Anorexia

Isn't she stunning?!

Yesterday, Portia de Rossi was on Oprah to promote her new book "Unbearable Lightness". It is a memoir about her struggle with anorexia and bulimia. Although I never have a shortage of things I could potentially write about, watching Oprah reminded me that my past eating disorder is another "layer" in this mess. 

When I was in 8th grade, I was, what I would call, "robust". I was horribly self-conscious about everything. I felt unpopular and ugly. My clothes never fit right thanks to a growth spurt that made me 5'7" by the time I was 13. My family couldn't afford to buy new clothes, so my sisters and myself were usually at the mercy of whatever bag of hand-me-downs some well intended individual would give to our family. Not only were my pants always too short, but everything was always well out of style. As an adult, it's easy to say that these are things that don't matter, but they sure do to a young girl in a small private school. But to this day, if my pants feel even a little shorter than I feel like they should be, I am incredibly uncomfortable. I remember a time when a fellow student called me "smokey" because I smelled like my parents' cigarette smoke. I had stopped doing all my homework several years ago. I wasn't in the smart crowd, the sporty crowd, the good looking crowd, or any other crowd. . Add to all this the issues at home, and I felt completely ostracized. Just to be clear, I'm not saying I was bullied, but kids were all that nice and I only heard the negative comments. I didn't even know how to respond to anything positive.

My Class Photo in 8th Grade

After 8th grade, I got a chance at a new start and began my freshman year at Lutheran High South. It was the schools very first year open and consisted of about 14 students at the time.  I was horribly nervous. The principal told my Mom that I was quiet the first day. Anyone who knows me knows that is very unlike me! It wasn't long though before I started making friends, and, even better to me, attention from the opposite sex. I loved every second of it, but the new attention from the boys made me more aware of my body.  It wasn't long before I started skipping breakfast. The weight started to come off. The next step was skipping breakfast and lunch. The pounds were melting away. I remember celebrating when I got on the scale one day. Mom cautioned me not to lose too much weight. But I was still getting male attention, got my first boyfriend, and was getting comments from people in general about how great I was looking. I remember my mom saying later that she wasn't aware that there was ever a problem. She thought I was just naturally losing weight the way teenagers do at that age. But I lost 11 more pounds after she had warned me not to get carried away.  Because I don't want others who read this that may be dealing with body image, I am not going to share how much I weighed at my smallest. I will say that it was very, very unhealthy. 

My friends started to notice my weight loss and reached out to me. A teacher commented on it as well. I took it as a sign that I was doing well. I was glad that they were noticing that I was thin. I was actually proud. I was also tired, all the time. I was completely worn out. I was not eating enough to give me the energy necessary to get through the day, let alone learn anything.  My periods were irregular. I could go 4-6 months without having one at all.

My 18th Birthday with my best friend, Kristina

I don't know what changed things. I imagine I just got really hungry and lacked the willpower to continue on that path (Thank God!). I started eating lunch again by sophomore year. I was still thin, but I had put on a few healthy pounds. 

My freshman year of college, things changed again. I had access to a prepaid, all-you-can-eat cafeteria. Having grown up in a large family of limited means, meals were not large. I went a little crazy in the cafeteria. That first semester, I also came down with a horrible case of mono, at the same times I was dealing with everything at home including the disclosure, the Halloween incident, etc. I had to much to deal with to worry about what I was eating. Or to worry about school for that matter. But we'll save the academic portion for another post. The following summer, I found out I had been selected to represent Monroe County in the Miss Michigan USA Pageant. I had never been allowed to do those things in the past, so I applied partly as an act of rebellion. I did not expect to be chosen! I made a half-hearted attempt at a diet, while holding down a summer job at Burger King. The exercise went just as well. Needless to say, I didn't win.

Studly Hubby looked great!

After I had my fill of the all-you-can-eat smorgasbord, I didn't want to eat anything the cafeteria had to offer. None of it was appealing. Of course, everyone felt that way, but it took me longer to get there. After college, I had a temp job. There were several males there that I had an innocent flirtation with. The male attention caused me to have a bit of a decreased appetite again, and I lost a few extra pounds. I was thrilled. At my next job, I worked with all women. The appetite came back, as did a few pounds. After that I worked at Curves. Working out during my shift was perfect! I was eating whatever I wanted, losing fat, and gaining muscle. After about 6 months, I was down to a smaller size than I had been in years, but it was very healthy. Once I left there, I started at Comfort Keepers. I ate out more, and stopped exercising. The muscle went away very quickly, and then the fat came back. I was fitted for a bridesmaid dress in February or March while I was still working at Curves. By the time the wedding rolled around in August, the dress didn't fit anymore. I had to use the dress of a girl that was no longer a part of the bridal party. I was horribly embarrassed and ashamed, because I knew that it was my own lack of self-control that had gotten me there. It was made worse when I saw some of the photos from the wedding. My face looked puffy and pale, and I thought I looked fat. My waist went from curving inward, to straight down on the sides.

None of this helps with vaginismus work. It's hard to feel sexy when you're worried about your stomach not being flat anymore, and your thighs being massive. I hate wearing lingerie when I'm not feeling confident.

I know, logically, that I am not very overweight. I'm not writing this because I'm fishing for compliments or anything like that. I'm writing it because I know I am not the only individual who has been sexually assualted or molested that has body image issues. It's a piece of the same puzzle.

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