I'm 26

I had a birthday recently. I am now 26 years old. Once it happened, I realized on was on the "other side" of 25. I'm now closer to 30 than I am to 20. I can't explain, but this birthday brought an internal shift. I finally feel like an adult as opposed to a young girl playing house. I no longer feel like a "young adult". So what's the significance of that? 

Baby fever.

Yep, it's back. There are several factors that play into that. For one, I always thought I would be done having children by the time I was 30. If you do the math: 3 kids+2 parents graduated from school+2 stable jobs-4 years=Not gonna happen in that time frame. Unless I have triplets when I'm 29. Which, given the option, I'd rather a have a couple in my 30's!!

*cozy*

Also, the weather is turning colder. I also get into a "nesting" mood this time of year. I want to make my home as pleasant and cozy as I can for us. I want home-cooked meals and weekends spent at home with Studdly Hubby. And I want a family. Speaking of which, I also feel even more secure in my relationship with Studdly Hubby's family. Not that they've ever given me reason not to, but when you learn early on that family isn't to be trusted or depended on it makes it difficult to form those bonds. But it does my heart so much good to be with them, and I know that if we had a child, it would be a beautiful addition to that family. I feel like I belong, and that's important to me. So often I feel like an alien in this world...Along the same lines as family and cool weather is the holidays. Thanksgiving and Christmas tie together those bonds of coziness and kids and grandparents in a big way, and I'm not immune to it. So much of the magic of Christmas is for children and I miss that. I try to create a romantic Christmas for us, to value this time we have without children, but something is missing, more so now than at the beginning of our marriage. That had a magic all its own. 

Also, I wanted to go to Disney World before we had children. So we did. We both want to be done with school. I should be done in Spring. It's not lost on me that if I were to get pregnant now, I would be a college graduate by the time baby was here. Although Aaron will be done in a year and a half. That's really close! Should I start taking pre-natal vitamins now? Should we start saving for a baby now? Should I talk to my ob-gyn about what I need to start doing to be as healthy as possible before we get pregnant? Maybe if I could be doing some of these things now, it would make the wait easier. It would give it a different meaning. The other major thing we are waiting for is for Studdly Hubby to get a good secure job. That can't happen until he graduates, and even then we don't really know how soon it will happen. We've got our hopes up about some things, so we'll see how all that goes. 

Anyway, that's where I am right now. I feel calm, peaceful and ready. 

Rachel

Another Sex Post

I haven't posted anything recently dealing with Vaginismus because things have been going alright in the department. There are still some times when it can be a struggle, but overall, it is still an improvement from a year ago. That being said, there are still other problems. Vaginismus technically refers to the inability to relax the vaginal muscles to allow painless penetration. But depending on the cause, there is likely to be other issues as well.

For example, I tend to rush through foreplay. In the back of my mind, penetration is the goal, partly because that was the case in overcoming Vaginismus. However, that can exacerbate the issue because then I am not aroused enough. Honestly, you know its a problem when your husband thinks there isn't enough foreplay! But I was talking to Simone today, and realized something. All of the years I was being abused, there was never any penetration or oral sex. And now, those are the things I focus on. They are new and exclusive to Aaron. There was a time when those two things were my greatest fear, but I've been able to work past that. But any other kind of touching comes with more baggage. 

With Aaron being in Colorado for most of the summer, it gives us the opportunity to talk about these sorts of things without any perceived pressure to have sex. We can both share how we feel about the current status about of our life, and where we see it going. The good news is, we have the same goals. 

Now that I've worked through a few major issues, I'm able to focus on this one. I'm just incredibly blessed to have a husband who has been so patient over the last 4 years. Sexual intimacy isn't the most important part of a marriage, but it is a major part of it. To him I say...

Rachel

What I Haven't Been Blogging About

There is a topic that has been lingering on behind the back burner. It's not something I had to worry about, but a week or so ago, it was nudged forward. Aaron's father is currently serving time in prison for molesting children. He didn't deny that it happened and is remorseful. 

Which way am I supposed to go?!
My life feels really complicated sometimes.

We found out sometime before we got married what had been going on. Aaron didn't even want to tell me. The court case I had gone through was still very fresh. I was stunned. I had no clue how to even deal with this revelation and so I didn't. Since then, I've encouraged Aaron in his relationship with his dad. He's visited him in prison and written to him occasionally. This I've supported 100%.  The time came when Aaron expressed a desire for me to come with him to visit his father. This I was absolutely not comfortable with. I felt guilty for saying no, because I knew it would mean a lot to Aaron to have me with him there, but I couldn't do it.

The last letter we received mentioned that he would be out of prison by next summer. I knew then that Aaron and I were going to have to talk about how we were going to deal with that. At the end of the letter, he may some comment referring to the fact that he would be struggling a bit financially. I knew then/worried that Aaron would want to help him out. Sure enough, he came to me later and said he would like to help him buy a computer, as that is an interest they have in common. I wasn't sure how to respond yet, so I didn't.

I finally approached Aaron last night and let him know I was concerned and that I felt like we needed a plan for how we are going to navigate that relationship when the time comes. We didn't completely agree with my view points, but understood why I felt the way I did. This is something that is very emotional and difficult for both of us. It breaks my heart to see him in this position. He loves both a perpetrator and a victim. By the end of the conversation, we hadn't really resolved anything, but Aaron did agree to come to therapy with me so that we could discuss it further with an unbiased third party to help mediate.

It's at times like these when I reflect on 2 points. 1 - Life can be really unfair. It totally sucks that we even have to deal with this. I can't even imagine how Aaron must feel, partly because he doesn't really talk about it much. 2 - I am so grateful for the relationship we have. Even though I cried and the look on Aaron's face told me how he was feeling, we kept calm and communicated our points without yelling at each other. Even though he wasn't feeling particularly affectionate immediately after, we moved passed it and laughed together that same night.

I really do love that man.

Rachel

Our Honeymoon

3 years, 8 months and 1 day from our wedding, Studdly Hubby and I finally departed on our honeymoon. It was my first vacation since I was a teenager (not counting visiting family). We had been talking about going to Disney World for a couple years, and finally decided to use our piddly little savings and tax return to make it happen. And let me tell you, even if we have to eat Ramen noodles for the next 2 months, it was totally worth it.

We flew out on Tuesday night after I got off work. It was my first flight and I was really nervous. My boss in activities suggested I swallow a lot during take-off and the landing to prevent my ears from popping. I tried but my mouth was so dry from my nerves that I couldn't do it! Once the plane started, I grabbed Aaron's hand and closed my eyes. I used some skills I had learned in therapy to calm myself down and managed to make it into the sky with much less anxiety than I would have experienced otherwise.

After we landed, we hunted down a taxi van that was also shuttling a man and a group of 3 women. The man was dropped off first at a gorgeous, probably 5 star, hotel. I jokingly started to follow him out of the van and told Aaron I'd see him in the morning! After he had his luggage, we were one our way. We pulled up at another beautiful hotel, and Aaron said "Is this one ours?" I laughed and told him it was not. Ours was $50 on Priceline. The three women got out and we drove on, passing other beautiful hotels. We held our breath, waiting to see where ours was and what it looked like. Finally, we pulled into a parking lot shared by Country Inn and Suites and several other restaurants and stores, including the one right in front of the hotel - Kabob and Curry. After the big 4/5 star hotels, the difference really tickled me. But the hotel was clean and the staff was friendly. They had a good free breakfast as well as a free shuttle to Disney (that was an adventure of it's own, by the way). But the best part of all, was the jacuzzi. That's right. I upgraded our room to a jacuzzi suite. It was normally $30 a night, but I used my super negotiating skills to get it for $15. I was worth every penny.

The next day, we were off to our ultimate destination. Disney World truly is as magical as the commercials claim, particularly the Magic Kingdom. There was a show right in front of Cinderella's Castle right after we entered the park. We missed the beginning, but we did see that it featured Mickey, Minnie, Goofy, Donald, Maleficent, Hook, Peter Pan and more. I got so swept up by the whole thing that I actually got a bit teary-eyed. The fact that I was PMSing led to my emotions being close to the surface and I could not hold it back! It was a perfect start to an amazing day. We went to the Hall of Presidents, rode Aladdin's Magic Carpet, the Jungle Cruise, It's a Small World (never again!), Pirates of the Caribbean and on and on. 

Here's a link to the photos!

But the most significant part for me was that night. I've written about our wedding night before. It was a shamble and probably one of the biggest disappointments of my life. I've been working on healing vaginismus since then, and have made progress, but our wedding night still hung over my head. On some level (not a logical one), I felt some guilt about it. It was my issues and my history that was preventing my husband and I from enjoying a normal healthy sex life, from having intercourse as newlyweds. But the night after the Magic Kingdom, I reflected on our first attempt as we had sex. I mentally and emotionally re-wrote that  failed attempt. I allowed this time to truly be our honeymoon and finally let go of the previous. I've come far enough now that I no longer feel guilt. I'm still momentarily frustrated when things don't go as well as I would like, but we've come so far and have finally had the honeymoon we needed.

The next two days we went to Animal Kingdom and Epcot. Animal Kingdom was a let-down for me, but still nice. I guess I expected more animals or more animal interaction. It felt a bit like a really amazing zoo that didn't have enough animals. Epcot, on the hand, was amazing. We got there at open and stayed through the fireworks show and barely had time to see it all. We didn't even have time to go on some of the rides we wanted to!

On Saturday, we rented a car and started the long drive home. While we would have liked to have flown back, tickets were over $300/person, so that made the choice for us. This cut off a day that we could have gone to Hollywood Studios, but I'd never seen anything south of Indy, so this was a great opportunity to see some more of the good old US of A. We stayed overnight near Chattanooga and finished the drive on Sunday. We got home that night, unpacked and collapsed on our bed. Monday morning was back to work and school.

Rachel

A Shift in Perspective

Ok, first and foremost...

I'M FAMOUS!

Not really, but, I was quoted via my blog in a post that had thousands of views! Here's the lowdown. I am a member of a blogging network called BlogHer. I've posted a few things on there, and have also "Liked" them on Facebook. They post links on there several times a day. Today I was looking it over and got very excited when I saw one about Vaginismus. I followed the link to see what they had to say. It was basically an article explaining what it is. And then, on the second page, they used an excerpt my blog! With my name! And a link back to my blog!

Moving on...

I watched "The Secret" on Netflix a couple days ago. I remember having heard about the book when it came out. There was a lot of hype around it, but I never got around to reading it. I had a friend who had read it, and he summed it up by saying it was basically about imaging what you want in life. That was more or less it. The documentary/website makes it all seem very mystical, like its this powerful secret that the rich and powerful have been keeping from us for centuries. It's not. It's pure psychology + good old fashioned hard work. (By the way, it sort of brushes over that second part because that is not a popular notion and doesn't sell books.)

However, that doesn't mean it doesn't work.

In the midst of spring cleaning, I came across my old "dream board" that I had made at the beginning of 2010. The idea was to put up images that related to goals in Avon sales. When I pulled it out, I realized that I had achieved 3 out of 4 of my goals, without even realizing it. I wanted a new couch, health insurance, to pay off my car and a trip to Disney World. My new couch will be delivered tomorrow, I'm going to Disney World for my delayed honeymoon next week and our health insurance kicks in in April. I was stunned! 

Watching "The Secret" and finding my dream board really caused me to do some soul searching. What else had I gotten in life that I wanted? How else had the supposed secret worked for me when I didn't even realize that was what I was doing?  For one, I met Studdly Hubby, married him and am currently living happily ever after with him. Bonus: He chose a more lucrative career path along the way! I wanted a new job, and found one within 2 weeks. I wanted/needed a car a couple years ago, and we got one. I'm sure there are LOTS more examples in my life, but these are the ones coming to mind right now.

So where do I go from here? It's time to make a new dream board! I've been thinking about it a little, and there a few things I know I want to be represented on it:

• A published book
• Babies
• More blog readership/recognition
• A healthier body
• A college degree
• More to come later..

Anyway, besides wanting more, this all made me feel very grateful for what I have. I came from a terrible life, to being happily married and independent, with food on the table and clothes on my back. We still struggle financially, but we're getting by and then some. While going through my therapy, I tend to spend a lot of time "in my head". I think about my problems, how I'm going to write about my problems, how my problems affect/create other problems. It's not a great state of mind to stay in. This realization has helped me shift my focus. While I fully intend to keep up with my healing process, I can also focus on what I want in the future, both near and far. I need to see a more complete picture of my life, and take a step back and gain new perspective. 

Rachel

2011: Goals and Expectations

O boy. Where to begin?!

First off, I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions. They're made to be broken. That being said, these are NOT resolutions. They are overall goals for the year. That means if I fail miserably in January, I'll just get back on it in February. If I don't reach my goal by July, well then I'll still have 6 more months to get it right.

Also, they are a good mix of high and low priority goals, just to keep things interesting. :-)

Because I love lists, here are my goals, list style:

 #1: Find peace in my relationship with my immediate family members. This doesn't mean we will all be holding hands singing about love and butterflies by next Christmas, but rather I will be satisfied that I have done my part and I will be able to accept them as they are.

 #2: Find a good skincare routine, and not for my face! Last year, thanks to Avon, I was able to find a skincare regimen for my face and my skin has never been the same (in a good way!). However, it always stopped at my neck, but the rest of my skin is desperate for moisture as well, thanks in part to my fondness for scalding hot showers and bubble baths.

 #3: Become a better student. That's a whole other post that I've been putting off, so I will save that for another day.

 #4: Be a better wife to Studdly Hubby. I'm not saying I'm a total failure, but I think there is always room for improvement in any marriage. THEREFORE, I will be more aware of his specific needs, be a little less selfish (ok, maybe a lot more less), and continuing to work on Vaginismus. I think both of us will be happier.

 #5: Find a more nutritional, affordable diet. Aaron and I both need more fruits and veggies in our diet. I'm hoping that with a little time and effort I can find a way to make this happen. Personally, I could live off of fruit trays, but that can get a little expensive! Part 2 of this requires eating out less, but...one thing at a time. :-P

 #6: Manage our money better. This includes creating a realistic budget and sticking to it while saving money.

 #7: Be a better housekeeper! SERIOUSLY! I enjoy my home much more when it is clean and clutter-free. Honestly, I can do better.

 #8: Learn to do one thing at a time. Without distraction. I know it doesn't sound like much to the average person, but trust me, this would be a whole new level of calm in my life.

 #9: Go back to church. This was my resolution last year as well, and it didn't work out so well. I went a few times, but never made it a habit. This is something that has to change. Part 2 of this one would be to remember to pray. I don't do it nearly often enough.

#10: Number 10 is leaving room to grow. I don't know how therapy is going to go, but I'm promising myself that I will stay open minded and willing to grow and learn. I also promise to forgive myself for not completely numbers 1-9 perfectly but I will try.

Ready to write this chapter of my life!

So there you have it. I am feeling very excited to start the new year fresh. I went grocery shopping tonight and bought healthier foods. I cleaned the apartment. I've reevaluated our budget and come up with a plan to help me stick to it. I'm getting things ready for next semester. I bought our "Love Languages Jars". I still have a couple other things to get aligned, but I'll get to them.

What about you? What are your goals for 2011? Do you have any tips that go with any of these 10? I would love to hear them!

Rachel

Intimacy and Love Languages

Are you familiar with "The 5 Love Languages"? The basic idea is that everyone has different way of expressing love and feeling love, and that there are generally five universal categories. They are Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Gifts, Quality Time and Acts of Service. According to Dr. Chapman, who wrote the book on it, most people tend to be drawn to someone who has a different primary language than their own. For a better explanation, check out Dr. Chapman's website here.

So Aaron and I took the test, which you can do here. We found out that my primary love language is Words of Affirmation, followed by Quality Time and then Receiving Gifts. Aaron's, on the other hand, are Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation and then a tie between Quality Time and Receiving Gifts.

So, the good news is that Words of Affirmation is high for both of us. However, his top is Physical Touch, and that is something I really struggle with. I love physical affection. I love when Aaron runs his fingers through my hair, or strokes my back as I'm falling asleep. I love his touch and especially his hugs; he has the best hugs in the entire world. The problem is, I have a hard time showing the same affection to him. 

Have you ever heard the expression "hindsight is 20/20"? Or the term "hindsight bias"? Basically, you hear or learn something new,  but feel like you did or should have known it all along. As I was talking with my therapist today about Aaron's primary love language, she commented that as a child, it would have been dangerous to show any kind of physical affection because it would have been seen as an invitation for the abuse. 

How could I not have seen this before?! It's not rocket science, but I did not make the connection. 

One of our engagement pics

More good news! Just because this is how I am now, doesn't mean I can't change. It doesn't mean Aaron's "love tank" is always going to be half-empty, leaving him craving physical touch. I just need to learn some new habits. I've tried before. This isn't a new problem. Every time Aaron brought it up in the past, I would do a lot better for a few days, and then fall back into my old ways. 

This time though, we have a plan. We are each going to have a jar. And when we feel like we are in need of something, like a massage for example, we can write it on a slip of paper, and place it in the other person's jar. This way, we will see the need in our jar, and when the time is right, we can fulfill it. This way, it will feel more like an act of love compared to asking out right fir whatever it is and feeling like someone is just doing it because you asked for it and not because they want to.

It seems like a good plan to me. Like anything, it will require some effort to keep up with it for it to become a habit. 

I predict 2011 will be a good year for the Drivers. :-)

Rachel