Disturbing Flashback

Before you read this, I have to warn you that it contains graphic content. If you are a family member (particularly a sister), you might want to skip this one.

I just had a really rough day. Normally if I have a flashback, I can handle it. They're usually not "too bad", and are fairly vague. It's usually something that is not buried as deep as some of the other events that took place. But this morning was an exception.

I was driving to work. I was thinking of inviting a couple friends over the weekend after Thanksgiving for dinner, and making it kind of special. I thought about the size of our kitchen table, the placemats we have, the fact that they need to be ironed. Then I thought "Candles would make it feel special". My first thought was tall tapered candles in small silver candle holders. Then I remembered that we don't keep those candles in our home. My step-father used to insert them into his rectum while masturbating, and forced me to watch. The same candles my mom would place on the table for Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter. She had no idea I. then put it out of my mind, or so I thought, and tried to decide if the short, fat candles would fit and how they would look on our table.

But then I saw it in my mind's eye. I saw him kneeling in the living room, jeans and underwear pulled down, t-shirt pulled up, pushing the candle into his rectum and masturbating. I saw the look on his face of enjoyment. I felt the disgust and nausea that I felt then. He continued to tell me to watch every time I tried to look away. Then I remembered that he kept the candles in a drawer in a living room hutch, where any one in the family could access them. Then I remembered that sometimes he would use the handle of a screwdriver instead. And sometimes he would force his finger into my rectum.

I couldn't shake that feeling all day. 

That never happens to me. I'm normally able to put things aside and go about my day. But today, the monster was restless and rattling his chains, charging the locked doors. He wanted to be heard. He wanted me to know he was unhappy. And he was restless all day.

I didn't have time to sit down and have a good cry, or really allow myself to think much about it, or process it. Normally my work day ends around 2:30, but today I had an event that ran til 4p and then there was a big mandatory meeting at 6p. I thought the day would never end...

In a way, this is a good thing. I believe it puts me slightly closer to getting through the doors, or at least opening the doors. The time hasn't been right yet. I think I'm still afraid of what's on the other side. And if this is a glimpse of it, it is for good reason. But if I want to process everything. I have to face it - when the time is right. 

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