If No One Will Listen

Here are some inspirational lyrics I plan to use for the opening reading at week one of the support group. Here is a link to the song.


Maybe no one told you
There is strength in your tears
And so you fight to keep from pouring out
But what if you unlock the gate that keeps your secret soul
Do you think there's enough to that you might drown?

If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one is left
Standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

No one can tell you where you alone must go
There's no telling what you will find there
And, God, I know the fear that eats away at your bones
Screaming every step, "Just stay here"


If you find your fists are raw and red from beating yourself down
If your legs have given out under the weight
If you find that you've been settling for a world of gray
So you wouldn't have to face down your own hate
If no one will listen
If you decide to speak
If no one is left
Standing after the bombs explode
If no one wants to look at you
For what you really are
I will be here still

Keeping My Head Up

A little song that I've really been appreciating lately:



I've been waiting on the sunset 
Bills on my mindset 
I can get deny they're getting high 
Higher than my income 
Income's breadcrumbs 
I've been trying to survive 

The glow that the sun gives 
Right around sunset 
Helps me realize 
This is just a journey 
Drop your worries 
You are gonna turn out fine. 
Oh, you'll turn out fine. 
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine. 

But you gotta keep your head up, oh, 
And you can let your hair down, eh. 
you gotta keep your head up, oh, 
And you can let your hair down, eh. 

I know it's hard, know its hard, 
To remember sometimes, 
But you gotta keep your head up, oh, 
And you can let your hair down, eh. 

I've got my hands in my pockets, 
Kickin these rocks. 
Its kinda hard to watch this life go by. 
I'm buyin in the skeptics, 
Skeptics mess with, the confidence in my eyes 

I'm seeing all the angles, starts to get tangled 
I start to comprimise 
My life and the purpose. 
Is it all worth it, 
Am I gonna turn out fine? 
Oh, you'll turn out fine. 
Fine, oh, you'll turn out fine. 

Only rainbows after rain 
The sun will always come again. 
And its a circle, circling, 
Around again, it comes around again. 

I know it's hard, know its hard 
To remember sometimes, 
But you gotta keep your head up, oh, 
And you can let your hair down, eh. 

Rachel

Wanted To Belong Here

But something felt so wrong here...

I heard this song the radio a couple days ago. I haven't heard it in quite a while, so I find it ironic that it came up when I was dealing with my family issues. I've always loved the song and related to it in one way or another, but it really hit a chord with me this time.

Enjoy!



Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

Beauty in the Breakdown

I know my last post sounded dramatic. My knee-jerk reaction is to apologize, but in reality, it's exactly what I was feeling and that this blog is about being honest about life after abuse. Moments of depression and anxiety are most certainly a significant part of that.

So I've shared how I felt, by what's more important is why I felt it. There were a lot of things going through my mind the last couple weeks. While each issue played a part in my mood change, there was one hanging over my head that I put off exploring. It struck me that I could be clinging to my label as "Survivor". With all this thought being put into defeating Dad in my mind, I've been forced to consider "What's next?" 

Like anyone else, I am sometimes afraid of change, and I know that there is one on the horizon. But I don't know exactly what that change will look like. Let's say I defeat him. Then what will I write about? Where will I find my inspiration? I've found an incredible amount of strength and inner confidence in the past 7 months or so. Without the pain, what more will I have to overcome? How will I feel strong and centered and inwardly beautiful? At my highest points throughout all this, that is exactly how I felt.

I know this sounds illogical. Why would I want to be in pain? Isn't the point of all this to heal? It certainly is, and of course, I don't want to be in pain. But on some level, it's all I know. Who am I without it? What kind of depth will my character have?

I've always had an overwhelming desire to feel special. Maybe that's part of what made me a good easy victim. I was eager to please, to be the "good child" and that was taken advantage of. However, I've felt like surviving my past without turning to drugs or alcohol or another abuse relationship made me special. Not giving up made me special. Being able to write about all of it made me special. So what makes me special when I'm not dealing with it anymore? When it's all been sorted through? Why should it even matter?

Well, I don't have an answer to that last question. When I figure that out, I'll let you know. However, I have some kind of answer to the rest. As part of my therapy tonight, I went to my happy place to have a pow-wow with my Actual Self. I needed to better understand this new realization and what it would mean for the future. She reminded me that even though I may deal with my past, I'll have learned a whole new skill set in terms of dealing with any of life's pain, because pain is inevitable in all human lives. In fully processing my past and my emotions, I will better be able to identify it in others, and be able to relate to them on a whole other level. If I can learn to write while dealing with all of this, there is no reason I can't write about other things in life later. And speaking of later in life, my Actual Self also reminded me that at different times in my life, I may have a whole new set of things to deal with relating to my past. For example, he may be a free man 2 weeks after my birthday in 2015. The reality of him being able to physically be out in the world again is a scary thought right now. Having children will certainly change things, as I imagine I will struggle with being over-protective and paranoid. So I will need to revisit things from time to time.

Another thing I realized tonight is that defeating my dad in my mind, is really defeating his power over me. I hope that this will make his prison release easier for me to deal with. If I can know in my heart and not just my mind that he is a weak old man, I will feel much safer. 

Today, I am feeling much better. Having explored that feeling has lifted a weight off my shoulders. I know there will be more difficult days ahead, but that's life and that's healing. I'm ready to face the next portion of my path. It looks a little brighter now than it did before. In my imagination, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and once I reach it, I explode into a burst of colorful light, freed, empowered and ready to fly.

Yeah, it's abstract. Just roll with it.

Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive since I shared how I was feeling. Studdly Hubby has been especially attentive to my "Love Tank" this week and I know I would have sunk much deeper into the dark place had he not. My (2nd) adopted big brother has really had my back as well. He really puts a lot of thought into the words he chooses. Ironically, my first adopted big brother is a lot like him in that sense. What can I say, I know how to pick 'em. :-D Thank you to those of you who shared that you could relate. Feeling special and feeling alone are two very different things, and you helped me feel less alone.

And because I love music (and I <3 Frou Frou):

"Drink up baby doll
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy
These mishaps
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like

[Chorus:]
So, let go, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

It gains the more it gives
And then it rises with the fall
So hand me that remote
Can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can't await
your own arrival
you've twenty seconds to comply"

Have a great weekend!!

Rachel

Deep Inside I'm Bleeding

*(Lyrics below...)

I am in a funk. A deeper funk than I've been in for quite a while. I don't know why and I'm not sure what's wrong. I haven't even felt like blogging lately, and that is very unlike me.

I don't feel inspired to change the world. I feel like there's nothing I can do. I'm only one person. I don't have the focus it takes to make a difference. I've started to write my book and feel completely overwhelmed. I don't even know where to start.

I just feel deeply unhappy right now. I love my husband and I love my job. But none of that is enough to crack through the walls that are keeping me locked up in my dark place. 

I've been feeling like this for a couple weeks. It started gradually but picked up steam this past week. I've been feeling completely rundown and like I was getting sick. I almost started crying at lunch at work the other day. Tuesday night I was feeling miserable with a headache and a sore throat. Wednesday, I spent the whole day in bed, napping and watching TV. I even watched a movie that I thought would help me feel really empowered and I got nothing out of it. Today I just felt completely wiped out and exhausted, just by getting ready for work. Maybe I stressed myself into getting sick. Maybe I was getting sick and feeling down weakened my immune system. I don't know, but feeling sick certainly didn't help anything.

I'm feeling weak, and not just in the physical sense. I usually feel pretty empowered, and in touch with an inner self that feels enlightened and strong. I usually feel like one day, I can do something good for this world. Right now, I'm crying because I feel the exact opposite of all of that. 

I just feel so darn sensitive sometimes, but not to everyone. Facebooking (shut-up spell-check, it's a word!) with my family has been an interesting experience. My sisters and I have different ideas about what is funny. We also have different ideas about what may hurt my feelings. I don't think they leave comments to intentionally hurt me (at least I would hope not), but some things they say really do. If I'm already feeling down and vulnerable and they leave what I perceive to be a rude comment, I feel incredibly alone. I suppose I've always had maternal feelings towards them and did all I could for them when I was home, so when things like that come up, I guess I feel betrayed.

I also feel odd and out of place. I feel different and like no one really knows me other than Studdly Hubby. Maybe that shouldn't matter, but I feel isolated. I don't have many friends out side of work, which is a bad idea. In the workplace, there's only so much you can share, for a variety of reasons. And I'm not saying that's good or bad, but that's the way it is. I also find that I'm over sensitive to appropriate boundaries. My co-workers have shared different things with me about their childhoods and their families, but I'm always a bit apprehensive to put all my baggage out there because I have more than a carry-on and I have sometimes have trouble carrying it all. One of them has a tendency to say "No family is perfect" or something along those lines, and I'm not sure if she means "So what, we've all got our crosses to bear so suck it up" or if she's saying "It's ok, my family has problems too." So between my oversensitivity and amazing skill to over think things, I tend to wait for an invitation to share, and it doesn't always come because that's not always how conversation works.

When I'm doing a depression screen on a new resident, I ask them if they've felt down and depressed or if they feel like a failure. Sometimes, their lip quivers and tears well up in their eyes. I have to try not to cry right along with them. Why isn't my guard up better than that?!

I'm not crying out for sympathy here. I'm just being honest. Maybe a good hard cry is all I need...

*I know this song sounds ripe with teen angst, but I was looking for a song I could relate to right now, and when I listened to this one I started crying, so I think it's a winner:

"Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like"


Rachel

Inner Work Update

I have not done a very good job lately on writing about all the Inner Work I've been doing. I work on it nearly weekly. Sometimes my progress seems significant, but usually it takes a few sessions to have much to write about. On the other hand, I could probably write in more detail if I wrote about each one. Regardless, it's time to catch up with what I'm working on now.

A few weeks ago, I found Dad down the stairs from my safe place. Eventually, I had to go back. When I returned, the door to his cell was open. I peeked inside and was startled to discover that it was empty. I was feeling nervous and very uncomfortable knowing he wasn't locked up where I left him. I backed away slowly. I reached behind me for the doorknob to the exit. Suddenly, he was behind me. He had his penis out and placed it into my hand. I turn around and stepped back in slow motion. 

I could move, but I couldn't scream. I couldn't talk, whisper or shout. I had gone mute. I started to panic and looked around for a way out. My heart was beating faster and faster, and the air was growing thick around me. I looked up and he was back in his cell again. I tried to figure out how to lock him in more permanently this time. I didn't want any more surprises. There was already a padlock on the door, so I added a second one. It was a feeble attempt at security, but I didn't know what else to do. Regardless of how well he was locked up, I knew I was going to have to face him again.

It became clear to me at this time that I was going to have to find a way to defeat him in my mind. Even though in reality I had him locked up, in my mind I am still vulnerable to him. He still frightens me. So I needed a plan.

This is war. And we will win on all fronts.

I've decided to create the "Army of Me".  I am summoning all the younger versions of myself, to face him together. Today, I spoke with the 17 year old, the 19 year old, the 11 year old, and briefly the 12 year old, although I suspect she still feels afraid and ashamed after being told she was acting seductively. My Actual Self summoned them with a horn. She looked larger than life today and very powerful. I thought about how she would be a great commander of my army. As she spoke to them, I suddenly remembered that my Actual Self was just that - she was me! I was powerful! I could command my own army! I took over and told my "selves" how much strength I was drawing for them, and the we were powerful together. Together we could defeat him, for each other. Before I left, I asked them to spread the word to the other selves. We will be meeting again before we will move forward in our victory.

VERY empowering song for me:

"I can feel a phoenix inside of me
As I march alone to a different beat
Slowly swallowing down my fear, yeah yeah

I am ready for the road less traveled
Suiting up for my crowning battle
This test is my own cross too bare
But I will get there

It’s never easy to be chosen, never easy to be called
Standing on the front line when the bomb starts to fall
I can see the heavens but I still hear the flames
Calling out my name

I can see the writing on the wall
I can’t ignore this war
At the eh-end of it all
Who am I living for?

I can feel this lightness inside of me
Growing fast into a bolt of lightning
I know one spark will shock the world, yeah yeah

So I pray for a favour like Esther
I need your strength to handle the pressure
I know there will be sacrifice
But that’s the price

Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don’t let the greatness get you down
Heavy is the head that wears the crown
Don’t let the greatness get you down, oh, oh yeah"

Rachel

Post 100 - His Identity

I've been reflecting lately on the way I deal with my step-dad in my mind and my memories. As I mentioned before, for the most part, he isn't really all that present, which I realize seems illogical. 

I don't even know what to call him. I grew up calling him "Dad" because I thought that was who he was. But he doesn't deserve that title. When talking to Aaron, I usually just use pronouns, and he generally knows who I'm talking about from the context. In my blog, I refer to him as my step-dad. Today, I referred to him as my "a**hole dad" to someone who I've never really talked to about him much. In reality, he was my adoptive father. His name is Tim. He's a prisoner and a sex offender.

But, once upon a time, he was a child. He was James and Mary Moore's little boy. He was the brother to 6 boys and 3 girls. In theory, he was as innocent as any other young boy. I don't know all that much about his upbringing. I know they were poor. With 10 kids, it's no wonder! I know the boys all shared a bedroom. But I don't know when things changed. As an adult, he didn't seem to have a close relationship with his siblings. There seemed to be some kind of tension between him and them that I didn't understand. It seemed like something had happened a long time ago to cause a rift, but I was never sure what that was.

It's just so difficult for me to think of him as anything besides pure evil. I'm sure there are happy anecdotes from my childhood in which he is involved. But I don't want any part of them. My mind is closed off to it. I feel like any warm feelings towards him would make be vulnerable to him. And I feel like I can't afford to be weak where he is concerned. If I had shown any kindness to him in the past, he would have taken it as an invitation, a seduction. 

A flawless performance...this time.

It was a strange dance I had to perform. I had to be the obedient loving daughter, while at the same time, protecting myself the best I knew how.  Like a prima ballerina, each step was calculated and needed to be flawless; the stakes were high. He would sometimes ask me, "Do you hate me?" My practiced response was always the same: "No, but I hate what you do." Whenever this conversation happened it was after the abuse, after his lust was sated. I knew I could get away with at least that much. The ballerina would get a standing ovation for her performance...this time. However, if I told him I hated him, it would have certainly come up later. If he was drunk, he would either cry pitifully or be very angry, clenching his teeth together while ranting incoherently.

And I've gotten off my main point. I have a hard time even writing about him directly like this, because it is that difficult to let my mind really explore the topic. It leaves me feeling vulnerable and angsty. I need to cry. I can feel it just below the surface, the tears threatening/needing to spill with the right provocation. My husband has a thick scar on his chest, from a surgery he had as a little boy. When I touch it, he says it is numb, but he can feel the pressure of it being touched underneath. He can feel my fingers on the skin around it. As far as my step-dad is concerned, he is a scar that is still numb. I fear I'm going to need to cut it open to allow it to heal properly.

I don't usually do well when I'm writing about something I haven't really processed. It tends to be all over the place and not have any real answers. So I guess I'm for now. I'll leave you with a song that's been on my mind a lot lately. One of those great "singing through tears" songs, filled with raw emotion.

"It took so long just to feel alright, Remember how to put back the light in my eyes...and who do you think you are, running 'round leaving scars, collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart?"

Rachel

I Just Knew Too Much

I had an interesting therapy session today. I started talking about a memory that came up today. Which led to another memory. Which led to another memory. There was really more than I feel like writing down right now, so I'll save that for the next post.

But on the way home, a song came on the radio that I really like. "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. I've always liked the music, but tonight I was really feeling the lyrics.




I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Does that make me crazy?
Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy
Probably

Uh, uh 

Even Brighter Than the Moon

I know I've talked about this song before, and how much it's moved me, but I just saw the video for the first time today. Its beautiful! I thought I would share it with all of you!

Keep warm!

Rachel

I Try As Hard As I Can

I heard this song a couple times, back when it first came out. I've never forgotten it, and it was on my mind as I wrote my last post. Click on the video link here, and click play. Then come back here so you can follow the lyrics.

"Am I not pretty enough

Is my heart too broken

Do I cry too much

Am I too outspoken

Don't I make you laugh

Should I try it harder

Why do you see right through me

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me

I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break

I crave, I love, I've waited long enough

I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough

Is my heart to broken

Do I cry too much

Am I too outspoken

Don't I make you laugh

Should I try it harder

Why do you see right through me

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real

I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees

I hope, I stand, I take it like a man

I try as hard as I can

Am I not pretty enough

Is my heart to broken

Do I cry too much

Am I too outspoken

Don't I make you laugh

Should I try it harder

Why do you see right through me"

As I'm listening to this song, I feel like there's a child inside me, singing this to me...I've had to mother myself, and I'm not doing so good at it. I need to show that inner child the unconditional love, validation and comfort that she deserves, as all children do.

Rachel

Pre-abuse- "Hello world! Look how fabulous I am!
LOVE ME!!"

Rape vs. Sexual Abuse

In general, I try not to compare people's suffering, regardless of my own past. For example, let's say a family that has been living comfortably just lost a source of income and are therefore losing their home. Horrible? Yes. Worst thing that could happen? No. But you can go to that family and say "At least this, that and the other thing didn't happen." It's not particularly comforting. This is the scariest thing in their life right now.

I think of this often when it comes to abuse and sexual assault. You can't tell someone who was beat as a child that they should be grateful they weren't molested by their father. You can't tell someone who was molested by their father that they should be grateful they weren't beat by their father. These are events that damage someone on a deep level.

However, I've talked to more than one person who was raped (sometimes on more than one occasion) and couldn't help but think, "Wow. I can't even imagine what that must have been like." I think about how hard it has been to get to where I am today without that experience. 

I was listening to this song the other day in the car:

These lyrics stood out to me:

What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

I've been thinking a lot about my friend who was raped twice. I thought about all the work I knew she had done after the first time to heal. I know how exhausting some of that can be. To have to do it all again...I can't even imagine.

That, my friends, is resilience. 

The strange this is, some of those people say they can't imagine what I've been through. Why is that? Why are we so willing to claim the other person has suffered more? Is it a coping mechanism? Am I still unable to face the reality of the horror of my childhood and adolescence? 

I feel like I'm facing it much more than I did in the past, but I suspect it is still somewhat hidden - locked away. The few times I have allowed myself to let it in, it was terrifying. One night had a breakdown and sobbed for hours. Another time I had a horrific flashback and was completely distracted all day, in a way that is very unlike me. 

In the end, it doesn't matter whose experience was worse. We were all hurt, and are all healing, in one way or another. We often see similar lasting effects from these experiences, even if they were different. The really great thing is, we can draw from each other's strength. We don't have to do this alone.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind tonight. Hope you all are having a great start to your new year so far!

Rachel

Bonus:

This is the first page of my new planner.
I love it! It's full of inspiring artwork/sayings.
Will share more later!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all my readers. Thank you for being a part of my life. The support I received this year has been much needed and not taken for granted. I couldn't do it without you.

May 2011 bring you all you hope for. May we be happier, healthier and more peaceful.

"And there’s a hand my trusty friend !

And give us a hand o’ thine !

And we’ll take a right good-will draught,

for auld lang syne."

Rachel

YOU are Loved

I was playing some Christmas music on Pandora today via my phone, and heard one of my favorite Josh Groban songs (video here). It's been a while since I listened to it, and I really needed it today. I've been feeling really needy lately. It happens sometimes, and I'm not sure why. But this song was a comfort. I'm sure God knew it would be uplifting to me. :-)

Don't give up

It's just the weight of the world

When your heart's heavy

I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up

Because you want to be heard

If silence keeps you

I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood

Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up

Because you are loved

Don't give up

It's just the hurt that you hide

When you're lost inside

I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up

Because you want to burn bright

If darkness blinds you

I...I will shine to guide you

Everybody wants to be understood

Well I can hear you

Everybody wants to be loved

Don't give up

Because you are loved

You are loved

Don't give up

It's just the weight of the world

Don't give up

Every one needs to be heard

You are loved 

I hope someone else reading this can find some comfort in it as well.

Rachel

Loving This Song!

Lyrics!
La-la-la-la-la la 
lala la la-la la lala 
[repeat]

Everyday I fight for all my future somethings 
A thousand little wars I have to choose between 
I could spend a lifetime earning things I don't need 
That's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty 

And if you strip me, strip it all away 
If you strip me, what would you find 
If you strip me, strip it all away 
I'll be alright 

Take what you want steal my pride 
Build me up or cut me down to size 
Shut me out but I'll just scream 
I'm only one voice in a million 
But you ain't taking that from me (oh ooh) 
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh) 
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh) 
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh) 
You ain't taking that! 

I don't need a microphone yeah 
To say what I've been thinking 
My heart is like a loudspeaker 
That's always on eleven 

And if you strip me, strip it all away 
If you strip me, what would you find 
If you strip me, strip it all away 
I'm still the same 

Take what you want steal my pride 
Build me up or cut me down to size 
Shut me out but I'll just scream 
I'm only one voice in a million 
But you ain't taking that from me (oh ooh) 
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh) 
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh) 
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh) 
You ain't taking that! 

Cause when it all boils down at the end of the day 
It's what you do and say that makes you who you are 
Makes you think about, think about it doesn't it 
Sometimes all it takes is one voice 

Take what you want steal my pride 
Build me up or cut me down to size 
Shut me out but I'll just scream 
I'm only one voice in a million 
But you ain't taking that from me (oh ooh) 
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh) 
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh) 
You ain't taking that from me (oh oh) 
You ain't taking that! 
[repeat] 

Shadow of a Demon

I listened to this song today. I was actually looking for the lyrics to another song and came across this one on accident. This was one of the songs I usually skipped on this CD because the music isn't as pretty to me. It has a different sound from a lot of Josh Groban's other songs. Because of this, I had never bothered to listen to the lyrics.  As soon as I read the first few lines, I was hooked. I had no idea what this song was about! I opened up iTunes and decided to play it again. 


"...I heard its lonely sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping..."


When I got to this line, the tears came. I have this idea that while the monster seems scary and angry and aggressive, he is really overcome with sadness. I don't know if that is where things are really going to go in my inner child work, but it is how I imagine it. This is all very recent, to come across the lyrics right now...well, I don't really believe in coincidence. 


"It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping"

Often times when I initially tell someone about the abuse, their response is "I'm sorry." For a lack of something better to say, I respond "It's ok. It's over now." But I'm more aware now that it's not over. Not for me. I am still dealing with it, even though it's been 6 years. 

Josh Groban...yum, yum!

"I knew a man who lived in fear
It was huge, it was angry,
It was drawing near.
Behind his house a secret place
Was the shadow of the demon
He could never face. 

He built a wall of steel and flame
And men with guns to keep it tame
Then standing back he made it plain
That the nightmare would never ever rise again
But the fear and the fire and the guns remain. 

It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping
But as the night came round 
I heard its lonely sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping. 

And then one day the neighbours came
They were curious to know about the smoke and flame
They stood around outside the wall
But of course there was nothing to be heard at all
"My friends," he said, "We've reached our goal
The threat is under firm control
As long as peace and order reign
I'll be damned if I can see a reason to explain
Why the fear and the fire and the guns remain." 

It doesn't matter now it's over anyhow
He tells the world that it's sleeping
But as the night came round 
I heard its lonely sound
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping
It wasn't roaring, it was weeping."



-Josh Groban "Weeping"