whatif I get beat up? Whatif there's poison in my cup? Whatif I start to cry? Whatif I get sick and die? Whatif I flunk that test? Whatif green hair grows on my chest? Whatif nobody likes me? Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me? Whatif I don't grow talle? Whatif my head starts getting smaller? Whatif the fish won't bite? Whatif the wind tears up my kite? Whatif they start a war? Whatif my parents get divorced? Whatif the bus is late? Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight? Whatif I tear my pants? Whatif I never learn to dance? Everything seems swell, and then The nighttime Whatifs strike again!

I guess I'm just in a little bit of a dark place right now.

Like I said, I don't really have much to say here tonight. I just wanted to say I'm here, and once I process whatever it is I'm dealing with, I'll fill you in.

Here's hoping I get some good sleep tonight.

Rachel

DINKS?

I've had a couple things buzzing around my brain lately. School is obviously one of them. I'm getting myself geared up for this crazy semester and enjoying my last few moments of freedom before they are eaten up by homework/studying/research.  The second is babies.

Normally when I bring up babies it's because I'm longing to start a family of my own. But I have a lot of concerns in doing so. When you look at the statistics of child sexual abuse, the perpetrator is almost always someone close to the family, or someone trusted. This point is even more exaggerated by the fact that Aaron's dad is currently serving time for being a pedophile. So what are you supposed to do? You can't go through life not trusting anyone. You can't keep your child strapped to your hip 24/7/365. The thought of something happening to my child terrifies me - and he/she doesn't even exist. 

Aaron made the comment that I can't let that fear rule my life, and he's right, but I can't shake it. For me, it feels like a huge risk to bring a child into this life when I know how damaging a traumatic experience can be. I've had more than one person tell me it's "worth the risk", but for me, that kind of comment belittles my experience. When you've been through what I've been through, you can decide if it's worth the risk.

They made it work.

So I did what I always do when I'm facing a decision or new idea. I research it. I started looking into the intentionally child-free lifestyle, which includes individuals and couples who have chosen, for a variety of reasons, to not have children or adopt. There are a lot of good reasons that people choose this and there are a lot of perks that come with it. I've been trying to imagine my life without children. Aaron and I would be what is known as DINKs - Double Income No Kids. We could settle down in a nicer smaller house than I originally dreamed. We could travel as much as we wanted to. We could pick everything up and move across the country without worrying about the affect it would have on children. We would have more time and attention for each other. We could have nicer cars and nicer things.

On the other hand, the fantasy feels lonely. Although having children to heal loneliness doesn't seem fair either. But "things" can't replace a child. I just don't know that I could ever be happy in giving up a family. I've been trying to ask myself why I want children. I can't come up with a good reason. Honestly, I can't come up with a good reason for anyone to start a family. Most of us feel the need to because it's a natural urge, but now that our planet doesn't require us to populate it, I think we have the luxury to stop and really think about whether or not its the best decision for each person/couple. I think Aaron and I would make great parents. I think I have a strong maternal instinct and a fairly good intuition about people, and Aaron even more so. If a child were to come into our life, we would accept it and love it with all we have. I'm just not sure at this point if I want to seek that child out. 

Maybe this is a phase I'm going through. Maybe in a few years when Aaron is out of school and we both have jobs and the idea of starting a family is an immediate possibility I'll feel different. Heck, I might feel different in a month. Or maybe not. I don't know. But I feel like it was important to share this, because I know there are other survivors out there that feel the same way.

It's how I feel. You don't have to agree or disagree. Just try to understand.

Rachel

Another Sex Post

I haven't posted anything recently dealing with Vaginismus because things have been going alright in the department. There are still some times when it can be a struggle, but overall, it is still an improvement from a year ago. That being said, there are still other problems. Vaginismus technically refers to the inability to relax the vaginal muscles to allow painless penetration. But depending on the cause, there is likely to be other issues as well.

For example, I tend to rush through foreplay. In the back of my mind, penetration is the goal, partly because that was the case in overcoming Vaginismus. However, that can exacerbate the issue because then I am not aroused enough. Honestly, you know its a problem when your husband thinks there isn't enough foreplay! But I was talking to Simone today, and realized something. All of the years I was being abused, there was never any penetration or oral sex. And now, those are the things I focus on. They are new and exclusive to Aaron. There was a time when those two things were my greatest fear, but I've been able to work past that. But any other kind of touching comes with more baggage. 

With Aaron being in Colorado for most of the summer, it gives us the opportunity to talk about these sorts of things without any perceived pressure to have sex. We can both share how we feel about the current status about of our life, and where we see it going. The good news is, we have the same goals. 

Now that I've worked through a few major issues, I'm able to focus on this one. I'm just incredibly blessed to have a husband who has been so patient over the last 4 years. Sexual intimacy isn't the most important part of a marriage, but it is a major part of it. To him I say...

Rachel

Jesus and E.T.

Last Friday night I had some more drama with my family. I'm not going to go into all the details here, but I will say I was feeling particularly in need of comfort. Studdly Hubby was there for me, but I needed some extra nurturing. So I headed to the tub for a bubble bath. I put on some music and lit some candles to help me relax.

I wanted to do some "Inner Work" -  to go to a place of healing and beauty. It took me a while to get to my "happy place". My mind kept wandering from one thing to another, but eventually, I stepped into that familiar landscape.

The first thing I noticed was how I looked. Everything was normal, except for a light shining through my chest. The best way I can think to describe is going to sound a bit blasphemous, so bear with me. Have you ever seen that painting of Jesus where his heart is shining through his robes? No? Here's the one I'm talking about:

Now, do you remember the end of Steven Spielberg's "E.T" when E.T.'s heart starts to glow? Here's a reminder:

I think you see where I'm going with this. Combine the two, and you'll get an idea of what I was seeing. I felt like my heart was glowing through my chest, like it's only protection was tissue paper thin. It felt exposed, but very alive. I looked up, and my "actual self" was standing in her usual place, beckoning me to come closer. Her heart was glowing and exposed as well. 

We embraced, heart to heart. She reassured me that it was ok for my heart to feel like that. After years of numbing myself physically and emotionally, it was time for my heart to come back to life! 

Maybe that's why I've been especially emotional lately. I'm opening my heart and it's allowing me to feel on a whole new level. I feel like I'm PMSing all the time, minus the agitation. I cried during a cat food commercial, I cried when Lauren sand a song to her mother on American Idol, I cried when I read an article about the deadly tornado in Missouri and I cried when Rachel and Curt got to sing on a Broadway stage on Glee. Today, I felt like our typical little jokes were just a little funnier. I felt a little more light hearted and silly. And don't tell anyone, but I even enjoyed sex a little more! 

Could this be the start of yet another chapter in my healing journey? Or was it that extra cup of coffee I had this morning? Time will tell!

Rachel

In Mourning

I wrote my last post last night, but couldn't publish it until today because, *gasp* Blogger was down! Since I initially wrote it, I've had time to process my feelings. And I've come to the conclusion that I am in mourning.

I am grieving the loss of my relationship with my family, whether it was positive or not. I'm grieving the loss of a part of my identity. I've always identified myself as part of a large family. The eldest daughter. The big sister. Those don't really feel like active roles anymore. I have been stripped of them in one way or another. 

But it goes even deeper than that. I've always felt somewhat maternal towards my sisters, particularly the youngest one. When she was little, I carried her everywhere. It's a wonder she ever learned how to walk! I remember our elementary school teachers calling me her second mom. My nickname for her was "Chica". I don't even remember how it got started. 

In high school, when Mom checked out in many ways, I was the one working, going to school and making dinner for 7 people. I felt responsible for them in many ways, even if we didn't always get along. I remember a day when Mom was driving me back to college after a weekend. My baby sister, who was 9 at the time, stood in the doorway with the saddest most heartbreaking look on her face. I felt a knot in the pit of my stomach, feeling guilty for leaving her there. 

In the next few years, I had a difficult time letting go of that responsibility, but I had to. My sisters did not see me as an authority. Nobody was listening to anything I had to say. I knew I had to let go, but it was not easy to do. I think I'm still working on it.

And so I mourn. Today, I felt physically bruised. My bones ached and my insides felt sore. I felt worn out. 

(Left to right) Me, Emily, Abby, Mom, Maria and Caroline

I realized yesterday, that of all the people that have come and gone throughout my life, the ones that have hurt me the most have been my immediate family. They may not always know they're doing it, but they are. Some of my greatest support has come from the most unlikely places; co-workers, cousins I never talked to before, friends of friends that I only know via the internet, bloggers that I only know through the internet, friends from college that I wasn't even that close to at the time...

God has blessed me over and over with a support system. I need to learn to refocus my attention on them rather than chasing after support from those that don't know how to give it.

Rachel

What I Haven't Been Blogging About

There is a topic that has been lingering on behind the back burner. It's not something I had to worry about, but a week or so ago, it was nudged forward. Aaron's father is currently serving time in prison for molesting children. He didn't deny that it happened and is remorseful. 

Which way am I supposed to go?!
My life feels really complicated sometimes.

We found out sometime before we got married what had been going on. Aaron didn't even want to tell me. The court case I had gone through was still very fresh. I was stunned. I had no clue how to even deal with this revelation and so I didn't. Since then, I've encouraged Aaron in his relationship with his dad. He's visited him in prison and written to him occasionally. This I've supported 100%.  The time came when Aaron expressed a desire for me to come with him to visit his father. This I was absolutely not comfortable with. I felt guilty for saying no, because I knew it would mean a lot to Aaron to have me with him there, but I couldn't do it.

The last letter we received mentioned that he would be out of prison by next summer. I knew then that Aaron and I were going to have to talk about how we were going to deal with that. At the end of the letter, he may some comment referring to the fact that he would be struggling a bit financially. I knew then/worried that Aaron would want to help him out. Sure enough, he came to me later and said he would like to help him buy a computer, as that is an interest they have in common. I wasn't sure how to respond yet, so I didn't.

I finally approached Aaron last night and let him know I was concerned and that I felt like we needed a plan for how we are going to navigate that relationship when the time comes. We didn't completely agree with my view points, but understood why I felt the way I did. This is something that is very emotional and difficult for both of us. It breaks my heart to see him in this position. He loves both a perpetrator and a victim. By the end of the conversation, we hadn't really resolved anything, but Aaron did agree to come to therapy with me so that we could discuss it further with an unbiased third party to help mediate.

It's at times like these when I reflect on 2 points. 1 - Life can be really unfair. It totally sucks that we even have to deal with this. I can't even imagine how Aaron must feel, partly because he doesn't really talk about it much. 2 - I am so grateful for the relationship we have. Even though I cried and the look on Aaron's face told me how he was feeling, we kept calm and communicated our points without yelling at each other. Even though he wasn't feeling particularly affectionate immediately after, we moved passed it and laughed together that same night.

I really do love that man.

Rachel

Doppelganger Dad

There is a symptom of PTSD that has really been bothering me lately. It's been a problem all along, but once I notice it, it comes up more frequently. 

Do you ever see someone who briefly looks just like someone that you know it can't be? Maybe your grandmother that has passed away, or a friend that lives hours away and has no reason to be where you are at the moment? For those that don't know, a doppelganger is a look-alike. It also has some other, more traditional and very interesting meanings which you can view here. (You're welcome) I have this all the time, except its my dad who is actually locked up in prison in northern Michigan. 

Usually this is a very brief feeling. I see someone that walks like him, or has hair like him or sometimes just reminds me of him for some reason. A split second later, I am back in reality, but still feel very shaken. I feel foolish for even having that reaction when I know he's locked up. I even check his prison page routinely to give myself a reality check and reassure myself that he's still there. (BTW, if they would update the photo more often, it would feel more real.)  I feel frustrated that this is even a part of my life. I feel vulnerable and unsafe, because someday, he won't be locked up. 

When I first disclosed the abuse, I was living in a dorm. I gave his photo and information to security and let them know he wasn't allowed near me. It actually made me feel more protected. I also had multiple male friends that I knew would protect me if it came to that.

But what about now that I'm the real world? I spend the day in the workplace, surrounded by co-workers, not close friends. If he walked through the door, no one would question it. We get all kinds of people visiting our residents. No one would warn me. No one would send him away or call the police. They would have no idea. I don't even want to think about what would happen if he showed up at our apartment when I was alone. I already have nightmares about it. 

I know the likelihood of him showing up within the next 3 years is 1 in 1 billion. But this isn't about what I think will really happen. It's about the feeling I get when I see someone like him. 

It actually happened today at work. I saw someone coming down the hallway while I was standing at the nurses station. I can't even tell you why it reminded me of him. I couldn't even tell you what the man looked like, because it doesn't matter. But I had to fight back tears. Not because of this single incident, but because earlier that day I saw someone in a pick-up truck (his vehicle of choice) that reminded me of him. And because there have been several other incidents lately. I feel like my life is being intruded upon.

In theory, this will get better once I "defeat" the power he has in my mind. Maybe then I will feel safer.

For now, I need to relax more. Anyone know of a good place to get a massage around here? :-P

For the record...here are a couple of my dopplegangers:

MyHeritage: Celebrity Morph - Old photos - Roots

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebs

Rachel

Beauty in the Breakdown

I know my last post sounded dramatic. My knee-jerk reaction is to apologize, but in reality, it's exactly what I was feeling and that this blog is about being honest about life after abuse. Moments of depression and anxiety are most certainly a significant part of that.

So I've shared how I felt, by what's more important is why I felt it. There were a lot of things going through my mind the last couple weeks. While each issue played a part in my mood change, there was one hanging over my head that I put off exploring. It struck me that I could be clinging to my label as "Survivor". With all this thought being put into defeating Dad in my mind, I've been forced to consider "What's next?" 

Like anyone else, I am sometimes afraid of change, and I know that there is one on the horizon. But I don't know exactly what that change will look like. Let's say I defeat him. Then what will I write about? Where will I find my inspiration? I've found an incredible amount of strength and inner confidence in the past 7 months or so. Without the pain, what more will I have to overcome? How will I feel strong and centered and inwardly beautiful? At my highest points throughout all this, that is exactly how I felt.

I know this sounds illogical. Why would I want to be in pain? Isn't the point of all this to heal? It certainly is, and of course, I don't want to be in pain. But on some level, it's all I know. Who am I without it? What kind of depth will my character have?

I've always had an overwhelming desire to feel special. Maybe that's part of what made me a good easy victim. I was eager to please, to be the "good child" and that was taken advantage of. However, I've felt like surviving my past without turning to drugs or alcohol or another abuse relationship made me special. Not giving up made me special. Being able to write about all of it made me special. So what makes me special when I'm not dealing with it anymore? When it's all been sorted through? Why should it even matter?

Well, I don't have an answer to that last question. When I figure that out, I'll let you know. However, I have some kind of answer to the rest. As part of my therapy tonight, I went to my happy place to have a pow-wow with my Actual Self. I needed to better understand this new realization and what it would mean for the future. She reminded me that even though I may deal with my past, I'll have learned a whole new skill set in terms of dealing with any of life's pain, because pain is inevitable in all human lives. In fully processing my past and my emotions, I will better be able to identify it in others, and be able to relate to them on a whole other level. If I can learn to write while dealing with all of this, there is no reason I can't write about other things in life later. And speaking of later in life, my Actual Self also reminded me that at different times in my life, I may have a whole new set of things to deal with relating to my past. For example, he may be a free man 2 weeks after my birthday in 2015. The reality of him being able to physically be out in the world again is a scary thought right now. Having children will certainly change things, as I imagine I will struggle with being over-protective and paranoid. So I will need to revisit things from time to time.

Another thing I realized tonight is that defeating my dad in my mind, is really defeating his power over me. I hope that this will make his prison release easier for me to deal with. If I can know in my heart and not just my mind that he is a weak old man, I will feel much safer. 

Today, I am feeling much better. Having explored that feeling has lifted a weight off my shoulders. I know there will be more difficult days ahead, but that's life and that's healing. I'm ready to face the next portion of my path. It looks a little brighter now than it did before. In my imagination, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and once I reach it, I explode into a burst of colorful light, freed, empowered and ready to fly.

Yeah, it's abstract. Just roll with it.

Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive since I shared how I was feeling. Studdly Hubby has been especially attentive to my "Love Tank" this week and I know I would have sunk much deeper into the dark place had he not. My (2nd) adopted big brother has really had my back as well. He really puts a lot of thought into the words he chooses. Ironically, my first adopted big brother is a lot like him in that sense. What can I say, I know how to pick 'em. :-D Thank you to those of you who shared that you could relate. Feeling special and feeling alone are two very different things, and you helped me feel less alone.

And because I love music (and I <3 Frou Frou):

"Drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply"

Have a great weekend!!

Rachel

I have PTSD too.

I was messing around on the internet this morning and came across this little story:

"Today, at a neighborhood BBQ my neighbor’s son - a 25 year old Marine – dropped to the floor and started crying when one of the other guests lit off a round of firecrackers. " -Marc and Angel Hack Life

It was really touching and I could easily imagine this man, full of fear, and ashamed of his inability to cope better in a safe setting. 

I could also imagine the other people at the BBQ. They were probably touched as well. I'm sure they comforted him, maybe some of them went into the house with him to be sure he was ok. Then they probably started talking about how he's been "different" since he's come home. They probably talked about how terrible war is, which may have led to talks about whether or not our country should even be involved in one, and putting American lives at risk.

But I would be willing to bet that nobody there judged him. No one would deny that he has been through hell. No one would be surprised to see that he is still dealing with it all. No one would blame him for not being stronger.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is ugly and unfair. Having survived the trauma isn't enough. Your body is still on high alert, ready to protect you at any given moment. This causes your emotions to be raw and in a touchy state. You relive the event whenever something reminds you of it. 

PTSD was first recognized in veterans. Historical records show soldiers with symptoms to varying degrees, depending on cultural implications, but the the term post-traumatic stress disorder was coined in the 1970s. Eventually, some smart people figured out that people who experienced other kinds of trauma were experiencing the same symptoms. 

But how does the community respond to those other victims? They seem willing to accept that our men in uniform may still be struggling with life after war. But with victims of abuse, it seems the community is quiet. They are generally willing to see that it is a problem. Abuse happens, and that much we can face. But once those victims are no longer being abused, what kind of support is out there? Its seems fairly limited. In the greater Lafayette area, there is one support group that I have been able to find for survivors of sexual assault. ONE. What about the workplace? Do you think employers would be a little more understanding if a veteran had a reaction to something rather than a survivor of abuse? I believe that they would see the survivor as weak, and that they need to "get over it" because, after all, that was 7 years ago! 

A lot of this is just my perception, so it's possible that it's not entirely accurate. But I have to wonder, are other survivors perceiving it this way as well? What can we do to change this? Is it all in my head?

This is something I feel really strongly about. I would really appreciate it you would please take a few moments to visit The United States Department of Veteran Affairs and look over their information on PTSD. A little education goes a long way. Thank you.

Rachel

Our Honeymoon

3 years, 8 months and 1 day from our wedding, Studdly Hubby and I finally departed on our honeymoon. It was my first vacation since I was a teenager (not counting visiting family). We had been talking about going to Disney World for a couple years, and finally decided to use our piddly little savings and tax return to make it happen. And let me tell you, even if we have to eat Ramen noodles for the next 2 months, it was totally worth it.

We flew out on Tuesday night after I got off work. It was my first flight and I was really nervous. My boss in activities suggested I swallow a lot during take-off and the landing to prevent my ears from popping. I tried but my mouth was so dry from my nerves that I couldn't do it! Once the plane started, I grabbed Aaron's hand and closed my eyes. I used some skills I had learned in therapy to calm myself down and managed to make it into the sky with much less anxiety than I would have experienced otherwise.

After we landed, we hunted down a taxi van that was also shuttling a man and a group of 3 women. The man was dropped off first at a gorgeous, probably 5 star, hotel. I jokingly started to follow him out of the van and told Aaron I'd see him in the morning! After he had his luggage, we were one our way. We pulled up at another beautiful hotel, and Aaron said "Is this one ours?" I laughed and told him it was not. Ours was $50 on Priceline. The three women got out and we drove on, passing other beautiful hotels. We held our breath, waiting to see where ours was and what it looked like. Finally, we pulled into a parking lot shared by Country Inn and Suites and several other restaurants and stores, including the one right in front of the hotel - Kabob and Curry. After the big 4/5 star hotels, the difference really tickled me. But the hotel was clean and the staff was friendly. They had a good free breakfast as well as a free shuttle to Disney (that was an adventure of it's own, by the way). But the best part of all, was the jacuzzi. That's right. I upgraded our room to a jacuzzi suite. It was normally $30 a night, but I used my super negotiating skills to get it for $15. I was worth every penny.

The next day, we were off to our ultimate destination. Disney World truly is as magical as the commercials claim, particularly the Magic Kingdom. There was a show right in front of Cinderella's Castle right after we entered the park. We missed the beginning, but we did see that it featured Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald, Maleficent, Hook, Peter Pan and more. I got so swept up by the whole thing that I actually got a bit teary-eyed. The fact that I was PMSing led to my emotions being close to the surface and I could not hold it back! It was a perfect start to an amazing day. We went to the Hall of Presidents, rode Aladdin's Magic Carpet, the Jungle Cruise, It's a Small World (never again!), Pirates of the Caribbean and on and on. 

Here's a link to the photos!

But the most significant part for me was that night. I've written about our wedding night before. It was a shamble and probably one of the biggest disappointments of my life. I've been working on healing vaginismus since then, and have made progress, but our wedding night still hung over my head. On some level (not a logical one), I felt some guilt about it. It was my issues and my history that was preventing my husband and I from enjoying a normal healthy sex life, from having intercourse as newlyweds. But the night after the Magic Kingdom, I reflected on our first attempt as we had sex. I mentally and emotionally re-wrote that  failed attempt. I allowed this time to truly be our honeymoon and finally let go of the previous. I've come far enough now that I no longer feel guilt. I'm still momentarily frustrated when things don't go as well as I would like, but we've come so far and have finally had the honeymoon we needed.

The next two days we went to Animal Kingdom and Epcot. Animal Kingdom was a let-down for me, but still nice. I guess I expected more animals or more animal interaction. It felt a bit like a really amazing zoo that didn't have enough animals. Epcot, on the hand, was amazing. We got there at open and stayed through the fireworks show and barely had time to see it all. We didn't even have time to go on some of the rides we wanted to!

On Saturday, we rented a car and started the long drive home. While we would have liked to have flown back, tickets were over $300/person, so that made the choice for us. This cut off a day that we could have gone to Hollywood Studios, but I'd never seen anything south of Indy, so this was a great opportunity to see some more of the good old US of A. We stayed overnight near Chattanooga and finished the drive on Sunday. We got home that night, unpacked and collapsed on our bed. Monday morning was back to work and school.

Rachel

A Letter to My Younger Self

Dear Rachel,

Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. In retrospect, you'll always wish you had. Remember: "Those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter." It's good advice, but can be hard to follow.

People are going to disappoint you in your life - people you love. It's best to just accept that fact and move on. If you want it done right, do it yourself! Or find someone you can really trust.

Speaking of which, be patient. You will find him. You'll jump in with both feet. There will be another, and you will know in your gut that he's not "The One". Hang in there. It won't take long and it will totally be worth it. You'll get your Prince Charming.

Enjoy life! Relax! Don't be afraid to have fun. To Laugh and dance. Sing your heart out. You know it makes you happy.

Listen when people tell you you're good at something, but don't expect it to come from the people you need it from the most. Figure out what you're good at and what you enjoy. Then do it some more!

Rachel, life is going to be tough for a while. You're going to want a way out and will consider some scary exit strategies. But you're stronger than that. The time will come when you will be more free than you can even imagine right now. There will be days when you will look in the mirror, at where you are and what your life has become and you will be blown away. You will feel so much love and happiness. You will even be so fortunate that it will be your everyday life and you will have the luxury of taking it all for granted. You'll be a grownup. Happily married to a man that treats you like his queen. You'll have a real job and a nice place to live. You won't have to live in fear everyday. You will make the decisions in your life. If you want to cut your hair (you will), then you do it! If you want to go to bed at 8pm, then you can! If you want to go to the mall, stay out all night, watch what you want on TV, YOU CAN!!! I know, it's mind boggling! I know you can't even allow yourself to imagine it right now, but just know that you'll get there. It'll be awesome. You're going to feel a lot better about yourself too. You'll still have your insecurities, like anyone else, but eventually you'll find things to be proud of within yourself. And you'll start writing. So pay attention in English class!

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't give up, on life or on yourself. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself for your shortcomings. You're not going to lose control if you relax and feel, even if what you feel is anger. (That's going to be some tough advice to take as well.)

Love,

Rachel

P.S. "Kid, you’ll move mountains!

So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!" - "Oh! The Places You'll Go!" Dr. Suess




Linked to this blog: "A letter to my younger self" at Multiple Voices

A Shift in Perspective

Ok, first and foremost...

I'M FAMOUS!

Not really, but, I was quoted via my blog in a post that had thousands of views! Here's the lowdown. I am a member of a blogging network called BlogHer. I've posted a few things on there, and have also "Liked" them on Facebook. They post links on there several times a day. Today I was looking it over and got very excited when I saw one about Vaginismus. I followed the link to see what they had to say. It was basically an article explaining what it is. And then, on the second page, they used an excerpt my blog! With my name! And a link back to my blog!

Moving on...

I watched "The Secret" on Netflix a couple days ago. I remember having heard about the book when it came out. There was a lot of hype around it, but I never got around to reading it. I had a friend who had read it, and he summed it up by saying it was basically about imaging what you want in life. That was more or less it. The documentary/website makes it all seem very mystical, like its this powerful secret that the rich and powerful have been keeping from us for centuries. It's not. It's pure psychology + good old fashioned hard work. (By the way, it sort of brushes over that second part because that is not a popular notion and doesn't sell books.)

However, that doesn't mean it doesn't work.

In the midst of spring cleaning, I came across my old "dream board" that I had made at the beginning of 2010. The idea was to put up images that related to goals in Avon sales. When I pulled it out, I realized that I had achieved 3 out of 4 of my goals, without even realizing it. I wanted a new couch, health insurance, to pay off my car and a trip to Disney World. My new couch will be delivered tomorrow, I'm going to Disney World for my delayed honeymoon next week and our health insurance kicks in in April. I was stunned! 

Watching "The Secret" and finding my dream board really caused me to do some soul searching. What else had I gotten in life that I wanted? How else had the supposed secret worked for me when I didn't even realize that was what I was doing?  For one, I met Studdly Hubby, married him and am currently living happily ever after with him. Bonus: He chose a more lucrative career path along the way! I wanted a new job, and found one within 2 weeks. I wanted/needed a car a couple years ago, and we got one. I'm sure there are LOTS more examples in my life, but these are the ones coming to mind right now.

So where do I go from here? It's time to make a new dream board! I've been thinking about it a little, and there a few things I know I want to be represented on it:

• A published book
• Babies
• More blog readership/recognition
• A healthier body
• A college degree
• More to come later..

Anyway, besides wanting more, this all made me feel very grateful for what I have. I came from a terrible life, to being happily married and independent, with food on the table and clothes on my back. We still struggle financially, but we're getting by and then some. While going through my therapy, I tend to spend a lot of time "in my head". I think about my problems, how I'm going to write about my problems, how my problems affect/create other problems. It's not a great state of mind to stay in. This realization has helped me shift my focus. While I fully intend to keep up with my healing process, I can also focus on what I want in the future, both near and far. I need to see a more complete picture of my life, and take a step back and gain new perspective. 

Rachel